Monthly Archives: January 2013

I Share Genetics With These People

I have seven grandchildren.

I love every one of them to pieces.

However, sometimes I wonder who they are…

 

Oldest daughter and I are on the phone, chatting about the upcoming  Supreme Plate (can’t say the *real* name here, lest I want to get sued…because we all know that millions of lawyers for the NFL are watching this blog right now waiting for me to slip up.  To them I say, ‘Neener..Neener’.) this Sunday.  I hear smoochie noises in the background, and then….

Daughter: Son, are you making out with yourself in the mirror?

5-yr. old Son:  *giggling*Yes, mama I am! *more giggling*

And then there was the time my baby girl and her oldest were at the grocery store, in the produce aisle….

5-yr. old Daughter: Mama! I just farted on the fruit!

Baby Girl: (without even looking up) Don’t fart on the fruit, honey.

Who needs a sitcom when you’ve got kids?

 

What the…? Oh Wait, Come Back Here!

You know how you can be driving along and all of a sudden the car in the lane next to you decides that right where you are is right where it needs to be right now?

Twice?

And, you hit the brakes, utter some expletives about the level of intelligence of the driver of said car and honk.

Twice.

And then, the car that almost caused a nasty wreck with lots of damage and plenty of pain for you pulls ahead enough for you to see the logo on the back of the car, and it says “Maserati”.

And you yell, “Come back, I didn’t mean it! Hit me, PLEASE!!!”

Just me, then?  Okay.

Good To Know I’m Yummy

From the Spambot du juor:

“Excellent website. Plenty of helpful information here. I’m sending it to some friends ans also sharing in delicious. And naturally, thanks to your sweat!”

Apparently I’m delicious, thanks to my sweat.

I must conclude, therefore, that my sweat is yummy.

You’re welcome.

Apparently, I’m In the Process of Buying a New House

Well, at least the person who answered the phone at Major Plumbing Company thinks so.

For the record, I’m not.

Also for the record, I need a plumber.

And that’s why I called Major Plumbing Company in the first place.  The conversation went like this:

Major Plumbing Company Receptionist/Scheduler:  Hello, this is MPC, how may I help you?

Me: Yes, I need to get someone to come out and look at a valve in my tub.  I can’t turn the water on.

MPCR/S:  Address?

Me: 123 Everywhere, Anytown, TX

MPCR/S: *silence*

This went on for a few seconds, so I looked at my phone to see if it had dropped the call.  It hadn’t.

Me:  Hello?  Hellooooooo?

A few seconds later….

MPCR/S: And when do you close?

Me: What? This isn’t a new house or a sale.

MPCR/S: Can you verify your address again, because I’m not finding it.

Me: 123 Everywhere Court – or it could be Drive, depends on which map you are looking at, Anytown, TX

MPCR/S: *silence*

By now, I figured out the silence was actually my being put on hold.  I waited just a few seconds and she was back.

MPCR/S: What is your closing date?

Me: (what the hell, let’s have some fun) November 30th, 1997

MPCR/S: Uhhh….

Me: This is not for an inspection.  This is not a new house, this is not a sale.  I need a repair to the valve in my bathtub.

MPCR/S: And who is your builder?

Me: Jack.  Mine is the house that Jack built.

MPCR/S: Is it still under warranty?

Me: I wish…but, no.

MPCR/S: And when is your closing date?

Me: January 4th, 2027

MPCR/S: *silence*

I hung up, thoroughly amused and pissed at the same time.  Major Company lost out when I called Much Smaller and Local Company and scheduled an appointment in less than one minute.

Seriously, though, how stupid can a person be and still be employed.  Because, if that woman is the ‘bar’, then it’s scraping the ground right now.

Clearly A Rebel

clearly a rebel

And Then Everyone Ran Into Everybody

Walked outside yesterday morning at 4:00 AM to see hubby off to work, and heard sand hitting the cars, street, grass.

