Is Johnny Depp Going to Be There?

I’m what you might consider a robust woman.

I’m not ginormous, but I’m not optimum size.

I’m somewhere in between.

Like all women (and men!) who avoid mirrors and cringe at the doctor’s office weight scales (did you know they add like 10 lbs, consistently?) I’ve struggled with my weight pretty much all my life.

Except for that brief time in high school when I was on the swim team and could eat a whole pizza AND a carton of ice cream and Twinkies and anything else I wanted, and still struggled to keep the weight on.

The trade-off was I spent 2 ½ hours a day in a pool, swimming back and forth, forth and back. 

Apparently, that dedication to maintaining a slim body went away with the birth of the first child.

So did my svelte figure.

Over the years, I’d laughingly refer to my lard-ass as “baby fat”.

Yeah, when your ‘baby’ is 20 years old that excuse no longer works.

I briefly bought into the whole idea that eating fat made me fat.


Or that my metabolism was soooooooo slow I couldn’t lose weight.

Wrong, again.

Then my ‘baby’ girl got serious about losing weight and started on a strict calorie-counting and exercise regime after the birth of her first child.   In eight months she lost nearly 70 lbs.

I was in awe, and a bit jealous, but I maintained she was way younger than me and I couldn’t achieve results like hers because I was eating too much fat and my metabolism was a mighty warrior battling against me.


I finally had to admit I lacked motivation and dedication the day that baby girl told me something:

“Mom, if you were dropped on a deserted island and given 1500 calories’ worth of food to eat every day you would lose weight.”

To which I retorted:

“Depends.  Would  said island also house Johnny Depp?  Because, I could be persuaded…”

Standing there in her skin-tight jeans she just stared at me and shook her head.

It was then I truly understood that eating less and moving more was the only way to achieve success.

Forget the Atkins Diet, the Hollywood Diet, the Cabbage Diet (no-shit, there is a cabbage word – ewwwww), the Dr. Whomever’s Surefire Weight Loss plan.

Forget all of them.

If you are struggling with your weight, I can tell you that each of the fad diets you read about and every one of the supplements you hear being hawked on the airways is all about one simple concept.

Eat fewer calories than you burn.

It’s that simple, and that incredibly hard.

It works, though.

I’m living proof.

After baby girl said that I shut up and put up, so to speak.

And six months later I had lost nearly 40 lbs.

The thing is I stopped doing the right things, for the wrong reasons.  Life intervened, my Dad’s health was declining and stresses at work, and so on.  The same things that all of us deal with.

The difference is, I may have stopped the diet, but I didn’t gain back the weight.


Because even though I stopped measuring every morsel that went into my mouth, I had permanently learned to eat less.

So, now that my life seems to have settled into a routine of manageable chaos once more I am going to begin the diet/exercise regimen once more.

The point of this whole post is this, if you are struggling with weight loss – and this is something you are wanting to focus on – don’t waste your money on over-the-counter magic beans or self-help guru books, just go with the simplicity of physics.

Burn more calories than you consume, and even better, if you can burn or cut 500 calories per day from your life you will lose an average of one pound per week.

I should write a weight-loss book, right?  Trouble is it would only be two pages long.

And, of course, if you’re happy the way you are ignore all of the above.  I salute you.

Posted on July 24, 2012, in Awesomesauce, In All Seriousness, Too Much Information and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Good for you, that you were able to do that. I have struggled forever with my weight, from the time I was about 9 years old. I’m at my top weight now. It sucks. I’ve lacked motivation, because I lack energy. It’s like a vicious cycle that is so so hard to break. I’m glad you were able to make it that far, and that it seems to have made a real change for you for the overall, and not a temporary change that happens with so many “diets”.

  2. Congrats CJ! That is awesome! I too struggle with weight and have all my life. At 5’10” I was happy the summer I got down to a size 14 (more than a dozen years ago). I’m having a partial knee replacement in about two weeks and here’s hoping that once I’m on the other side of that recovery my energy and motivation will return so I can get back to those physics!

  3. I’m with ya, lady. I made that realization awhile back too, and while I haven’t dropped a lot of weight (about 10-15 lbs), That wasn’t my goal. My goal was the 3-4 extra inches around the middle, and I have made a noticeable dent in that. Good luck and keep it up.


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