10 Reasons I Detest Valentine’s Day

10.  Candy – it’s cruel, evil and sticks to more than just my ribs.   (Hey, someone left their saddlebags attached to my ass!  Again.)

9.   Flowers – right, like I want to get a beautiful bouquet of overpriced flowers only to have them die and the water start smelling like the neighbors’ septic system is backed up inside the house after a week.  Yes, nothing says love like the smell of rotting vegetation.

8.  Cards – two skunks, their tails intertwined or two hands touching across the table…words that either make no sense or make fun of romance, yes Hallmark you have ruined what could have been a beautiful holiday.

7.  Desperation – you can smell it in every checkout line at the store on February 14th.  There’s the fidgety man, flowers and chocolates in one hand and a skunk-festooned card in the other.  Beads of sweat on his brow as his eyes dart to and fro.  The inner conflict is palpable – Did I get the right thing? Will she be happy/pleased/less homicidal? Oh gawd..I knew I should have gotten those diamond earrings she wanted! I’m going to die tonight.

6.  Kay Jewelers – yes, every kiss does begin with “k”, not “Kay”.  Back off.

5.  Quinn, Medicine Woman – or whomever that chick is that played her.  Now, she’s hawking her “Open Heart” collection of jewelry.   It’s just…no…stop it.

4.  Puppies/Kittens – oh hell no. Do you honestly think a poop factory that also sheds enough hair to knit a good-sized blanket out of on a weekly basis, and chews everything in sight or climbs every available piece of cloth to reach the highest point in the room and leaves behind a mess only Edward Scissorhands could rival is my idea of fun?   Right, buddy.  Come over here and let me kick you in the jewelry box and we’ll compare notes on “fun”.

3.  Dinner – it’s crowded, it’s loud and I can’t hear myself talk much less you, the food is either lousy, overpriced or both.  Oh, and the wait…even with reservations it’s so long I’ve decided to order breakfast by the time we get seated.   Buy me a pizza and let me eat on the couch – that’s heaven.

2.  Sex – really?  I mean if it’s not great already, why does anyone think that it will magically transform into something rivaling the best porn film on this one day?  You are setting yourself up for bitter disappointment.

1.  Contrariness – this is my personal thing, but if you tell me I must celebrate my “love” on February 14th every year, I’m telling you no..and spitting in your eye.  Now, February 15th..that’s another story.

Hey Cupid! Bite me! 



Posted on February 9, 2012, in Maybe I'm The Only One Who Thinks This Is Funny and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Holy crap. I just realized, dear hubby and I forgot our anniversary this year (2/3). We always celebrate it sometime between the 3rd and the 14th of the month. Crap. I’m desperate for a gift idea… 🙂

  2. We generally don’t celebrate Valentine’s day in the Taco house, for various reasons.

    Primarily because if I’m gonna spend $50 on my wife, she’d rather I buy her a video game or crafting supplies instead of a dozen roses that are just gonna die in a week or two. She also doesn’t really like or wear jewelry, which I approve of given that I don’t like buying jewelry (both because it’s expensive and because I don’t have a clue on what to buy).

    We hate crowds, so going out for a meal is out of the question, and we don’t really like cards either, so that’s out too. And over-priced low-quality chocolate in a heart-shaped box! Oh boy.

    So yeah, we generally just spend the weekend at home waiting for all the drama to wash by. One year I bought her a 99 cent discount, flowerless African Violet while I was at Home Depot buying tools. I told her I was giving her “potential flowers.”

    It was a good buy too, the thing ended up becoming three plants, all of which flowered like crazy for about two years. We’ve still got on of them, and it’s still blooming. I really need to take a leaf cutting and make some more plants.

  3. For Valentine’s Day I’m sure we’ll go all out with dinner at IKEA and watching something from the PVR, just like every other night.

  4. To heck with Valentine hype. I got Mr. Eyebrows new underwear. They say “got gas?” on them. And the other day, he came in with a dandelion he had picked from the lawn. He set it on the counter with a post-it next to it reading “me caveman, you pretty like flower.”

    I think we’re good in the romance department.

  5. Addicted Reader

    Mr. AR and I got married on Aug. 12. And every year, right around our halfiversary, all the stores are carrying heart-shaped chocolate and lovely cards. It’s like they know we’re coming!

    (I like chocolate, so any excuse is good in my book. One year I got a heart-shaped Reese’s cup bigger than my fist. It was VERY good. And Mr. AR and I are big on sappy/funny cards. So it’s nice to have a reminder to buy one, even if I end up saving it for some random later.)

  6. But who doesn’t love the teddy bears holding hearts? You couldn’t not like those.

  7. good day everyone im looking for steven singlton is he still about
    a beilin

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