10 Reasons I Detest Valentine’s Day
10. Candy – it’s cruel, evil and sticks to more than just my ribs. (Hey, someone left their saddlebags attached to my ass! Again.)
9. Flowers – right, like I want to get a beautiful bouquet of overpriced flowers only to have them die and the water start smelling like the neighbors’ septic system is backed up inside the house after a week. Yes, nothing says love like the smell of rotting vegetation.
8. Cards – two skunks, their tails intertwined or two hands touching across the table…words that either make no sense or make fun of romance, yes Hallmark you have ruined what could have been a beautiful holiday.
7. Desperation – you can smell it in every checkout line at the store on February 14th. There’s the fidgety man, flowers and chocolates in one hand and a skunk-festooned card in the other. Beads of sweat on his brow as his eyes dart to and fro. The inner conflict is palpable – Did I get the right thing? Will she be happy/pleased/less homicidal? Oh gawd..I knew I should have gotten those diamond earrings she wanted! I’m going to die tonight.
6. Kay Jewelers – yes, every kiss does begin with “k”, not “Kay”. Back off.
5. Quinn, Medicine Woman – or whomever that chick is that played her. Now, she’s hawking her “Open Heart” collection of jewelry. It’s just…no…stop it.
4. Puppies/Kittens – oh hell no. Do you honestly think a poop factory that also sheds enough hair to knit a good-sized blanket out of on a weekly basis, and chews everything in sight or climbs every available piece of cloth to reach the highest point in the room and leaves behind a mess only Edward Scissorhands could rival is my idea of fun? Right, buddy. Come over here and let me kick you in the jewelry box and we’ll compare notes on “fun”.
3. Dinner – it’s crowded, it’s loud and I can’t hear myself talk much less you, the food is either lousy, overpriced or both. Oh, and the wait…even with reservations it’s so long I’ve decided to order breakfast by the time we get seated. Buy me a pizza and let me eat on the couch – that’s heaven.
2. Sex – really? I mean if it’s not great already, why does anyone think that it will magically transform into something rivaling the best porn film on this one day? You are setting yourself up for bitter disappointment.
1. Contrariness – this is my personal thing, but if you tell me I must celebrate my “love” on February 14th every year, I’m telling you no..and spitting in your eye. Now, February 15th..that’s another story.
Hey Cupid! Bite me!