I Can’t Be the Only One Who Does This

From my all-time favorite comic couple:

Yep, this is how I tell a joke.   This is also why I don’t get asked to many parties.  Well, this and the fact that I tend to attack the buffet table like a squirrel in the fall.

I Don’t Think This is What Tchaikovsky Had in Mind

 

I could be wrong, though.

Wall O’ Text

Immajust going to leave this here, since I found it in my Inbox and don’t quite know what to make of it.

“room for rent with utilities includedight and sunny apartment for rentoversized and new family home great income pot live rent free inwood wash hts” lcd p isymphony hdtvmonitor gilbert,phoenix,http:phoenixcraigslistorgevlelehtml,, :: PM”got a tech? all boroughsand new pool tables central flaartist’s retreat dramatic penthouse in historic schoolhouse parking charlestowngreat bedroom bath gymindoor basketball court saugusfree recycling of the following pdx metro sw washgorgeous sq ft home in country club lexington nc heating cooling repair west valleyaffordable painting services low prices great service off paint all areasweekly rates from furnished studio – free utilities cable tv fairfield vacavillepool home with beds and baths fort myers beachluxury bedroom bath w fireplace north bethesda mapsublease master bedroom no deposit nw th st and th avetimber loft river north rooftop deck new kitchen stainless chicago river northft officewarehouse space concord north business park concord pleasant hill martinezft person all inclusive available now aventurahuge bedroom dog friendly community free rent north suburbs map”

I’ve studied the situation, and believe that the dichotomy represents a juxtaposition of man’s inherent value versus his inhumanity to his fellow man.

Or, someone drunk e-mailed me.

Definitely one of those.

Well We Haven’t Done This in a While

Frankly, all the autocorrects were beginning to look the same…boring.

Until this…………….

And I laughed till I cried.

Then I formed a band.

 

Doc, Doc, Wha?

The other night I went to a pre-K graduation at a church-sponsored pre-school.

 

I’m looking forward to the day when there’s a cap and gown ceremony for kids who go from bottle to sippy cup, because we just don’t praise these little germ factories enough.  But, that’s another rant for another day.

 

At the graduation, each little white gown and cap festooned 4 or 5-yr. old stands on stage, announces their name and says what they want to be when they grow up.

 

There were the usual aspirations – doctor, fireman, veterinarian, etc.

 

And the usual “cute” ones – fairy, princess, fairy princess, and pop star.

 

And then there was ‘Travis’ who told us all that when he grows up he wants to be……………………a dog.  Personally, I think Travis is brilliant…and right on.

 

Things That Make Me Giggle

Just one thing that makes me giggle uncontrollably is autocorrect.

From my local IT professional last week, I received this text on the day I was expecting him to come to the office to work on some computers.

“won’t be there today…i’m six”

To which I (logically) replied.

“okay, hope you get older soon”

 

And then, over the weekend, from baby girl I get this lovely autocorrect:

“we want the walk mount”

“*wall”

“the tv walk mount”

“UGH! *wall”

“Stupid autocorrect”

“wins everything”

“OMG”

“*everytime”

By the end of this I could not read the screen through the tears.

And, I think I peed my pants a little.

It. Was. Aardvark. Awkward. *dammit* Awesome.

It Was a Great Camping Trip, Except For the Projectile Vomiting

A conversation between me and Baby Girl (BG)

ME: So, how was your camping trip with the family?

BG: Awesome! It was SO much fun!

ME: Cool.

BG: Except for the first night, when MJ projectile vomited everything everywhere and AJ wouldn’t go to sleep and cried all night. But other than that it was great!

(MJ is 5, AJ is 1)

ME: Eww…and on a camping trip, too! So, what did you do with all the stuff she puked on?

BG: Put it in a trash bag and then in the car.

ME: Bet it smelled *great* by the time you got home.

BG: I don’t know, it went right in the trash.  Do you know how disgusting vomit smells? Yeah, try that in an enclosed space like a small tent.  I thought I was going to puke, too.

ME: What caused it?

BG: I dunno.  Coulda been the McNuggets, or maybe the s’mores.   You know how sensitive her tummy is.

ME: Yeah. So what all did you do?

BG:  There were a lot of hiking trails and we found a cave.  It was really beautiful.

ME: Did you get that baby backpack to use?

BG: No, it was like $200.  I wish we had though, because we took the jogging stroller and the trail was full of rocks so hubby had to carry the stroller most of the way and I had to carry AJ.   And she kept crying because she wanted to get down and eat the rocks, dirt, pretty much everything.

ME:  And this was the first night/day?

BG: Yep.  The second night we were FREEEEZING.  It was like 40 degrees, but I swear it felt like 4.  And AJ wouldn’t sleep, and MJ was cold and I was wearing everything I brought and I was still shivering.  So, I didn’t get any sleep.

ME: Sheesh.

BG: But, other than that it was great and on the way home MJ said it was so much fun and we should do it again.

ME: And?

BG: Well, mom, it’s been three years since the last camping trip and now I remember why.  I’m sure, once the trauma fades from memory, we’ll do it again.

