I have a cure, so put down the bottle and just breathe.
So, if you haven’t laughed so hard you peed your pants yet this week…..
But first, be sure to have an extra pair of underwear on hand..or Depends…whatever floats your boat.
Well, at least the person who answered the phone at Major Plumbing Company thinks so.
For the record, I’m not.
Also for the record, I need a plumber.
And that’s why I called Major Plumbing Company in the first place. The conversation went like this:
Major Plumbing Company Receptionist/Scheduler: Hello, this is MPC, how may I help you?
Me: Yes, I need to get someone to come out and look at a valve in my tub. I can’t turn the water on.
Me: 123 Everywhere, Anytown, TX
This went on for a few seconds, so I looked at my phone to see if it had dropped the call. It hadn’t.
Me: Hello? Hellooooooo?
A few seconds later….
MPCR/S: And when do you close?
Me: What? This isn’t a new house or a sale.
MPCR/S: Can you verify your address again, because I’m not finding it.
Me: 123 Everywhere Court – or it could be Drive, depends on which map you are looking at, Anytown, TX
By now, I figured out the silence was actually my being put on hold. I waited just a few seconds and she was back.
MPCR/S: What is your closing date?
Me: (what the hell, let’s have some fun) November 30th, 1997
Me: This is not for an inspection. This is not a new house, this is not a sale. I need a repair to the valve in my bathtub.
MPCR/S: And who is your builder?
Me: Jack. Mine is the house that Jack built.
MPCR/S: Is it still under warranty?
Me: I wish…but, no.
MPCR/S: And when is your closing date?
Me: January 4th, 2027
I hung up, thoroughly amused and pissed at the same time. Major Company lost out when I called Much Smaller and Local Company and scheduled an appointment in less than one minute.
Seriously, though, how stupid can a person be and still be employed. Because, if that woman is the ‘bar’, then it’s scraping the ground right now.
This is just awesomesauce, every way you pour it kids.
Here, have a tissue and watch….the awesome power of trust and a shared curiousity.
Apparently, this award comes from other bloggers…and that is awesomesauce. I mean, to have a peer commend you…wow, truly I am honored.
Here are the rules, for getting this award, and pay attention because I may just have named your blog as a winner in this post so there will be a test…later.
A) Show the award on your (my) blog <<<<that’s the picture above.
B) Compose a short dedication to the person who awarded them the award
C) Write a list of five things for their readers that detail things about themselves their readers don’t know, and then;
D) Pay the love forward to five bloggers that they feel deserve to receive the Versatile Blogger Award too.
Truth be known, it was the picture of Bitsy in a purple (squee!) cast and flipping the bird, next to her Cymbalta post that won my heart, but it was Mark’s Cover Letter post that damn-near made me pee myself, that is winning my cyberfriends.
So, for all the laughs, the irreverence, and the award – Mark and Bitsy I heart you and intend to stalk you relentlessly for time and all eternity. What? Too much? Tough…you created this monster, now deal.
List of Five
- I hate lists.
- I like pie, especially apple pie. With ice cream on the side. And warm – the pie, not the ice cream. But if you don’t have ice cream then don’t bother warming the pie. And if you have neither I’ll take a Twinkie. And if you don’t have a Twinkie then never mind, just bring me the check.
- I’ve no clue how to execute a “pingback” or “backtrack”. I have a feeling I’m going to find out though, as I think I have to do that to make the chosen five see this post. I think. I don’t know. *help*
- I’m much older than I blog, but much younger than George Burns would be if he were still alive. I’m pretty sure I’m younger than Bob Hope would be if he were alive, too.
- I was raised by chimpanzees in Africa. Until I was in my mid-20s I didn’t even know clothing existed. Then a group of hunters on safari found me and decided to make a buck or two, so they trapped me and took me back to New York. They dressed me in fine clothes and showed me off to all their friends. I fooled them, though, and escaped. As I was climbing the Empire State Building it occurred to me that there had to be a better way to make a buck. I haven’t found that way yet, but in my old age I’ve given up climbing buildings and consider it a major victory if I can climb out of bed in the morning.
TacoMagic’s Random Insanity – geez, next to “versatile” in the dictionary is this guy’s picture. He’s a gamer, crafter, blogger and I hear he’s a pretty good daddy, too. Seriously, I think given a box of toothpicks and some gum he could make you a dining room set or the Ark. And, he’d include detailed drawings and progress pictures. Taco, you are versatile. Please accept this .png.
Ghostcat Chronicles – Ghostie – as she is affectionately called – is one of the most hilarious people I’ve ever meet in the cyberworld. She’s also one of the most talented artists I’ve ever seen, and she works in paint, pencil, fabric and all manner of medium. She’s also twisted, as evidenced by her My Little Pony reinventions. For this and so much more, Ghostie, you are versatile. Please accept this .png.
Library of the Damned – if you’ve ever read any fanfic, then you know the people who write it are….umm…dedicated. Take that dedication, add the Snark Crew on Library of the Damned and you have the absolute funniest riffing on everything from Pirates of the Caribbean to Harry Potter fan fiction. Snark Crew, you are so very versatile. Please accept this .png.
The Bloggess – I don’t know Jen Lawson, here or on the other side, but I can tell you she strikes every branch on the funny tree while still managing to be warm, kind and engaging. Not only that, but she makes a mean…no, I really mean a “mean” doll house. And, don’t piss her off or there just might be a giant chicken in your future. For making me laugh, cry and ponder, Bloggess you are versatile. Please accept this .png
The Problem With Young People Today Is – a hilarious view of the world from a fellow seasoned citizen, Don Mills. Don mixes humor with real warmth as he dispenses practical advice and semi-serious admonishments to all the damned young people who seem to live just to piss him off. Go and read his damned blog, just keep the damned cussing to a damned minimum, dammit. Because you speak for so many of us, Don, you are a versatile blogger. Please accept this .png.
And, yes I copied and pasted the “Please accept this .png” thing from Mark and Bitsy’s site – so when you click on it you go back to their page. You know why? I don’t have an effin clue how to put it on my site, except as a picture. And, yes I spent a good amount of time trying to figure it out and now I’m just pissed so don’t anyone come on here and tell me how easy it is. If you know, by all means tell me, but don’t make it look easy or I just might send Beyonce over to your house.
And, Mark and Bitsy – you’re welcome for the additional page views….all three of them, since I don’t think all five bloggers I named will actually read this.
Sorry, but I’m that unknown.