Daily Archives: October 1, 2012
This one came with a picture of ‘Juke’ attached! SQUEE!!!
ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001
Urgent attention needed
We have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in Africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities
The bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to make this payment from any part of the world to your account directly, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) method to make the payment. direct transfers are difficult and secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) are not usually made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities and we ask why must your payment be made in a secret transfer if your transaction is legitimate.
We do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your personal account, so it is our duty as an international agency to correct these little problems before this fund reflects into your personal account.
we advice you to contact us immediately, as your funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody, until you are able to provide us with the dist certificate within 3 days from the country that authorized the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive are terrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to impound the payment and subsequently prosecute you for cross border terrorist financial activates.
based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country. By sending out fraudulent emails without our official logo and emblem we shall release your funds immediately we receive this legal document and we will ensure that you receive your payment without any further delay.
We decided to contact you directly by email to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the huge amount involved. Be informed that the funds are now with a top bank in the united state in your name and under the monitoring/custody of the FBI. At the moment, we have asked the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we instruct them to do so, and only if we receive the dist certificate this is to enable us carry out a comprehensive investigation first before releasing the fund to you.
hence, you are to forward your dist certificate to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, then let us know so that we will direct you to the appropriate authority to obtain the certificate then you are to send it to our office. And thereafter, we will instruct the bank holding the funds, to go ahead and credit your account immediately. If you fail to provide the documents to this office, we will prosecute you and take appropriate action against you for not proving the legality of the funds.
SPECIAL AGENT JUKE WILLIAMS
FOR FBI DIRECTOR
MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER.
cc: general intelligence department (GID)
cc federal bureau of investigation (fFBIi)
cc .internet crime complaint center (ic3)
cc: Asia pacific group on money laundering (APG)
cc: international monetary fund (IMF)
cc: international organization of securities commissions (IOSCO)
cc: international banking security association (IBSA)
cc: world customs organization (WCO)
cc: inter-American development bank (IADB)
cc: national white collar crime center (NW3C)
cc: bureau of justice assistance (BJA)
cc: supreme court of South Africa(SCA)
Unless expressly stated otherwise, this message is confidential and may be privileged. It is intended for the addressee(s) only. Access to this e-mail by anyone else is unauthorized. If you are not an addressee, any disclosure or copying of the contents or any action taken (or not taken) in reliance on it is unauthorized and may be unlawful. If you are not an addressee, please inform the sender immediately.
Salvo que se indique lo contrario, este mensaje es confidencial y puede ser privilegiada. Se pretende a su destinatario (s)solamente. El acceso a este e-mail por cualquier otra persona no estб autorizado. Si usted no es un destinatario, cualquier divulgaciуn o copia de lacontenidos ni de cualquier acciуn realizada (o no) en la dependencia en que no estб autorizado y puede ser ilegal. Si no son unadestinatario, por favor notifique al remitente de inmediato
And here’s the lovely and talented Fuh-bee guy, Juke Williams:
I think he has a nice, honest face don’t you?
I don’t know why, but I was juuuuuuust a little bit skeptical about the offer mentioned above, especially since it was wrapped in a threat, and so I quickly got a ‘dist certificate’ and sent it to ‘Juke’ along with this……….
Is that your real name? ‘Juke’? Kinda catchy.
Anyways, Juke, I really think that’s your covert ops name and your real name is probably something like Elmer or Homer, and your last name has got to be ‘Schmidlapp’. It just has to.
So, Juke, you need a dist certificate, eh?
Well, just so happens I have one. And I’ve attached it to this e-mail.
Don’t worry, it’s safe. It’s just a plain, old, everyday, run-of-the-mill dist certificate. Not like I just made it up on my computer during my lunch hour, or anything like that. I assure you there was a fine institution involved in the making of this dist certificate.
Now, I understand you have some money for me? And from your e-mail, it looks like I’m owed a whopping $10.50, right?
Wow. I can get two of the Starbucks’ Venti Skinny Vanilla Lattes for that. Those are my favorites, you know. Well, not really my favorites. My favorite is the Eggnog Latte, but it’s only available during the holidays and has like a bazillion calories. Probably, I may be guessing here. I only allow myself one or two of them each year, so that probably adds to the enjoyment.
Doesn’t anticipation make everything better?
I think so, and I highly anticipate my $10.50 by return post.
Let me take a moment to thank you, ‘Juke’, for warning me about hoodlums and miscreants, too.
Kids today! What with their baggy pants, and tattoos all over, piercings in places we don’t want to know about, and that crap they call music! Don’t get me started on all that, but rest assured I’ve got my eye on them. At least until the judge issues his restraining order.
But, I’m getting off-track here and you are undoubtedly very busy dispersing these large sums of money to deserving recipients.
Besides, I just hate it when someone goes off on a tangent don’t you? One minute you’re discussing the theory of relativity and the next thing you know you’re caught up in a debate over Schroedinger’s cat or this year’s group of American Idol contestants.
So, anyways, please hurry with that $10.50. I may need it for bail money. That is, if the judge signs the restraining order. Though, I don’t know why he would. I can’t help it if those kids just happened to walk by – with their crazy piercings and baggy pants – just as I was vigorously sweeping the lawn with my new broom, and I decided right then and there to teach them about the game we played when I was a child. It’s called ‘Chase’, and it’s what the name implies. Although, swinging a broom was my way of putting my personal stamp on an old game. I don’t call that ‘harassment’. I call it ‘innovation’. Some people have no vision.
I’m totally innocent here.
‘Violet Chamberlain’ (totally my covert ops name)
And, we wait…….