Monthly Archives: May 2013

Oh Really, Mr. Spambot?

I got this spam comment on here the other day, and I deleted it because it pissed me off.

And, there’s probably a way to retrieve deleted comments, but damned if I know how.

This post is not about retrieving deleted comments.

It’s about the inability of any blogger to always be on top of her (or his) game.

So Sir Spambot told me he used to come here and read my posts because I was hilarious and uplifting, and now…not so much.

Oh really?

Well, it’s easy to be a critic when that’s all you do.

Which brings me to my next point.

Was this a spammer, or was this an honest opinion?

Doesn’t matter, I deleted it and promptly got all righteous and stuff about how I am such a “brilliant” writer and how dare anyone question my blogging capabilities.

Then I threw up in my mouth a little.

Then I decided I was at least partially right.  At least the part about the difficulties of writing a blog for entertainment purposes.  The rest?  Yeah, not so much.

But, I am honest…or at least I try to be.

Look, whoever you are…if you are a real person…you may have a point.  I maybe don’t always have that edge.  Maybe I’m not all that interesting, maybe I am boring sometimes, but guess what?  This is my little corner of the worldwide web, and if you don’t like it go somewhere else.

Rain plus Dirt equals Mud

The weather in Texas this spring has been….well, strange.

For instance, we’ve actually gotten a good bit of rain.  And it’s not nine-hunnert-elebenty degrees outside, yet.  That heat will come, and someone will remember to shut off the Texas rain…but I think all of Heaven is watching “Dancing With the Stars” or something, because no one has done it yet and it’s almost June.

We had most of the kids and grandkids over for a barbecue in the cloudy, gray, mid-80’s weather last Sunday.  This was after two days of showers and wind and clouds and cool (ish) temps.

The backyard is huge and full of trees and all manner of fun hiding places for little kids to play in.

My only stipulation was that shoes must be removed before coming back inside, as I knew if there was one place where it was muddy then every grandchild would be ankle-deep in it.

And I have (the hated) carpet in the living room, where my back door is located.   Not the best set-up, but I have a very small house and it doesn’t come with a mud room.   Usually, we don’t need one.   A dust room, yes.  But a mud room?  Not so much.

Anyway, all was going according to plan until two of my granddaughters – both of them 5-yr. olds – decided that they both had to pee..right NOW.

In they ran, muddy shoes and all, and left a trail from the door to the hall by the bathroom where I happened to be standing.   I looked down at the black tracks on the tan rug and said,  “Girls! You forgot to take off your shoes!”.

Both girls looked down at their feet, undoubtedly surprised to find shoes attached.

Both girls turned, in unison, and began to retrace their steps back to the door where they promptly removed their shoes.

And by “retrace” I mean run full speed and avoid the original tracks, making new ones.

I laughed till I cried after assuring them that carpet could be cleaned and everything was okay.

I didn’t laugh so much when later that night I spent nearly TWO hours cleaning up the mud from the (hated) carpet.  All the while loudly proclaiming how much easier this would have been if we’d had the flooring I wanted to put down in the first place.

The upside is I think I’ve finally convinced hubby that getting hardwood floors is something we should do sooner rather than later.  And, by “convinced” I mean he’s sick of hearing me bitch about how hard it is to keep the (hated) carpet clean with little kids around all the time, so he’s on the verge of cratering.

I think the final push will come when the next time it happens I make him clean up the mess.

 

And a Little Child Shall Lead Them

I’m a conservative Christian – shocking, I know.

Sometimes, though, when I’m bein’ all growed up over here I forget the simplest of truths about my faith.

Fortunately, Logan is here to remind me.

 

 

Really, kids?

Number 2 on the list of “top searches” that bring you kids to my site, utterly crushing your hopes of ever finding the elusive thing you seek, is this:

“we have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities”

Guess what number one is.

Yep, it’s “juke williams”.

Remember him?

What a guy.

Kids, I hate to have to be the one to break this to you…but…

 

There is no fecking ‘Juke Williams’, no bazillion dollars/dubloons/kittens just waiting for you to come and claim them.  Well, there may be a bazillion kitties, but I fail to see how that would make you rich.  That would make your house smell like a giant litterbox, and the kibble bill would be astronomical.

There is no free iPad/cell phone/rhinestone tiara/lifetime pizza giveaway, either.

Deal with it.

