I Can’t Be the Only One Who Does This

From my all-time favorite comic couple:

Yep, this is how I tell a joke.   This is also why I don’t get asked to many parties.  Well, this and the fact that I tend to attack the buffet table like a squirrel in the fall.

I Don’t Think This is What Tchaikovsky Had in Mind

 

I could be wrong, though.

Church Wars

This is pure awesomeness.

This Happens At Least Once a Week, Probably More

My mother calls me, and this is how it goes…

MOM: Hi there, honey, just wanted to let you know I’ve changed my e-mail address and it’s   thisisthe456thchange@yeehaw.com

ME: Again?  You just changed it.

MOM: I know, but AOL was pissing me off.

ME: You had Yahoo! mail, Mom.

MOM: Then Yahoo! was pissing me off.

ME: Okay.

MOM: And I need your cell phone number again.

*she’s just called me on my cell*

ME: Wha? You called me on my cell.

MOM: Yes, but I don’t know what the number is.

ME: I…wha…um….okay. (at this point, there’s no logic I can use to make her understand “Contacts”, so I just go along with it) I’ll e-mail it to you.

MOM: And while you are at it, can you send me all the kids’ e-mails too?  I lost the list when I changed e-mails.

ME: Okay, but I also mailed you a typed copy.

MOM: Yeah, I don’t know what I did with it.

*headdesk*

ME: Okay.

I send her the information she asked for and another week goes by…….

My cell phone rings.

MOM: Hi honey, just wanted to let you know that AOL was pissing me off, so I have a new e-mail account.

ME: *blink*

MOM: …and I’m going to need your cell number, and everyone’s e-mail address again.

ME: *unscrewing the flask and taking a giant swig*  Okay, Mom (I say way too brightly)

And another week goes by, and my cell rings again.

MOM: Hi honey, Yahoo! was screwing up my e-mails so I changed accounts…..

ME: *unscrewing the lid to the convenient economy-sized bottle of Xanax* Imagine that………

Wall O’ Text

Immajust going to leave this here, since I found it in my Inbox and don’t quite know what to make of it.

“room for rent with utilities includedight and sunny apartment for rentoversized and new family home great income pot live rent free inwood wash hts” lcd p isymphony hdtvmonitor gilbert,phoenix,http:phoenixcraigslistorgevlelehtml,, :: PM”got a tech? all boroughsand new pool tables central flaartist’s retreat dramatic penthouse in historic schoolhouse parking charlestowngreat bedroom bath gymindoor basketball court saugusfree recycling of the following pdx metro sw washgorgeous sq ft home in country club lexington nc heating cooling repair west valleyaffordable painting services low prices great service off paint all areasweekly rates from furnished studio – free utilities cable tv fairfield vacavillepool home with beds and baths fort myers beachluxury bedroom bath w fireplace north bethesda mapsublease master bedroom no deposit nw th st and th avetimber loft river north rooftop deck new kitchen stainless chicago river northft officewarehouse space concord north business park concord pleasant hill martinezft person all inclusive available now aventurahuge bedroom dog friendly community free rent north suburbs map”

I’ve studied the situation, and believe that the dichotomy represents a juxtaposition of man’s inherent value versus his inhumanity to his fellow man.

Or, someone drunk e-mailed me.

Definitely one of those.

Rain plus Dirt equals Mud

The weather in Texas this spring has been….well, strange.

For instance, we’ve actually gotten a good bit of rain.  And it’s not nine-hunnert-elebenty degrees outside, yet.  That heat will come, and someone will remember to shut off the Texas rain…but I think all of Heaven is watching “Dancing With the Stars” or something, because no one has done it yet and it’s almost June.

We had most of the kids and grandkids over for a barbecue in the cloudy, gray, mid-80′s weather last Sunday.  This was after two days of showers and wind and clouds and cool (ish) temps.

The backyard is huge and full of trees and all manner of fun hiding places for little kids to play in.

My only stipulation was that shoes must be removed before coming back inside, as I knew if there was one place where it was muddy then every grandchild would be ankle-deep in it.

And I have (the hated) carpet in the living room, where my back door is located.   Not the best set-up, but I have a very small house and it doesn’t come with a mud room.   Usually, we don’t need one.   A dust room, yes.  But a mud room?  Not so much.

Anyway, all was going according to plan until two of my granddaughters – both of them 5-yr. olds – decided that they both had to pee..right NOW.

In they ran, muddy shoes and all, and left a trail from the door to the hall by the bathroom where I happened to be standing.   I looked down at the black tracks on the tan rug and said,  “Girls! You forgot to take off your shoes!”.