What the…?

Hubby looked at me and said..”It’s sleeting.”

Few things will cause me to seize with terror. 

“It’s sleeting.” is definitely on the short list for that.  

It’s not that I can’t drive in sleet or snow, I can.   What I cannot drive in is freezing rain or ice. 

I know my limitations as a driver.

However, I live in Texas and the last thing any Texan will admit is not having  a thorough, indisputable, knowledge of…….everything.  Including driving in the ice/snow/sleet.  This is a perfect example of a little knowledge being an extremely dangerous thing.

Any Texan, except me.   I prepared to go back inside and slip into my jammies and get back in bed.  Hubby, also a Texan – one with a massive four-wheel drive truck, prepared to go to work.

He said he’d call me when he got there and let me know how the roads were before I made any decisions.

At 4:45 AM he called me to say the roads weren’t bad…..yet.   And, if I wanted to go to work I better leave…..now.

I contemplated the question of whether or not I ever really wanted to go to work, and decided that was far too philosophical for 4:45 in the morning.  

I focused, instead, on whether or not I wanted to go to work driving on an ice rink.  And my car doesn’t have skates.

I decided to be brave, to be bold, to be stupid.

I left at 5:00 AM, and at first the roads were dry and clear.   I wondered what all the fuss was about.

Halfway through my commute I noticed that hail/snow stuff called “grapple” or “gropple” or something like that was hitting the windshield.  It lay in waves on the road that moved back and forth as cars passed over.  It was quite fascinating to watch, but before long the roadway became wet with the melting of the snow/sleet as it came down heavier and heavier.

No problem, I thought, I got this…it’s just wet roads.

Then….the bridge…the first of many I had to cross loomed large in front of me.    It wasn’t wet.  It was white. It was frozen.  It was treacherous.

Contrary to the belief of every Texan who drives – that if you are on wet/slick roads, put the pedal to the metal  – I slowed down a little and instead of death-gripping the steering wheel lightly guided it with my fingers as I crossed bridge after bridge.  Each one was slicker than the last and heavily iced.

I actually got to work with no issues, but the instant I got out of the car I think I heard every Dallas PD and FD unit heading out and by 7:00 AM there were well over 100 car accidents in the DFW Metroplex.

Which just goes to prove my theory about Texas drivers – if the pavement is not dry, the sky not clear, and the temperature not in the 90’s, let’s all get in our cars and run into each other, the barriers, guardrails, restaurants, fences, houses, airplanes, skateboards, and whatever else we can see from our drivers’ vantage point, just as fast as we possibly can.

And This All Happened Before All The Other Stuff That’s Happened Since…

It was Christmas Eve, the day my family celebrates Christmas, because the next day is the day the other side(s) of the families celebrate Christmas..and it sounds more complicated than it is.

Maybe.

Anyway, oldest son is divorced and since he has two little ones to get ready and out the door he’s often late to family gatherings. 

So, we weren’t concerned when the appointed hour for his arrival came and went.

Then, my phone rang.

“Mom? I can’t believe it, and it’s cold and I have my babies!” He was nearly hysterical on the other end of the phone.

“What happened?”

“I’m…I don’t know where we are…oh there’s a sign!”

“What happened?” I said, louder this time.

“On the toll road.  The car! Oh my God, I can’t believe this!”

At this point, I’m thinking he’s had a horrible accident and possibly a head injury.

“Are the kids okay?”

“Yes, I guess…I mean..it’s cold.”

“Did you get hit?”

“What?”

“Did.You.Get.Hit??”

“Oh…no..no…nothing like that.  The car’s engine just blew up.”

Oh…yeah, no problems there…riiiiiiiight.

“Oh..are you in the middle of the road?”

“No, I got it off the highway and am here in front of {location}…and I need a tow, and I have NO MONEY!” 

Of course he has no money, none of my grown children ever seem to have money for these things.

“Don’t worry about that.  I’ll pay for a tow.”