ME:  Ha! Ha!

BG: Oh, and did you see the picture I posted on Facebook of the GIGANTIC tarantula in the bathroom?

ME: Uh..no…

More People Should Be Like This Guy

From the SPAM comments:

“This tidings requires knowledgeable definition and is intended for the most part fitted profit by close to health mind a look after workers and facilities/organizations providing haleness disquiet including pharmacies, hospitals, long-term heed facilities, community-based well-being regard ritual providers and pre-hospital danger services”

Frankly, I think we need more people like this on the ‘Net.   Able to provide clear, concise, and well-thought out commentary.

I, for one, feel totally enlightened.

Thank you, Mr. Spambottalksalot.

 

Practically Perfect People are Perfectly Positioned Precisely

And that title has nothing much to do with today’s post – except I’m in a “Mary Poppins” state of mind.

I got this from the latest scammer the other day:

Dear Email user,

 

We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out scheduled maintenance and upgrade of our Email service and as a result of this our Email client has been changed and your original password will reset. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

 

To maintain your Email account, you must reply to this Email immediately and enter your current Password here

(                              ) Failure to comply will lead to the

termination of your Email Account.

Warning Code: 11XXTT8765

 

@Email ACCOUNT SUPPORT TEAM”.

©Email ACCOUNT ABN 31 0822 3766 504 All Rights Reserved.

Admin Team.

 

 

 

–

This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by MailScanner, and is believed to be clean.

To which I replied:

Dear Email user,

 

We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out scheduled maintenance and upgrade of our Email service and as a result of this our Email client has been changed and your original password will reset. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

 

To maintain your Email account, you must reply to this Email immediately and enter your current Password here

(  supercalifragilisticexpiealliedociouseventhoughthesoundofitissomethingquite

atrociousifyousayitloudenoughyoullalwayssoundprecocioussupercalifragilisticexpiealliedocious ) Failure to comply will lead to the

termination of your Email Account.

Warning Code: 11XXTT8765

 

@Email ACCOUNT SUPPORT TEAM”.

©Email ACCOUNT ABN 31 0822 3766 504 All Rights Reserved.

Admin Team.

 

 

 

–

This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by MailScanner, and is believed to be clean.

And I can just see the “Admin Team” sitting behind a glowy box and meticulously typing out that ‘password’ to hack into one of my e-mail accounts.  

Yes, I can just imagine….

Yuri:  It is a long password, Comrade Vlad

Vlad: It is indeed, Yuri, there must be valuable information to be had once we attain the many accesses.

Yuri: S-U-P-E…..almost there….R-C…

*Vlad slaps his hands together as Yuri completes the entry and clicks “Login”*

Incorrect Password or User I.D.

Please be sure your caps lock is not on and try again.

Yuri: *sighs* S-U-P-E…what the hell kind of password is this anyway, Vlad?

Vlad: I do not know, Yuri, but these Americans think they are so smart and here we obtained this magnificence with a simple request! Now keep typing!

Yuri: Okay. R…C…A….

*time passes as Yuri carefully types the password again and clicks “Login”*

Incorrect Password or User I.D.

Please be sure your caps lock is not on and try again.

 Yuri: Dammit!  More vodka!

*Vlad hands Yuri the vodka bottle and soon all else is forgotten as the next round is passed and the two men trade stories of  simpler password times*

Yuri: *slurring his speech* Tomorrow, Vlad, tomorrow we try again.

Vlad: BURRRRRRRRRRRP!

And again an American has defeated an Eastern Bloc attempt to hack into her e-mail account and find out her many secrets – she needs breast/penis/lip enlargements and her mortgage interest rate is waaaaaaaaay too high.

Whew! The world is safe for democracy…for at least until the vodka wears off.

 

Just Some Random Randomness

I’ve been away from here for a few days, for the three of you who may have noticed, and being around my grandchildren has brought some unexpected and hilarious theater which I’m about to share:

Five-yr-old-grandson:  Oooh…oooh…I hurt my junk-junk! (after flopping face-first into the couch)

Me: Your ‘junk-junk’?

FYOG: (grabbing his crotch ala Michael Jackson) Yeah, mah balls! I hurt mah balls!

Me: O_o

And later….

Same FYOG:  What if the world were made of peanut butter?  (as part of a conversation with me and his big sister, the deathly-allergic-to-peanuts grandchild)

Me: Well, sissy would be screwed.

FYOG:  *giggles uncontrollably*

Me: Of course, we could put her in a big plastic bubble to protect her.

FYOG:  Then she’d be a hamster! (collapses in fits of giggles)

And then there’s the 13-mo. old who is learning to walk….

She is taking some tentative steps when she suddenly flops forward and faceplants on the only square foot of ceramic tile within 20 feet of her!

Much wailing ensued, and was assuaged with application of my frozen teddy bear ice pack for kids – which she promptly shoved into her mouth to soothe her inflamed gums from the four teeth she has coming in right now.

Conclusion?  Being a baby is painful, and flopping on the couch face first will hurt your junk-junk.