Both girls looked down at their feet, undoubtedly surprised to find shoes attached.

Both girls turned, in unison, and began to retrace their steps back to the door where they promptly removed their shoes.

And by “retrace” I mean run full speed and avoid the original tracks, making new ones.

I laughed till I cried after assuring them that carpet could be cleaned and everything was okay.

I didn’t laugh so much when later that night I spent nearly TWO hours cleaning up the mud from the (hated) carpet.  All the while loudly proclaiming how much easier this would have been if we’d had the flooring I wanted to put down in the first place.

The upside is I think I’ve finally convinced hubby that getting hardwood floors is something we should do sooner rather than later.  And, by “convinced” I mean he’s sick of hearing me bitch about how hard it is to keep the (hated) carpet clean with little kids around all the time, so he’s on the verge of cratering.

I think the final push will come when the next time it happens I make him clean up the mess.

 

Well We Haven’t Done This in a While

Frankly, all the autocorrects were beginning to look the same…boring.

Until this…………….

And I laughed till I cried.

Then I formed a band.

 

Doc, Doc, Wha?

The other night I went to a pre-K graduation at a church-sponsored pre-school.

 

I’m looking forward to the day when there’s a cap and gown ceremony for kids who go from bottle to sippy cup, because we just don’t praise these little germ factories enough.  But, that’s another rant for another day.

 

At the graduation, each little white gown and cap festooned 4 or 5-yr. old stands on stage, announces their name and says what they want to be when they grow up.

 

There were the usual aspirations – doctor, fireman, veterinarian, etc.

 

And the usual “cute” ones – fairy, princess, fairy princess, and pop star.

 

And then there was ‘Travis’ who told us all that when he grows up he wants to be……………………a dog.  Personally, I think Travis is brilliant…and right on.

 

Things That Make Me Giggle

Just one thing that makes me giggle uncontrollably is autocorrect.

From my local IT professional last week, I received this text on the day I was expecting him to come to the office to work on some computers.

“won’t be there today…i’m six”

To which I (logically) replied.

“okay, hope you get older soon”

 

And then, over the weekend, from baby girl I get this lovely autocorrect:

“we want the walk mount”

“*wall”

“the tv walk mount”

“UGH! *wall”

“Stupid autocorrect”

“wins everything”

“OMG”

“*everytime”

By the end of this I could not read the screen through the tears.

And, I think I peed my pants a little.

It. Was. Aardvark. Awkward. *dammit* Awesome.

It Was a Great Camping Trip, Except For the Projectile Vomiting

A conversation between me and Baby Girl (BG)

ME: So, how was your camping trip with the family?

BG: Awesome! It was SO much fun!

ME: Cool.

BG: Except for the first night, when MJ projectile vomited everything everywhere and AJ wouldn’t go to sleep and cried all night. But other than that it was great!

(MJ is 5, AJ is 1)

ME: Eww…and on a camping trip, too! So, what did you do with all the stuff she puked on?

BG: Put it in a trash bag and then in the car.

ME: Bet it smelled *great* by the time you got home.

BG: I don’t know, it went right in the trash.  Do you know how disgusting vomit smells? Yeah, try that in an enclosed space like a small tent.  I thought I was going to puke, too.

ME: What caused it?

BG: I dunno.  Coulda been the McNuggets, or maybe the s’mores.   You know how sensitive her tummy is.

ME: Yeah. So what all did you do?

BG:  There were a lot of hiking trails and we found a cave.  It was really beautiful.

ME: Did you get that baby backpack to use?

BG: No, it was like $200.  I wish we had though, because we took the jogging stroller and the trail was full of rocks so hubby had to carry the stroller most of the way and I had to carry AJ.   And she kept crying because she wanted to get down and eat the rocks, dirt, pretty much everything.

ME:  And this was the first night/day?

BG: Yep.  The second night we were FREEEEZING.  It was like 40 degrees, but I swear it felt like 4.  And AJ wouldn’t sleep, and MJ was cold and I was wearing everything I brought and I was still shivering.  So, I didn’t get any sleep.

ME: Sheesh.

BG: But, other than that it was great and on the way home MJ said it was so much fun and we should do it again.

ME: And?

BG: Well, mom, it’s been three years since the last camping trip and now I remember why.  I’m sure, once the trauma fades from memory, we’ll do it again.

ME:  Ha! Ha!

BG: Oh, and did you see the picture I posted on Facebook of the GIGANTIC tarantula in the bathroom?

ME: Uh..no…