“I can’t pay you back, I lost my job.”

“What? You’ve worked there five years! When did this happen?”

“Mom, not right now.  It’s cold. I need to talk to brother and have him come get me.”

“Okay…we’ll talk when you get here.”

I hand the phone to his brother and in a few minutes he leaves to pick up everyone and bring them back to my house.

I called the tow company and arranged for a tow to the closest shop of the car.  I thought it was my son’s car, but it was actually my ex-daughter-in-law’s, because son’s car blew a tranny and he couldn’t afford to fix it.  But, I said I’d pay for it and I did.

Guess how much a 10-mile tow costs.

Guess how much it costs on Christmas Eve. 

Sigh….

In the end, son and grandkids made it to my house and the use of a loaner car his sister has was secured.  My pockets were a little lighter, but my heart was happy to see how my kids look out for one another as all manner of “Whatever you need…” was repeated over and over that night.  Son was totally shocked at the outpouring, and I (gently) admonished him for not believing we’d be there for him. 

He teared up and hugged me tight…”I love you, Mom” was whispered in my ear.

Best.Present.Ever.

Ever have one of those months…erm..years?

Yeah, in November I contracted double-pneumonia (the walking kind, as opposed to the it-will-kill-you kind)…

Got over that about a week ago…..finally.

Did a happy dance, realized I was shaking all over…and not in a happy-dance kind of way.

Took my temp…it was 101.

What.The.Feck?

That was last Saturday.

By Sunday, I was literally incapacitated.  I was sooooo sick.

On Monday, dragged my ass to the doctor.

I have the flu.

And bronchitis.

And a throat infection.

Ima just gonna go crawl under the covers and stay there.

Somebody wake me when it’s 2014, kthxbai!

FIRE!!!!!! WHA – ????

It’s 3:00 a.m., and the doorbell rings.

It rings again, and as hubby sleepily asks “Who’s at the door at this time of night?”, you realize it’s your phone’s ringtone you’re hearing and you tell hubby – “No one, silly, but baby girl is calling.”

By this time, you’ve missed the call so you drag your still half-sleeping arse out of bed and hit redial.

“Mom, are fireplaces supposed to be 24 hours?”

And as your brain goes from sleepy haze to adrenalin rushed you realize….

…you, my friend, have entered…the Panic Zone…duh..dun…DUNNNNNNNNN!

“WHA-?”

“I’m here and the place is dark and no cars are in the parking lot.”

Oh, fire station…fire station…she meant fire station….sigh, okay heart slow down their house is not on fire….

“Umm…yeah, pretty sure it’s a 24/7 operation at a fire station, honey.”

“Yeah, well NO ONE is here!”

“Wait…why are you there?”

“The baby…she’s sick and having trouble breathing and I want them to check her vitals and her pulse ox and make sure she’s okay and I don’t need to go to the ER with her.”

“Oh…well…..wait, in Smallville isn’t the fire department volunteer?”

“I don’t know, maybe.  But I left Smallville and am now in the parking lot of Muchlargerville’s main fireplace and there’s still no one around.”

“Well, they are on 24 hr shifts so maybe they’re asleep.  Did you check through the bay doors for lights on?”

“Yeah, there’s nothing.”

“Okay, well call the non-emergency dispatch number for Muchlargerville and tell them…”

“The what?” 

“Non-emergency dispatch number for police and fire.  Every town has one.”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s stupid.  You know what? I’m just gonna go back home.”

I could tell baby girl was exhausted and frustrated by this time.

“Okay, but is the baby breathing alright?”

“Well, she’s not blue or anything.  She’s just laboring.”

“Maybe you should – “

“Mom, that’s hubby on the other line.  I’ll call you back.”

That was five hours ago.

No more sleep for Mom, no more sleep for Dad.  No word on the baby, yet.

Oh look, there’s gray hair #2,365.

Heh…Heh…

…gotcha…