Daily Archives: July 22, 2011

I Am A Dangerous Woman

….or “How I Almost Shot My Cat”

Back in the early ’90s we lived in a rental house that was on a very popular route for kids skipping going to school.

As a result, there had been a recent break-in at my house. 

My neighbor scared the kid off, or else he just felt so sorry for us he decided not to mess with anything.

Who knows?

Anyway, it left the family a bit twitchy.

And, we are Texans.

Armed Texans.

Twitchy, armed Texans.

A few days after the break-in I was home alone  when I heard a commotion coming from the garage.

With the recent crime still fresh in my memory I stealthily snuck past the garage door and into my bedroom where I knew the firearms were kept.

I heard the noises, again, as I looked around the room.  I was sure the burglar was now a whole gang of burglars and not only were they not concerned with being quiet, they were boldly marching towards the door that led to the house and I was moments away from confronting a gang of noisy, clumsy burglars.

It’s funny how the mind will go completely blank when gripped with rising fear.

I couldn’t remember where the guns were.

Then, I heard a loud THUMP! on the door that led to the garage.

That did it, my fear was pushed aside and I found the gun.

I grabbed it, released the safety and quietly tiptoed back to the garage door. 

The noisy burglars were now playing hockey in the garage.

With a bag of rocks, or so it sounded to me.

Grasping the doorknob I flung the door open and yelled, “FREEZE!!!”, as I pointed the gun at…..my cat.

Our big Siamese, Smokey, had been playing with some paper he found in the garage.

Smokey stared at me, and I swear I heard him sigh….stoopid hoomin.

Amazing how much a twenty-five pound cat, playing  with paper in an empty garage, can sound like a gang of brazen, clumsy burglars isn’t it?

Not.A….Whatever

I went to the grocery store. 

Sounds boring, right?

Well, you aren’t me.

I stopped, first, in the produce section.  As I was looking over the variety of fruits and vegetables a big sign caught my eye.

“Bags of Peaches, $1.99”

The sign was affixed to a bin that held bags of….nectarines.

Not.A.Peach.

Continuing on, I see another sign.

“Mangoes, $.99 each”

It’s affixed to a box.  In the box?  Red onions.

Not.A.Mango.

Sigh…..I fear for the produce sections of the world.