Monthly Archives: November 2012

Whozeewatsits

I’m just terrible at remembering names.

Names of people and names of things.

If you are ever introduced to me, and I don’t quickly grasp your name, you will be christened with some nickname I’ve created using what probably, sorta, sounds like your real name.

Take Richard Bottondorfer.  I was introduced to him at work when he came to do some contract technical writing, and that last name sent my brain circuits into a whatwasthathejustsaidiwillneverrememberthat moment.

So, Richard got a nickname.  I called him “Buttercup”.    I guess I could have called him Richard, but where’s the fun in that?  At first, this stately gentleman was none too thrilled with it and I was told to tone it down.  So, I did.   

Then, one day I called his office and when he saw my name come up on his display he answered the phone with, “This is Buttercup.”

Apparently, he decided he liked that nickname after all.

I give other people nicknames based on personality traits or looks or just because something about that person reminds me of something else.

There was ‘Shrek’, who got his name the day he walked into my office wearing a bright green polo shirt.

There’s “Baby Jesus”, a fellow employee who looks just like every picture of Jesus I’ve ever seen…only he’s younger, hence the “baby” part.

“Tater Head” was a bald co-worker with ginormous ears.

“Crash”, because he totaled a car and his motorcycle in the same month.

My husband, a whiz at face-recognition, is similarly afflicted.  Only what he does is thoroughly mix and mash names.  For instance, if I introduce him to Mary White and Jim Smith he might call them Jim Mary and White Smith or Mary Jim and Smith White, or…well you get the idea.

He also does this with food names.    If he can’t pronounce something a) he doesn’t trust eating it and b) he makes up some name for it.   When I told him caviar is often referred to as “beluga” he translated that to “balloon eggs”…still cracks me up.

Even simple things he will sometimes forget the name of or make-up one he likes better.

Case in point is the McDonald’s Filet-o-Fish sammich.  Mmmmm…yummy processed and deep-fried rectangles of questionable content.   He calls them the “Fish-o-Matic”, which is funny enough but was downright gut-busting the time he went to Mickey D’s drive-through and ordered it that way. 

Order Taker:  “Welcome to McDonald’s. How may I help you?”

Hubby: “Yeah, I’ll take the fish-o-matic, fries and a vanilla shake.”

*crickets*

I realized what he said, and started to giggle.

Hubby: “What?”

Me: “You called it a ‘fish-o-matic’”

Hubby: “No, I didn’t”

Me: *giggling*

Order Taker:  “Sir, could you repeat that?  I don’t think we have a fishelmatic.”

Me: *guffawing*

Hubby:  “I said fish-o—-shit! Sorry.  I meant a fish (turns to me) – what’s it called?”

Me: “Filet-o-fish”

Hubby: “Okay, a filet of fish-o-matic.”  *starts laughing*

Order Taker: “Please drive up to the window to complete your order.”

Some people have no sense of humor.

This Isn’t Really a Post About Anything………

……….just I’m sick…and whiny…..waaaaaaaaaaah…

I got walking pneumonia and an ear infection the day before Thanksgiving. 

Spent Thanksgiving day entertaining the family, not a one knows I’m sick, and then spent the next three days just lying around doing nothing much.

I couldn’t…everything is an effort and I get tired just walking from one room to the other.  Also, I feel drunk without the fun, because my ear is full of fluid.

I do feel a little better today, but I’m back at work and I’m already exhausted.

Like I said, this isn’t really a post about anything.

So, um…are you ready for Christmas? 

p.s. Aaaaaaaaaaand our computer blew up – literally – yesterday.  It’s old (8 yrs.) so it’s time to replace…but I didn’t plan on spending that money right now.

p.p.s. I’m thankful I have the money to replace my computer, so I’ve got it better than many people I know.

Home, Home, Home…

As I walked in the fast-food place, the elderly couple and their elderly lady friend were coming out.

Lady 1: I’m so ready to go home.

