Monthly Archives: February 2013

For Your Blindness………

Ima just leave you with this wall o’ text. Draw your own conclusions.  Me, I’m going with my initial reaction – that there’s a horde of cats, carrying SPAM, waiting for me at an undisclosed airport location.  I must bring CASH or those drug-addled terrorists a/k/a “cats”, will invade the residence of 3 Diplomats (apparently an obscure band I’ve never heard of – wonder if that makes me less-than-hip?) and wreak havoc, by letting slip the dogs of non-circumvention.  Now, I don’t know what any of that means, but I’m getting my torch and pitchfork mob ready because at the end of all this there just has to be a zombie mob.  There. Just. Has. To. Be.

This is an official notification of the availability of a package deposited in your name and it is not a sales solicitation or SPAM.We are Diplomats that use our immunity and status to safekeep special and valuable packages and baggage in trust for reputable clients that are honest and trustworthy.We work in collaboration with top firms and Governments of various countries as we have earned a name as a service whose hallmarks in reliability and confidentiality are revered.International missions, Fellow Diplomats and Embassies of the world have used our services to satisfaction.A benefactor whose identity can not be disclosed because of the Non Circumvention and Non Disclosure Agreement that was signed with the said benefactor when the packages were being deposited made you the beneficiary of a package containing some amount of money and stated clearly that you should only be contacted when the time signed for it to be in our care elapses and the time has already elapsed that is why you are being contacted.The Non Circumvention and Non Disclosure Agreement signed with the benefactor mandates us to fully divulge and disclose the benefactor’s identity 18 months after the beneficiary has received the funds.We confirm that these funds are fully free of any liens, or encumbrances and are clean, clear and non-criminal origin and are available in the form of CASH.You are hereby advised to send your Full Contact Information as well as the name of the closest airport to your city in the format stated below so that the funds would be brought to your Country of residence by 3 Diplomats who would accompany you to your bank (if you want them to) to deposit the funds in your name and submit all documentations that has to do with the origin of the funds in other to exonerate you from any form of investigations or interrogation and to authenticate the fact that the funds are clean and has no links whatsover with either drugs or terrorism.The Requested Information is to ensure that no mistake or error is made and it should be forwarded in the manner stated below:

Your Full Name: ______________________________ Your cell number:________________________________Your Complete Address: ________________________________ Name of City of Residence: ____________________ Name of Closest Airport to your city of esidence:_________________________________Complete the above and send back to me as soon as possible.Congratulations in advance.

Thank you and I sincerely Remain,

Stephen Herman

Email: herman200@barid.com

Email2:herman2000@barid.com

Cell:+447924428381

You Know Me, I’m A Helper

So, if you haven’t laughed so hard you peed your pants yet this week…..

Go here, and click on the video clip in the middle of the page.

But first, be sure to have an extra pair of underwear on hand..or Depends…whatever floats your boat.

I Can’t Wait Until They Make the Movie!

Plot dynamics!  Interesting characters! Humor! Action! Adventure! Romance! We’ve got it all right here!!!

A Little Slice of Silver Awesomesauce

I…just….wow….wow…double-wow….

In all their majesty, some of God’s finest creatures deign to share a moment or two.

I Am Afraid I Might Have to Break Up….

….with my dentist, and it won’t be pretty I tell you.

He’s become something of a stalker lately.

At least once a week since the beginning of January I’ve gotten a text message:

“Hey {name}! It’s time for your checkup!”

And when that doesn’t work someone from his office will call me, and since I never answer when I see it’s them, will leave me this chipper message:

“Hi {name}! We have/had a cancellation/opening this week at {time} on {day}.  Would you like to come in for a check up?”

Mind you, it’s not like it’s been years…no, wait..no…it’s not been years since I’ve been to the dentist.  It’s just that I haven’t been this year and there’s all that insurance money to be spent my dental health to think of.

Now I’m not one of those scaredy-cats when it comes to seeing a dentist – especially since Dr. Feelgood practices sedation dentistry – and God love him for that!   It’s just that I haven’t had time for my semi-annual check up and cleaning yet. 

It’s only February, dude!   Don’t push me!  I’m feeling suffocated here!  I hate to have to say this, but I think we need to take a break.  I need my space.

It’s not you, it’s me.

No..wait…it’s you.  It’s definitely you.

Just give me some time, and maybe I’ll call you. 

