Monthly Archives: October 2011

My Secret Affliction

Until I met my then future son-in-law, I didn’t have a name for my *unique* condition.

Okay, so it’s not that unique and frankly a lot of people probably have the same problem.

It’s just that no one really discusses it in public and there’s certainly no “club” devoted to it.

There’s no intervention, there’s no pill, no exercise…sigh…no telethon and no cure.

What am I talking about?

Well, it’s a little known affliction called “T-Rex Arms”.

This is why I failed that President’s Fitness Challenge in grade school. Every.single.time

I have short arms.

There, I said it.

I have short arms. 

Not freakishly short, mind you, but annoyingly short.  Like a t-rex, which is the nickname my future son-in-law gave me soon after we met.

He is allowed as he is a member of the same club.

It’s tough being a t-rex armed person.  For one thing, we can’t do push-ups.  We also can’t reach…well, pretty much anything over our heads or more than about a foot and a half in front of us.

I’d totally suck as a boxer.

“What’s her reach there, Howard?”

“It’s 13 and a half inches, Bill. Frankly, I don’t think she’ll last into the sec-“

*KAPOW*

*thud*

*ding*

“I see what you mean, Howard.”

It’d be cool, being a t-rex, if I had some of the dino’s legendary other weapons…like those massive teeth and that wicked tail.

 

See, if I looked like this no one would say anything about my short arms. Because, if they did I’d simply bite their head off – literally.

 

As it stands, I’m neither legendary nor fearsome….but don’t tell the real T-Rex, okay?  Just keep it between us friends…

 

Go ahead and laugh at my short arms, Rexy. I see a meteor in your future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post Toasted

Between aging parents and sparring siblings <<< hey, cool name for a band right?….

Mah buckit is empty.

When that happens I reach in the grab bag to dig out a post of a different sort, and hope for brighter days and fuller buckits……

Let’s just hope this sign is right.  I’d hate to miss my exit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Is An Awesome, Awesome Day

I’m very happy because my granddaughter’s eye surgery, scheduled for today, has been postponed indefinitely!  Yay!! It seems her condition is improving on its own.

In honor of my giddiness, I bring you something I read last week on a local site that made me laugh till I nearly peed myself….

I am offering to do house cleaning, either one time deep clean or on a continuous basis.  Deep clean would include windows, single story.  I am looking to maybe start a business with cleaning, organizing and if you are moving and need a packer, I am willing to do this also.  I had a heart attach earlier this summer and need to make ends meet. 

I’ll let you read it a couple of times to let it sink in.

After I figured out that “attach” meant attack I started giggling.

Probably inappropriately, but that’s me.

He/she just had a heart attack and is now offering to do manual labor.

I just cannot imagine any scenario where I’d be okay with hiring this person.

Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot

Mom 911!!!!!!

That was the text message that I got last week from my oldest daughter.  My first thought was…

Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot

I began to dial her number when I got the second text…

“I’m at daughter’s school and we are on lockdown. I’m terrified, what do I do?”

Holy shit.

This is not what you think you’ll hear when all your daughter was doing was having a simple little teacher conference regarding your six year old granddaughter.

It’s just not.

I begin checking every radio station, every local news website and finding…

Nothing.

Maybe the authorities were keeping it hush-hush. 

Maybe there’s someone in the school, armed and dangerous.

Maybe some disgruntled ex-employee/spouse/significant other is loose in the school, ready to exact revenge by killing a bunch of kids and teachers (and random parents just there for a simple conference).

And, the thoughts went downhill from there.

I picture this guy, going room to room looking for random victims

I send her texts…

“Can’t find anything on the news.”  “What’s happening?” “Are you okay?”

I get no responses…the mind reels.

My other daughter (Baby Girl) calls, she’s frantic as her sister has also texted her and is trying to get a message to her husband.  My baby girl is near tears.  Her big sister is in danger and there’s nothing she can do.  “Mom, I’ll get a hold of her husband.  It’ll give me something to do.”

