Blog Archives
Screw You Then, Wal-Mart!
All I did was click on the link telling me my lovely seat cushions I ordered were ready for pick up, and I see this on the page:
Wal-Mart’s a jackass.
Wall O’ Text
Immajust going to leave this here, since I found it in my Inbox and don’t quite know what to make of it.
“room for rent with utilities includedight and sunny apartment for rentoversized and new family home great income pot live rent free inwood wash hts” lcd p isymphony hdtvmonitor gilbert,phoenix,http:phoenixcraigslistorgevlelehtml,, :: PM”got a tech? all boroughsand new pool tables central flaartist’s retreat dramatic penthouse in historic schoolhouse parking charlestowngreat bedroom bath gymindoor basketball court saugusfree recycling of the following pdx metro sw washgorgeous sq ft home in country club lexington nc heating cooling repair west valleyaffordable painting services low prices great service off paint all areasweekly rates from furnished studio – free utilities cable tv fairfield vacavillepool home with beds and baths fort myers beachluxury bedroom bath w fireplace north bethesda mapsublease master bedroom no deposit nw th st and th avetimber loft river north rooftop deck new kitchen stainless chicago river northft officewarehouse space concord north business park concord pleasant hill martinezft person all inclusive available now aventurahuge bedroom dog friendly community free rent north suburbs map”
I’ve studied the situation, and believe that the dichotomy represents a juxtaposition of man’s inherent value versus his inhumanity to his fellow man.
Or, someone drunk e-mailed me.
Definitely one of those.
Great Gobs of What the Hell is This?
People – just in case you didn’t believe the stories we all heard, and the movie that was made about, the BLOB.
It’s Gettin’ Real…
….weird…
I am convinced my house is haunted.
The latest evidence is presented here for your entertainment:
We have cable television. We have a remote controller for the cable television. We use the remote to scroll through upcoming shows, and set reminders for the ones we want to watch.
Anyone who has cable/satellite you can skip this part because you obviously know what I’m talking about. Y’all go have some cookies – they’re warm, right out of the oven – while I explain this to everyone else.
Everyone else – with me so far?
Okay, we set a reminder the other day so that when “Ironman” came on, a small pop-up comes up on the television screen to let us know it’s on. If you mash the “OK” button on the remote, the television will magically switch the channel to the reminder channel and voila! you are watching “Ironman” (or whatever you set a reminder for).
Okay, those of you who went out for cookies come back in here and leave some for the rest of us!
Now, here’s where things get weird.
The reminder for “Ironman” came up as I was in the kitchen and hubby was in the office. Neither of us was within 10 feet of the remote when the channel suddenly changed on its own, and “Ironman” began to play.
We spent the next ten minutes alternately blaming each other for changing the channel and refusing to admit it, and staring at each other wide-eyed while remarking how very weird that was.
I finally gave up and said, “Very funny, Ralph (the name I chose to give our poltergeist), but don’t do it again.”
My house is haunted, y’all.
There Are Forces At Work Here, I’m Convinced of It
Not only am I now awaiting my THIRD “Supernatural: Third Season, Disc 2″ to arrive from Blockbuster – the first two having been broken in half when I got them, and now I’m wondering what supernatural forces are working to keep me from seeing this particular batch of episodes.
BUT…
I also got this cryptic message from my e-mail Nazis at work.
[SUSPICIOUS MESSAGE] Pocket Devotions, day 478: A Hero’s Life
See the day? This is the 478th day I’ve received a Biblical message in my Inbox and today, of all days, it’s deemed ‘suspicious’.
There are forces at work here, I’m tellin’ ya.
The cosmos is fecking with my mind.
I Really Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Go Places Alone
I’m kinda/sorta/maybe in the market to replace the 8-yr. old 165K miles-on-it car that I really do like. It’s just starting to have ‘issues’, and much as I hate break-ups I hate breakdowns even more.
Besides, at my age, my ass/back needs something comfy to sit in when I drive. And with the elebenty-hunnert grandchildren around these days we need something larger.