Lady 2: Me, too! I’m going to go home and take my shoes off and put my feet up…

Gentleman:  That’s a good idea. I’m going hom-

Lady 2: (evidently the wife) No, you’re not.  You are going to The Home Depot and get that light bulb.

Gentleman: No, I’m not. I’m going to The Home Depot…to The Home Depot…lightbulb..

And, he smiled brightly as he realized that he’d just been told to go to the gigantic toy store for men.

They were soooooooooooooo cute.

We All Have Lists

I’m no exception.

I’ve got mundane lists – Groceries: milk, bananas, bread, uranium, canned unicorn, etc.

I’ve got important lists – Camping Trip: lots of canned food, water, fishing gear, pillows, blankets, ponchos, chain mail, etc.

And then, I’ve got the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot lists.

Today, I’ll share one of them.

Foods I Can’t Imagine Anyone Would Intentionally Eat – Unless They Were Being Tortured

1. Sushi – first, people, the term ‘sushi’ refers to the way the food is prepared, with a rice ingredient – or not prepared as in the case of what we call ‘sushi’.   The correct term for raw fish is ‘sashimi’.  Whatever. The food we call ‘sushi’ is actually known as ‘bait’ everywhere else in the world except California and possibly Japan – I can’t verify the last one, never having been there.   Why would anyone, not trapped on a deserted island with no coconuts or perfectly good peacocks left to eat, resort to eating raw fish?   It makes no sense whatsoever.

2. Caviar – who the hell was the first person to gut a Sturgeon, yank out the eggs – yes, fecking eggs from a fish’s ovary here – and say…”Damn, I’ll bet that’d go good on a Ritz!”?  It wasn’t me.  I’m never going to do that.  Ever. Sturgeon everywhere, take heed for you are safe with me.

3. Sauerkraut – as if plain cabbage weren’t bad enough, someone decided to pickle this monstrosity and after re-naming it, slap it on a perfectly good corned-beef sammich.   There ought to be a law.

4. Calamari – it’s squid, people.  Like miniature octopuses (octopi?).  You ever get caught yanking one of these babies out of the ocean by its mommy…and well, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” anyone?   Besides, it tastes like rubber bands – fried or smothered in a tomato-based sauce, doesn’t matter.   I’m not paying $11.99/lb. for something I can get for $1 a bag at the Dollar Store.

5. Coconut – and this one will probably be controversial, but I’m sorry.  It’s just gross.  Texture, taste, even covered in chocolate – and I thought chocolate could fix anything – it’s disgusting.

6. Pickled Pig’s Feet – Oh.My.Gawd…..just….no….I can’t even…….*herk*

7. Scrapple – do you know what’s in ‘Scrapple’?  Ask Uncle Google and be prepared to never eat again.  Not ever.

8. Head Cheese – (why are there so many pork-based disgusting food products?)  Sweet clothespin jeebus…who thinks of this shit?  The chainsaw massacre family is real, isn’t it?  ISN’T IT????

9. Haggis – across the pond, the Scottish delight in this concoction made from sheep’s hearts, livers, lungs and stomach.  They call it a ‘pudding’.  I call it ‘vomit-inducing’, and figure so long as they eat this stuff we’re in no danger of being invaded by a bunch of Scottish kilt-wearing ruffians.   Can’t stay out of the loo long enough.

10. Tripe – intestines…and stomach…and why, Why, WHY?????

When I started this list I thought I’d come up with 3-5 items, but the more I think about it the longer the list gets.

I have to stop now, my breakfast is trying to make a return visit to the outside world. 

Enjoy your lunch!

If This Doesn’t Make You Cry, You Have No Soul

Heart-rending, gut-wrenching, sad, sweet, bitter and tear-inducing.

From Jess.

 

Run Away!

It’s what I do in times of severe stress, crisis, tribulation.

I start out during any trying time in my life by retreating.  It’s a bad habit, and one I’m working on, but there you have it.

So, if I’m posting sporadically, you know it’s because right now I’m going through a trying time and like the Disciples in the boat on the Sea of Galilee, I’m at the running around screaming like my hair’s on fire stage.

