Desperate Times

It appears that things have gotten pretty bad at the headquarters of Scammers R Us.

 This e-mail arrived in my inbox and I detect a subtle threatening tone.

 Or, am I just being paranoid?

 I’m pretty sure this is from my airport-lost courier from a while back and he’s running out of cash for Starbucks. 

 I feel his pain, but I’m not going to give him any more money.

 Tough love, baby. Look it up.

 Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Website: www.sunshineandrainbows.gov

 

Attention Beneficiary

 

 

FBI OFFICIAL NOTICE? GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY IF YOU DONT WANT US TO ARREST YOU AND JAIL YOU FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

 

This is the final warning you are going to receive from us. I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you?

 

We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails is it because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment details below, then we would first send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been put jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the FBI, CIA and other enforcement agency. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not suppose to be working for the government or any private organization.

 

Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to inset you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE SIGNED, ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you where instructed in the e-mail below. This is the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given a mandate. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to these directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties confiscated.

 

You failed to comply with our directives/instruction and that was the reason why we didn’t hear from you, as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the WARRANT OF ARREST has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the FBI director. We have investigated and found out that you didn’t have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information’s/identity and right now if you ID is placed on our website as a wanted person, I believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the FBI.

 

As a good Christian and a Honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information’s was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the EFCC and they directed me to a private attorney who could help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse, sign and stamp the document at the sum of $180 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.

 

You need to do every possible thing today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd.

 

I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you till 25/7/2012 so that you could get this process done because i learnt that you were sent several e-mail without getting a response from you, Bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it has befall on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.

 

NAME: BALEY  LAMIN

ADDRESS:  LAGOS NIGERIA

TEXT QUESTION:IN GOD

ANSWER: WE TRUST

AMOUNT: $180

Senders Full Name======

Sender Full Address:====

MTCN:=========

 

I particularly liked the part about how the FBI has a sworn warrant for my arrest, even though it’s apparent I had no idea I was perpetrating a fraud. 

I also like the fact that I’m supposed to send $180 to Baley Lamin in Lagos, Nigeria.  That’s it, no other address.  I guess the postman in Nigeria just wanders the countryside calling out the names on the envelopes until someone answers.

No wonder the money these people promise me never gets here. My address is way too specific for them.  

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Posted on September 13, 2012, in Maybe I'm The Only One Who Thinks This Is Funny, Random Crap, Things That Annoy, What the flippity-flop? and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. $10.500,000.00 usd.

    Soooo, all this because you received ten dollars and fifty cents from a Nigerian prince? Sheesh!

  2. You know the scat has hit the fan when you’re dealing with the FBI department whose website is sunshineandrainbows.gov. I’m scared for you, ‘sauce.

  3. No. The Cloak and Dagger department is right across the hall, next door to the Read and Destroy department.

  4. Saucy, you must be a bad, bad lady – I lost count of how many warrants they have for you. 🙂

    I cringe a little every time I see one of these emails because I just know some idiot productive member of society is going to bring one into the branch, all in a panic because they thing the Feds are going to arrest them.

    • And if they do, dear ghostie, you must regale us with the tale! 😉

      • Most of the time it’s just annoying; they’ll bring in a letter claiming they’ve won the Irish Sweepstakes or something and the conversation usually goes something like:

        Me – “Have you ever :done whatever the letter claims they’ve done:?”

        Them – “No, but …”

        Me – “It’s fake. Just ignore it and delete any others you get.”

        Them – :pause:” I’m not sure. Could I talk to someone who might know more about this?”

        Me – :supresses urge to jab them in the eye with my pen: “Okay.”

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