 

Hugs,

awesomesauciness, Crusher of Dreams and;

Dasher of Hopes

 

 

Well We Haven’t Done This in a While

Frankly, all the autocorrects were beginning to look the same…boring.

Until this…………….

architect

And I laughed till I cried.

Then I formed a band.

 

Great Gobs of What the Hell is This?

People – just in case you didn’t believe the stories we all heard, and the movie that was made about, the BLOB.

 

Shit just got real.

 

Doc, Doc, Wha?

The other night I went to a pre-K graduation at a church-sponsored pre-school.

 

I’m looking forward to the day when there’s a cap and gown ceremony for kids who go from bottle to sippy cup, because we just don’t praise these little germ factories enough.  But, that’s another rant for another day.

 

At the graduation, each little white gown and cap festooned 4 or 5-yr. old stands on stage, announces their name and says what they want to be when they grow up.

 

There were the usual aspirations – doctor, fireman, veterinarian, etc.

 

And the usual “cute” ones – fairy, princess, fairy princess, and pop star.

 

And then there was ‘Travis’ who told us all that when he grows up he wants to be……………………a dog.  Personally, I think Travis is brilliant…and right on.

 

Things That Make Me Giggle

Just one thing that makes me giggle uncontrollably is autocorrect.

From my local IT professional last week, I received this text on the day I was expecting him to come to the office to work on some computers.

“won’t be there today…i’m six”

To which I (logically) replied.

“okay, hope you get older soon”

 

And then, over the weekend, from baby girl I get this lovely autocorrect:

“we want the walk mount”

“*wall”

“the tv walk mount”

“UGH! *wall”

“Stupid autocorrect”

“wins everything”

“OMG”

“*everytime”

By the end of this I could not read the screen through the tears.

And, I think I peed my pants a little.

It. Was. Aardvark. Awkward. *dammit* Awesome.

It Was a Great Camping Trip, Except For the Projectile Vomiting

A conversation between me and Baby Girl (BG)

ME: So, how was your camping trip with the family?

BG: Awesome! It was SO much fun!

ME: Cool.

BG: Except for the first night, when MJ projectile vomited everything everywhere and AJ wouldn’t go to sleep and cried all night. But other than that it was great!

(MJ is 5, AJ is 1)

ME: Eww…and on a camping trip, too! So, what did you do with all the stuff she puked on?

BG: Put it in a trash bag and then in the car.

ME: Bet it smelled *great* by the time you got home.

BG: I don’t know, it went right in the trash.  Do you know how disgusting vomit smells? Yeah, try that in an enclosed space like a small tent.  I thought I was going to puke, too.

ME: What caused it?

BG: I dunno.  Coulda been the McNuggets, or maybe the s’mores.   You know how sensitive her tummy is.

ME: Yeah. So what all did you do?

BG:  There were a lot of hiking trails and we found a cave.  It was really beautiful.

ME: Did you get that baby backpack to use?

BG: No, it was like $200.  I wish we had though, because we took the jogging stroller and the trail was full of rocks so hubby had to carry the stroller most of the way and I had to carry AJ.   And she kept crying because she wanted to get down and eat the rocks, dirt, pretty much everything.

ME:  And this was the first night/day?

BG: Yep.  The second night we were FREEEEZING.  It was like 40 degrees, but I swear it felt like 4.  And AJ wouldn’t sleep, and MJ was cold and I was wearing everything I brought and I was still shivering.  So, I didn’t get any sleep.

ME: Sheesh.

BG: But, other than that it was great and on the way home MJ said it was so much fun and we should do it again.

ME: And?

BG: Well, mom, it’s been three years since the last camping trip and now I remember why.  I’m sure, once the trauma fades from memory, we’ll do it again.

ME:  Ha! Ha!

BG: Oh, and did you see the picture I posted on Facebook of the GIGANTIC tarantula in the bathroom?

ME: Uh..no…

I Honestly Don’t Have Anything to Post About

Life’s in a holding pattern.

Winter will not leave Texas, and despite the blazing sun I’m cold.

All. The. Time.

I have a million things I need to do, and zero interest in most of them.

I tried yard work, and jacked-up my already fecked-up-beyond-belief back.

Again.

So, I guess I do have something to post about.  It’s just that I’m posting about whiny stuff.

Alrighty, then.

Move along.

Nothing to see here.