Baby Girl is pregnant and already emotional enough.  Now, she’s near panic.

“Okay, honey…I’ll see if I can find out anything.”

I send my hubby a text and tell him what’s going on.

No sooner do I send it than my oldest daughter texts me again.

“OMG! It was a DRILL!!!!!!!!!!”

I laugh, nervously and my phone rings.  It’s hubby and he’s alarmed. I quickly explain it was a drill.  He’s confused and so am I. 

Didn’t anyone get the memo there’d be a drill?

Apparently not, which is what I found out later that day when oldest daughter called me.

Daughter:  Oh my God, Mom! It was so scary! The principal comes on the intercom and says the school is on lockdown.  I was in the classroom with daughter’s class and her teacher turned off the light and locked the door and then we were all supposed to be very quiet.  Mom, these kids are 6 years old! Do you know how hard it is for them to be quiet? 

Me: (chuckling nervously, I’m still rattled) Uh..yeah.   I heard you were trying to get ahold of your younger brother during all this.  Why? You do know that if there is a real lockdown no one can get near the school, right?

Daughter: Yeah, but he has GUNS Mom!

Me: (this time I laugh out loud at my bleeding heart liberal daughter – politically we are polar opposites) Oh…so NOW you want guns, do you?

Daughter: Hell yes! And, it gets worse, Mom.  I was remarkably calm the whole time, which for me is a minor miracle you know, and all I could think of was how I needed a knife or something.

Me: For protection, it’s only natural.  I’m guessing that since no one was notified of this “drill” that the object was to find out how the staff and students would react in a perceived real emergency.

Daughter: I guess so, but Mom there were fully half the teachers and students in complete meltdown afterwards.  I was a little shell-shocked but really I’m fine.  And surprised.  I didn’t know I’d react so calmly, especially since I freak out at the littlest things.

Me: Well, maybe it’s the big things you are prepared for because your children are depending on you.

Daughter: Yeah, I just kept thinking about them.  I had younger son with me, too, and I kept asking teacher if she had a knife or something.  Apparently, dangerous situations make me all stabbity.

Me: (laughing really hard now) My new motto – “Warning: Danger makes me stabbity and I decide what’s dangerous”

Oooh…I am totally getting her this t-shirt for Christmas.  Totally.

Big Feet

I have found the elusive sassquiditch  sawskwatch  sis-boom-bahtch  umm…Bigfoot.

No, really I have.

He’s in Texas and because it’s like elebenty-hunnert degrees here all summer, he’s shaved his hair off…except for on his head. 

And, he wears glasses and get this he works for an insurance company.

He walked by my office, just like in this photo…

He looked just like this, stance and all, except less hairy and more inside a building-ish.

There I was, sitting at my desk, collating or maybe I was surfing…no, definitely collating as I am a very productive worker bee.

At first I only caught a glimpse of an arm as it entered the left side of my doorway, and then Bigfoot walked right in front of me!  Of course the top of his head was kinda out of my sight as it extended above the door frame.  They do not call him “Bigfoot” for nothin’.

Where’s a camera when you need one?

I’m thinking of calling one of those Discovery Channel shows that spends hours upon hours in the dark, always in the cold and always at night chasing shadows and sounds that turn out to be coyotes or dogs or something…once I think it was an elk.

I need to tell them they are wasting their time.  Bigfoot works for an insurance company in Texas, and he left me his business card.

Well, of course it doesn’t say “Bigfoot” on it.  He’s incognito people.

Geez.

Weekend Funnies

Well, I’m off to spend the day with the kids and grandkids at the gigantic amusement park near my home.

Here’s a laugh, or if you’re like me, here’s a laugh-till-you-cry from an e-mail I got:

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.  It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.   

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Americans.

  4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Americans… 

  5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

  CONCLUSION:   EAT AND  DRINK WHAT YOU LIKE.   SPEAKING ENGLISH IS APPARENTLY WHAT KILLS YOU.