After much looking around the ‘Net I decided I want a Chevy Traverse. Hubby is underwhelmed at the idea of getting into payments again, so he has thus far refrained from shopping or test-driving.
I blame him for what happened Tuesday.
I found a very nice-looking Traverse with low mileage and a great price at a dealership near my house, so I decided to go by there and test drive it on my way home.
I’ve always been one to engage in the idle chatter that a used-car salesman will instigate the minute you get inside the vehicle for the test. This time I was tired, and I was trying to get a feel/listen to the Traverse, so I was silent.
ChattyBoy was not…so, he only has himself to blame for this:
ChattyBoy (CB): This is a nice vehicle, isn’t it? And you just never, ever find one for under $20K anywhere. Not ever.
ME: *silent as I’m navigating the turns out of the parking lot onto the street, but I notice there’s something ‘off’ about this vehicle*
CB: Nosiree, never one this low-priced. And…umm…it’s really nice, not scratches, no dings…..
ME: *except the scratched-to-hell inside of the back hatch door, and the chunk missing from one of the third-row seat backs and there’s something wrong with the way this thing handles*
CB: …and an exceptionally nice ride, for what’s basically a large SUV…handles pretty well, doesn’t it? And, the price! Can you believe it? Did I mention it’s also a ‘Certified’ vehicle? Yep, it goes through a 177 point inspection. All that for a remarkable price. So, what’s your budget?
ME: *finally speaking* I don’t have a set budget, it depends on the vehicle and there’s something really wrong with the suspension or else one of the right-side tires is in the shape of a football.
CB: *after a few seconds* You may be right.
ME: 177 point inspection? Really?
CB: *beaming*Yep, it’s got an extended warranty and it’s Certified.
ME: 177 points, and yet the mechanics missed the fact that one of tires may be in the shape of a football…or, there’s something much larger going on and that’s a big problem.
CB: *nervous laughter* Yeah, sometimes I wonder where the mechanic’s heads are at.
ME: So, if they missed this big a problem, what kind of confidence can I have that any of the other 177 points were addressed?
CB: *silence*
ME *on a roll now* And while we are at it, I’ve seen plenty of vehicles at or below this one’s price.
CB: Really? Where?
ME: At other-much-larger-dealership nearby.
CB: *sulking* Well, yeah..but they do a huge volume…
ME: Look, bud, you’re the one going on and on about pricing…and you know what? I wouldn’t pay that for this vehicle. It’s beat to hell, drives like it’s run the Baja, and is the most vanilla version of a Traverse.
By this time we were back at the dealership and he almost waited for the car to stop completely before getting out.
I walked into the showroom with him as he kept apologizing for the lousy condition of the car and promising it would get fixed.
CB: So, if we fix the problems, how much would you be willing to pay?
ME: No more than $13K (the sticker was $16.5K)…and I mean not a penny more.
CB: *looking crestfallen* I’ll call you.
ME: Yeah, you do that.
As I left I realized I’d just come across as the biggest bitch on the planet, and I also realized I don’t give a shit. I’m there to spend money, my money, and it’s going to be on my terms.
But, I have to admit I’d of been a lot less bitchy if hubby had gone with. He’s the voice-of-reason, and my warrior and protector. ChattyBoy wouldn’t have tried so hard after Hubby gave him that sideways glance the first time the car wonky-wooed to the right.
I told hubby about my adventure when I got home and his only response was, “You really shouldn’t be allowed to go places alone.”
Can’t argue with that logic.
More People Should Be Like This Guy
From the SPAM comments:
“This tidings requires knowledgeable definition and is intended for the most part fitted profit by close to health mind a look after workers and facilities/organizations providing haleness disquiet including pharmacies, hospitals, long-term heed facilities, community-based well-being regard ritual providers and pre-hospital danger services”
Frankly, I think we need more people like this on the ‘Net. Able to provide clear, concise, and well-thought out commentary.
I, for one, feel totally enlightened.
Thank you, Mr. Spambottalksalot.
**UPDATED (Before You See It!)**With Sincerest Apologies to Mr. Pratchett
But, I really couldn’t resist…..