Sigh, I hate break-ups.  There’s all that starting over, getting to know someone, and praying they aren’t a psychotic stal—-  

:phone rings:

It’s him……..

Yes, I Realize Valentine’s Day Was Last Week

But, if you had any idea what kind of week last week was for me, you wouldn’t be making such a big deal about my missing Valentine’s Day right now.

For that matter, if you knew how I really feel about Valentine’s Day we wouldn’t even be discussing it.   We’d be talking about the dynamic synergies of post-modern banjos instead, because that would be far less controversial.

Yes, I said ‘controversial’.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

Let me ‘splain.

When I was a kid I remember having Valentine’s Day parties at school.  We’d all bring decorated shoeboxes with little cutouts in the tops and set them on our desks. 

At the appointed hour, we’d go around the room dropping our handwritten Valentines in the boxes of our classmates – always reserving the fanciest ones, with all the glitter on them, for our super-not-so-secret crush.  

Then the teacher would pass out the heart-shaped candies, cookies, and cupcakes with red icing on it that wound up on your face, hands, and clothes.  Every.  Time.

It was fun.  Lots of fun.

I carried on this tradition with my children, until it wasn’t a ‘thing’ anymore and just like that one more party in school went ‘pfffffffft’. 

C’est le vie.

We still had Valentines and cupcakes at home.

Then one day about ten years ago, and my kids had long since grown out of Mom’s Valentine’s Day celebration and onto their own,  I happened to be at the store on Valentine’s Day.

I was getting ready to check out in the Express Lane (no more than 15 items, and God help you if you accidentally overlooked that lone lemon in the bottom of your cart which put you firmly at 16 items as the jackass behind you will LOUDLY proclaim), when I noticed a long, long, long line in front of me.

Everyone in the line was male.  Each was holding flowers, candy, and cards…in some combination – many with all three. 

Every one of them looked sad, depressed and anxious….as if they were in line for vasectomies, not simply to pay for the undying expressions of love they held.

That was when it hit me.

Valentine’s Day is one of those Hallmark holidays, made up to make men feel guilty and women entitled. 

From that day on, I told my husband that if he wanted to give me a card or flowers or candy he better NOT do it on February 14th.   Do it on the 13th, the 15th, or even not at all…just take out the garbage without my asking.  That tells me more about how you feel than any pre-packaged, wrapped in hearts and flowers, sentiment just waiting for you to pay more than it’s worth at the local store does.

It’s been freeing, if sometimes awkward when someone asks me what I ‘got’ for Valentine’s Day and I launch into my tirade about how I hate that day – incidentally, they don’t ask how I feel about too many things after that, so it’s a win!win! for me.

And you know what?  My hubby empties the garbage without my asking a lot more nowadays, too.   Now that, my friends, is romantic.

NEVER Again!!

Fabulousness from the Rat Pack – plus one!  Who knew, right?

You Know How There Are Times When You Wish You Hadn’t Overheard Something?

Like a doctor talking to a colleague and asking, “Do you know any good malpractice lawyers?” right before your exam?

Or the mechanic that doesn’t know you’re standing right behind him telling his coworker that “This woman doesn’t know a fan belt from a garter belt.  Beer is on me for the rest of the month!” in reference to your (now overpriced) car repair?

Not that I’ve overheard either of these.

Probably.

But, I did overhear this coming from the plumber working on the tub in the next room at my house on Friday:

“Hmmm”

“Huh..that’s odd”

“Well…that is not good.  That’s not good at all.”

I hear these, and the distinct sounds of ‘cha-ching’ that inevitably follow.  

After what seemed like 47 trips to his truck for ever-larger and menacing-looking tools, it appeared he had fixed the problem.   He tested the new valve, we tested the new valve.

There was much rejoicing as the only tub in the house was now fully functional and I had visions of bubble baths dancing in my head.

He went to “write up a ticket” as hubby and I speculated on the cost.

Hubby: “Probably no more than $200”

Me: “You didn’t hear all his commentary about how ‘odd’ and difficult the job was.”

Hubby: “So, what do you think?”

Me: “$300, easy”

Hubby: “I hope not.”

The plumber came back in the house and announced, “That’s gonna be $190 today.”

Awesome.

But, I’m still leaving if I ever hear my doctor asking about malpractice insurance right before my exam.   I don’t care how cheap the office visit might be.

 

**UPDATED (Before You See It!)**With Sincerest Apologies to Mr. Pratchett

But, I really couldn’t resist…..

