We All Have Lists

I’m no exception.

I’ve got mundane lists – Groceries: milk, bananas, bread, uranium, canned unicorn, etc.

I’ve got important lists – Camping Trip: lots of canned food, water, fishing gear, pillows, blankets, ponchos, chain mail, etc.

And then, I’ve got the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot lists.

Today, I’ll share one of them.

Foods I Can’t Imagine Anyone Would Intentionally Eat – Unless They Were Being Tortured

1. Sushi – first, people, the term ‘sushi’ refers to the way the food is prepared, with a rice ingredient – or not prepared as in the case of what we call ‘sushi’.   The correct term for raw fish is ‘sashimi’.  Whatever. The food we call ‘sushi’ is actually known as ‘bait’ everywhere else in the world except California and possibly Japan – I can’t verify the last one, never having been there.   Why would anyone, not trapped on a deserted island with no coconuts or perfectly good peacocks left to eat, resort to eating raw fish?   It makes no sense whatsoever.

2. Caviar – who the hell was the first person to gut a Sturgeon, yank out the eggs – yes, fecking eggs from a fish’s ovary here – and say…”Damn, I’ll bet that’d go good on a Ritz!”?  It wasn’t me.  I’m never going to do that.  Ever. Sturgeon everywhere, take heed for you are safe with me.

3. Sauerkraut – as if plain cabbage weren’t bad enough, someone decided to pickle this monstrosity and after re-naming it, slap it on a perfectly good corned-beef sammich.   There ought to be a law.

4. Calamari – it’s squid, people.  Like miniature octopuses (octopi?).  You ever get caught yanking one of these babies out of the ocean by its mommy…and well, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” anyone?   Besides, it tastes like rubber bands – fried or smothered in a tomato-based sauce, doesn’t matter.   I’m not paying $11.99/lb. for something I can get for $1 a bag at the Dollar Store.

5. Coconut – and this one will probably be controversial, but I’m sorry.  It’s just gross.  Texture, taste, even covered in chocolate – and I thought chocolate could fix anything – it’s disgusting.

6. Pickled Pig’s Feet – Oh.My.Gawd…..just….no….I can’t even…….*herk*

7. Scrapple – do you know what’s in ‘Scrapple’?  Ask Uncle Google and be prepared to never eat again.  Not ever.

8. Head Cheese – (why are there so many pork-based disgusting food products?)  Sweet clothespin jeebus…who thinks of this shit?  The chainsaw massacre family is real, isn’t it?  ISN’T IT????

9. Haggis – across the pond, the Scottish delight in this concoction made from sheep’s hearts, livers, lungs and stomach.  They call it a ‘pudding’.  I call it ‘vomit-inducing’, and figure so long as they eat this stuff we’re in no danger of being invaded by a bunch of Scottish kilt-wearing ruffians.   Can’t stay out of the loo long enough.

10. Tripe – intestines…and stomach…and why, Why, WHY?????

When I started this list I thought I’d come up with 3-5 items, but the more I think about it the longer the list gets.

I have to stop now, my breakfast is trying to make a return visit to the outside world. 

Enjoy your lunch!

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Posted on November 19, 2012, in Maybe I'm The Only One Who Thinks This Is Funny, Random Crap, Things That Will Piss You Off, What the flippity-flop? and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Whatever you do, never -EVER- ask Uncle Google what “balut” is. You will regret it.

  2. CJ, I love your lists! I thought I was the only one who had uranium on her grocery list! Thanks for the tips on what NOT to eat. To be perfectly honest, most of those were already on my “Will not cross my palate” list. It is good to be reminded though that you aren’t alone.

  3. I am not a huge fan of sushi. It seems to appeal to women more than it does to men, in my experience at least. However, some of it is interesting and not all of it contains raw fish. And I’m not just talking about the vegetarian stuff… I’ve had sushi with fried shrimp, etc. in it, and that’s not so bad. The raw stuff, much like raw oysters (which are a delicacy where I’m from) seem to be just a substrate for sauce.

    Speaking of delicacies where I’m from, head cheese is delicious. And the methods for preparing it are significantly different now than they were when I was growing up. It’s pretty similar to a shrimp dip or something like that, except made of pig, which is always better (except for pickled pig’s feet, which might be better than the pickled feet of other animals but I really don’t want to find out.)

    And I can’t condemn sauerkraut, because it is an integral part of a Reuben, which is not bad at all, and I kinda want one right now.

    But the rest of that stuff is awful.

  4. Aw man, CJ…you had to go and publish a list that I need to weigh in on! Since I live in a part of California that is HUGE on foodie-ness, some of those items you got there are staples.

    Sushi and sashimi (indeed, any kind of Asian cuisine) can be absolutely horrible if not prepared correctly and with the freshest possible ingredients. The region around us is known for its favorable growing conditions and a diverse population. This results in some truly wonderful restaurants that serve absolutely delicious food from all over the international map. And, since we are fortunately just far enough away from the nearest metropolitan influence, they can be found at reasonable prices. Make no mistake, we have our share of highbrow restaurants associated with the Sonoma and Napa regions, but there are also some great finds “not on the tourist map.” Combine that with fresh local seafood like calamari, oysters and salmon (I could be a seal, I eat so much), it’s a big win for us!

    I’m with D/DM on a Reuben. Love ’em!

    I am in total agreement with the rest of your list. Mr. Eyebrows loves it all, menudo (tripe) being plentiful around here and one of his favorites. I have often wondered who thunk up these things as edible?

    On a different note, uranium sounds handy. I’ll have to look in to it. If I google it, do you think it will come up under Food Network or Doomsday Preppers?

  5. Yeah, sorry, but we only converge at #6 (with the exception of caviar, since I have never had the opportunity to try it). I absolutely LOVE a well done Reuben, and like sauerkraut on hot dogs and bratwurst. I could live on *good* (note the caveat) sushi/sushimi/calimari (grew up in California and I have been to Japan).

    • I once worked in a VERY high-end restaurant where Beluga flowed like the disgusting fish-eggs it was.

      I tasted it, and managed to down some of it.

      I didn’t get to keep it.

      Yes, it’s that disgusting.

  6. Add snails to that list. Also “head cheese”. I’m adventurous but not when it comes to organ meats and whatever category snails come under. Might as well eat a slug.

  7. I can agree to that, CJ! (Sorry for late response…was in Maine for holiday visit with grandbabygirls..eating lobster and avoiding mooses).

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