From our English-challenged friend, Mr. Wayne:
From: Mr Hilary Wayne [mailto:foffice506@yahoo.cn]
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 7:10 PM
Subject: I AM ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS WHERE ARE YOU? URGENT
And, my reply……….. Dear Sir/Madam/Aircraft: Being a native of Ankh-Morpork I am unfamiliar with the ‘DORLLAR’ of whence you speak. Is it, perhaps, in any way related to our very own knocker? Because I have two of those, and while they are not large they are, shall we say, respectable. Please advise if a pair of knockers would suffice for payment. Sincerely, A’Tuin |
It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, I tell ya….
And later that same day, Hilarywayneclintondhlbenin responded…….
Dear mr {redacted}
i receive your email and i want to let you know that is the only thing that delaying is sum of $105 and you have to go ahead and send it right now for air way bill paper i promise you. that is the noly fees you are going to send.
HERE IS THE INFORMATION TO SEND IT.
RECEIVERS NAME …….. NGENE FRANCIS.
COUNTRY …….BENIN REPUBLIC .
CITY COTONOU .
AMOUNT ……..$105.
QUESTION…… HOW LONG.
ANSWER ……5HRS DELIVERY.
SENDERS NAME…….
MTCN……..
To which I responded:
Do people really fall for this? That makes me sad for the human race.
Oh, and the Secret Service loves it when I string you idiots along. I expect they’ll be in touch with you…very soon.
Hugs,
A’Tuin
I think I may have ended my fun with Mr. Hillarybeninwaynemacaroniandcheese, though. I’d love to keep playhing, but I just don’t have the time. I have to go watch paint dry…or something.
What the…? Oh Wait, Come Back Here!
You know how you can be driving along and all of a sudden the car in the lane next to you decides that right where you are is right where it needs to be right now?
Twice?
And, you hit the brakes, utter some expletives about the level of intelligence of the driver of said car and honk.
Twice.
And then, the car that almost caused a nasty wreck with lots of damage and plenty of pain for you pulls ahead enough for you to see the logo on the back of the car, and it says “Maserati”.
And you yell, “Come back, I didn’t mean it! Hit me, PLEASE!!!”
Just me, then? Okay.
Apparently, I’m In the Process of Buying a New House
Well, at least the person who answered the phone at Major Plumbing Company thinks so.
For the record, I’m not.
Also for the record, I need a plumber.
And that’s why I called Major Plumbing Company in the first place. The conversation went like this:
Major Plumbing Company Receptionist/Scheduler: Hello, this is MPC, how may I help you?
Me: Yes, I need to get someone to come out and look at a valve in my tub. I can’t turn the water on.
MPCR/S: Address?
Me: 123 Everywhere, Anytown, TX
MPCR/S: *silence*
This went on for a few seconds, so I looked at my phone to see if it had dropped the call. It hadn’t.
Me: Hello? Hellooooooo?
A few seconds later….
MPCR/S: And when do you close?
Me: What? This isn’t a new house or a sale.
MPCR/S: Can you verify your address again, because I’m not finding it.
Me: 123 Everywhere Court – or it could be Drive, depends on which map you are looking at, Anytown, TX
MPCR/S: *silence*
By now, I figured out the silence was actually my being put on hold. I waited just a few seconds and she was back.
MPCR/S: What is your closing date?
Me: (what the hell, let’s have some fun) November 30th, 1997
MPCR/S: Uhhh….
Me: This is not for an inspection. This is not a new house, this is not a sale. I need a repair to the valve in my bathtub.
MPCR/S: And who is your builder?
Me: Jack. Mine is the house that Jack built.
MPCR/S: Is it still under warranty?
Me: I wish…but, no.
MPCR/S: And when is your closing date?
Me: January 4th, 2027
MPCR/S: *silence*
I hung up, thoroughly amused and pissed at the same time. Major Company lost out when I called Much Smaller and Local Company and scheduled an appointment in less than one minute.
Seriously, though, how stupid can a person be and still be employed. Because, if that woman is the ‘bar’, then it’s scraping the ground right now.