From our English-challenged friend, Mr. Wayne:

From: Mr Hilary Wayne [mailto:foffice506@yahoo.cn]
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 7:10 PM
Subject: I AM ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS WHERE ARE YOU? URGENT

 

 

LEEWING TRADING COMPANY LIMITED

GOOD DAY I AM DIPLOMAT MR. HILARY WAYNE.

HOW IS EVERYTHING AND YOUR FAMILY IS NOW OVER A MONTH THAT I HAVE BEEN WITH U.S.A CUSTOMS WHERE I WAS ARRESTED THAT I DO NOT HAVE A DELIVERY CLEARANCE PAPER AT WASHINGTON DC U.S.A BUT I THANK GOD THAT THEY HAVE RELEASED ME TODAY WITH YOUR PACKAGE WORTH THE SUM OF $2.5MILLION U.S.A DORLLARS BUT THEY NEVER KNOW THAT IT CONTENTS LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY.

SO IT IS THIS MORNING THAT THEY RELEASED ME WITH YOUR FUNDS.YOU ADVICE TO RECONFIRM TO ME YOUR DETAILS YOU KNOW I LOST THEM DURING WHEN I WAS DRAGING YOUR PACKAGE WITH SOME IMMIGRATION OFFICER HERE.

AND AGAIN YOU HAVE TO PAY THE SUM OF $105.00 FOR AIR WAY BILL PAPERS THEY SAID THAT IF I DID NOT HAVE IT THAT I WILL NOT ENTER FLIGHT TO YOUR OR TAXI SO SEND THE FEES TO BENIN REPUBLIC WHERE I CAN FROM THEY WILL GET THE AIR WAY BILL ASAP AND FORWARD TO ME HERE AND IT WILL NOT TAKE MORE THAN 4/HRS OR 5/HRS I WILL GET TO YOUR HOME ONCE YOU SEND THE FEES.

HERE IS THE INFORMATION TO SEND IT.

RECEIVERS NAME ……..Ngene Francis.
COUNTRY …….BENIN REPUBLIC .
CITY COTONOU .
AMOUNT $105.00
TXQ HOW LONG.
ANSWER 5 HRS DELIVERY.
SENDERS NAME
MTCN……..

PLEASE CALL MY DIRECTOR DHL DELIVERY COMPANY NOW NAME MR

PETER PALMER // NO +229-99 15 28 45.

 

 

PLEASE IT IS THIS MORNING THAT THEY HAVE RELEASED ME AND I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE ANY MORE LONG HERE AND I WILL DELIVER YOUR FUNDS IN 5 HRS TIME ONCE YOU SEND THE FEES TO THE MAN IN CHARGE.DO THAT FAST SO THAT THEY CAN NOT LOOK OVER THIS PACKAGE TO KNOW THE CONTENTS,

THANKS
DIPLOMATIC AGENT
MR. HILARY WAYNE

EMAILS:hdiplomat@rocketmail.com)

 

And, my reply………..

Dear Sir/Madam/Aircraft:

Being a native of Ankh-Morpork I am unfamiliar with the ‘DORLLAR’ of whence you speak. Is it, perhaps, in any way related to our very own knocker?  Because I have two of those, and while they are not large they are, shall we say, respectable.

Please advise if a pair of knockers would suffice for payment.

Sincerely,

A’Tuin

 It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, I tell ya….

And later that same day, Hilarywayneclintondhlbenin responded…….

Dear mr {redacted}

i receive your email and i want to let you know that is the only thing that delaying is sum of $105 and you have to go ahead and send it right now for air way bill paper i promise you. that is the noly fees you are going to send.

HERE IS THE INFORMATION TO SEND IT.

RECEIVERS NAME …….. NGENE FRANCIS.
COUNTRY …….BENIN REPUBLIC .
CITY COTONOU .
AMOUNT ……..$105.
QUESTION…… HOW LONG.
ANSWER ……5HRS DELIVERY.
SENDERS NAME…….
MTCN……..

To which I responded:

Do people really fall for this?   That makes me sad for the human race.

 Oh, and the Secret Service loves it when I string you idiots along.   I expect they’ll be in touch with you…very soon.

 Hugs,

A’Tuin

I think I may have ended my fun with Mr. Hillarybeninwaynemacaroniandcheese, though.    I’d love to keep playhing, but I just don’t have the time.   I have to go watch paint dry…or something.