Daily Archives: November 8, 2011

Paging Dr. Goofy, Dr. Goofy Please

I have never met a dentist who wasn’t a little bit off.

Some are a lot bit off, not just a little.

And some are batshit crazy.

I blame it on the nitrous hits they get whenever administering to the patients.  It’s a proximity high that over time just creates a permanent crazy spot on their brains and it affects some more than others.

Or, they’re just crazy.

One of those.

My loyalty to a dentist only extends as far as my insurance coverage.  If he/she doesn’t accept my insurance then I’m forced to break up with him/her.   I’ve yet to have one call me crying at one in the morning begging me to come back, but since these are dentists we’re talking about I wouldn’t be surprised.

My current dentist is a little younger than me and he’s one of the nuttier ones I’ve encountered.

But, in a good way.

Last week I went in for a routine cleaning and Dr. Goofy was dancing across the hall when I got there.  He was also dressed in an extremely loud Hawaiian print shirt and was singing some song I didn’t recognize right away.

In other words, a normal day in his office.

The hygienist was new, to me, but she was very normal and very nice.  Apparently, you don’t get the nitrous when you get your teeth cleaned…unless you ask and it didn’t occur to me…so that may explain her normalness.

When I was finishing up a young girl – maybe 17 years old – was sitting in the chair across from me.  Her mother was there and the girl kept going on and on about how scared she was.

“Will it hurt?” she asked.

“Well, maybe a little at first”, her mom replied.

The dentist’s assistant came over and the girl asked the same question of her.  She got the same answer.

Then, Dr. Goofy showed up.

“Will it hurt?”

“Oh, yes…it will hurt…a lot!” he said, grinning evilly.

The girl started to get up; panicked by Dr. Goofy’s response, but her mother and the assistant assured her he was just kidding.

I stifled a giggle myself, and then I saw “it”.

If you’ve ever had Novocain or epinephrine to numb your mouth you know what “it” is.

It looks like a medieval torture device, but is in fact a simple syringe used to administer the numbing meds.

He came up over her head with it and into her field of vision.

She screamed.

“Out in the West Texas town of El Paso…” Dr. Goofy began to croon…”I fell in love with a Mexican girl.”

The girl sat back in the chair, with the *help* of her mom and the assistant.  She stared at Dr. Goofy.

“Nighttime would find me in Rosa’s cantina”

“Music would play and Feleena would whirl” The girl’s mother and the assistant now joined in and sang more of the song,  and by the time they finished the first chorus the girl had gotten three shots and hadn’t flinched a bit.

Like I said, most dentists are crazy, but this one is definitely crazy in a good way.

Next time I have to get those shots I’m going to insist he sing “El Paso” to me, too.

Hello, I’m Dr. Goofy.  First, I shall stab you with this loooooooooong needle, many times.  Later, I will use this drill to create large holes in your teeth and fill them with possibly-toxic chemicals.  Afterwards, you shall pay me for all of this. MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!