Later, I’ll be like Jesus was…asleep and calm in the midst of a raging storm.

At least, I hope that’s the way it plays out.

In the meantime I’ll try to keep in touch with you kids, and know I do need your support.

Even if I’m being horribly cryptic and dramatic.

I can’t explain it any further…at least not now.

Perhaps, after the storm has passed.

God Bless!

From the Depths…

If you’re a conservative, like me, then this week has been a bummer…to say the least.

But, I’m a helper.

So, to that end I present Tugger.

You’re welcome, and cheer up…it’s only four years. 

We can survive, right?

Right?

Please tell me we can survive it.

*sniffle*

*sob*

See Now I Haz A Disappoint, It’s Like He’s Not Even Trying Anymore..

Just read this, and I’ll pass around the aspirin.

 

 

FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC/ADDRESS 455 AGBOKOU,ANKPA
ROAD OPPOSITE TUNDE MOTORS COTONOU.
WEB: SITE.www.westernunion.com
MOBILE PHONE: +229-98-338-347

Attention:

This is to notify all our clients about the latest development concerning all the payment that are left in our custody. Which yours are inclusive besides, your where given a bill of $285.00 in order to receive your payment of $1.2 Million which we didn’t hear from you for some time now.

Hence, Our Western Union is now offering a Special Bonus to help all our customers that are having their payment in our custody due to high price. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $69 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.

Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and you have to comply and your funds shall be transfer to your destination address immediately without any delay.

But remember that after (one week) you did not make the payment we will divert your funds to government fund (ACCOUNT) to avoid problem or we will cancel the payment for this year until next year because this year is not last year,

Again after (one week) We will enter A new project for the year and that is the reason we decide to help all our customers before we enter the new project for the new year.

So be advise to send the $69 immediately, So that we can be able to re-new and re-confirmed your payment file here as I have told you earlier for you to start picking the fund up from any western union office near you same day $5000.00 per day.

Be advice that there is no time again for us to call you on phone unless you will call +229-93-22-6442.

NOTE; after the payment of $69 you will start receiving your money Five (5) times per week $5000.00 till the payment of $1.2Million is complete transferred to you through western union.

STOP DELAYING THIS FUND HERE.

REMEMBER THAT ONCE THIS NEEDED MONEY IS RECEIVED HERE AS I TOLD YOU, THIS FUND WILL BE RELEASED FOR YOU TO START PICKING IT UP FROM ANY WESTERN UNION OFFICE NEAR YOU SAME DAY.

Send this needed fee $69 now through Western Union Money Transfer with the information’s below:

1.RECEIVER NAME:….Peter Oforka
2. COUNTRY:….. Republic of Benin .
3. CITY :……… Cotonou.
4. TEXT QUESTION:……Honest
5.TEXT ANSWER:…..Trust….
6.AMOUNT:…….$69. 00 USD
MTCN NUMBER……
SENDER’S NAME SHOULD BE YOUR NAME.

WE ARE WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE TO ENABLE THIS OFFICE KNOW YOUR ARRANGEMENT FOR THE PAYMENT. YOU CALL US FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THIS CELL PHONE NUMBER: +229-98-338-347

NOTE; DO RE-CONFIRMED YOUR FULL CONTACT INFORMATION’S WITH YOUR DIRECT PHONE NUMBER.

BEST REGARDS,
MR.HARRY MUSA.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

This could not go unanswered, but rather than grade it for grammar, spelling, context, or sense-making, I took advantage of  my ‘Net buddy, TacoMagic’s, advice in a previous post I had about this and made a reasonable request in my reply:

Tell you what, just deduct the $69 from my first payment and then send me the remaining $4,931.00

 

Sound like a plan there, Sparky?

 

Good.

 

Oh, and the Secret Service of the United States wants you to give them a call.  I don’t know why, it may have something to do with their $69 fee.   If you’re smart, you’ll waive it in their case. 

 

…..aaaaaaaaaaaand we wait…and while we wait, go show some love to the multi-talented new Daddy, Taco Magic.