Daily Archives: November 19, 2012

We All Have Lists

I’m no exception.

I’ve got mundane lists – Groceries: milk, bananas, bread, uranium, canned unicorn, etc.

I’ve got important lists – Camping Trip: lots of canned food, water, fishing gear, pillows, blankets, ponchos, chain mail, etc.

And then, I’ve got the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot lists.

Today, I’ll share one of them.

Foods I Can’t Imagine Anyone Would Intentionally Eat – Unless They Were Being Tortured

1. Sushi – first, people, the term ‘sushi’ refers to the way the food is prepared, with a rice ingredient – or not prepared as in the case of what we call ‘sushi’.   The correct term for raw fish is ‘sashimi’.  Whatever. The food we call ‘sushi’ is actually known as ‘bait’ everywhere else in the world except California and possibly Japan – I can’t verify the last one, never having been there.   Why would anyone, not trapped on a deserted island with no coconuts or perfectly good peacocks left to eat, resort to eating raw fish?   It makes no sense whatsoever.

2. Caviar – who the hell was the first person to gut a Sturgeon, yank out the eggs – yes, fecking eggs from a fish’s ovary here – and say…”Damn, I’ll bet that’d go good on a Ritz!”?  It wasn’t me.  I’m never going to do that.  Ever. Sturgeon everywhere, take heed for you are safe with me.

3. Sauerkraut – as if plain cabbage weren’t bad enough, someone decided to pickle this monstrosity and after re-naming it, slap it on a perfectly good corned-beef sammich.   There ought to be a law.

4. Calamari – it’s squid, people.  Like miniature octopuses (octopi?).  You ever get caught yanking one of these babies out of the ocean by its mommy…and well, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” anyone?   Besides, it tastes like rubber bands – fried or smothered in a tomato-based sauce, doesn’t matter.   I’m not paying $11.99/lb. for something I can get for $1 a bag at the Dollar Store.

5. Coconut – and this one will probably be controversial, but I’m sorry.  It’s just gross.  Texture, taste, even covered in chocolate – and I thought chocolate could fix anything – it’s disgusting.

6. Pickled Pig’s Feet – Oh.My.Gawd…..just….no….I can’t even…….*herk*

7. Scrapple – do you know what’s in ‘Scrapple’?  Ask Uncle Google and be prepared to never eat again.  Not ever.

8. Head Cheese – (why are there so many pork-based disgusting food products?)  Sweet clothespin jeebus…who thinks of this shit?  The chainsaw massacre family is real, isn’t it?  ISN’T IT????

9. Haggis – across the pond, the Scottish delight in this concoction made from sheep’s hearts, livers, lungs and stomach.  They call it a ‘pudding’.  I call it ‘vomit-inducing’, and figure so long as they eat this stuff we’re in no danger of being invaded by a bunch of Scottish kilt-wearing ruffians.   Can’t stay out of the loo long enough.

10. Tripe – intestines…and stomach…and why, Why, WHY?????

When I started this list I thought I’d come up with 3-5 items, but the more I think about it the longer the list gets.

I have to stop now, my breakfast is trying to make a return visit to the outside world. 

Enjoy your lunch!