Monthly Archives: July 2013

Placemarker

I realize ‘placemarker’ is two words, but I’m kinda in a hurry.

So, I have posts to write about thinking I was shot, when it was only my car window thingy breaking.

About buying my first Kirby.

About the incredibly crazy young man who took me to the shop in the courtesy van to pick up my car after I realized I’d have to spend money to get it fixed and no one was shooting at me.

But, first…work…sigh….dammit.

I’ll get to all this later this week.

Probably.

Maybe.

I ain’t promising nothin’….

VOLVO!

Seriously, I could not stop laughing at these.

My favorite?  The Volvo one.

Of all the features on these smart phones, the autocorrect has to be the most awesomesauce.

I Haz a Smort, I Does

A large part of my job is technical writing.

I just spent the better part of five minutes working on a procedure re-write that had this line in it:

“If firewater is being used to combat the fire…..”

Before I figured out what was wrong with that statement.

Next up, instructions on how to de-energize a 12KV line.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Captcha This, Drones!

You know these weird little screen shots you get when some site wants you to prove you’re not a robot?

one day my address will be here

Yeah, well am I the only one more-than-a-little worried about the fact that someone is taking random pictures of addresses on homes and businesses?

The first time my address shows up on one of these things I’m going to freak-the-hell-right-out.

Loudly.

Oh My!

Lions….okay, kitty!

Tigers…..

…and Bears!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Scene

Do not beverage while reading this post. You have been warned.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID’S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

I Just Want One of Those Hats.

A coworker is going to Cambridge – the one in England – to attend her sister’s wedding, eat scones, have ‘high’ tea, and do whatever else one does when one is across the pond.

She asked me today what I wanted her to bring me.

Aside from a Tardis, I could only think of one thing she might have a reasonable chance of getting.

ME:  I want one of those tall hats the guards in front of Buckingham Palace wears.

CW:  A what?

ME:  You know those big, black hats they wear?  I have no idea what they are called, but I want one.

CW:  Oh…yeah, I don’t know what they are called either, but I’ll see if any of the shops sell them…

ME: Oh, no…missy.  You don’t understand.  I want you to walk up to one of the guards and ask him to give it to you.  Tell him there’s a crazy woman in the U.S. that might go apeshit on you if you don’t.

CW: *blink, blink*

ME: I’m serious.

CW: I…umm….I’ll see what I can do.

ME: Remember – pics or it didn’t happen!

I’ll be modeling my new hat when she gets back in August.  I’ll post a picture for y’all…or, you know, it didn’t happen.

So…I went researching a bit after this conversation, because I was curious about what those hats are called.

Holy shit, people! Those Brits are serious about their military attire.

And now, I’m conflicted.   I mean, on the one hand…aww….bears!  And, on the other…it’s a moral imperative that I get one of these…immediately, because aww….bears.

I’m Never Putting On My Shoes Again

If Bugsy, the Insane, gets wind of this that is.

catpin

With Six You Get Hummus

I was walking through the grocery store when a man passed me going the opposite direction down the aisle.

He looked out of place, and agitated.

He looked out of place because he was dressed for a Jimmy Buffet concert.

He was agitated because he couldn’t find something.

Enter me.

Parrothead:  You would think the garbanzo beans would be with the beans, right?

Me: Right (smiling)

Parrothead: Well, they’re not.

Me: (clearly he was not capable of finding them on his own, and I was there..so)  They are down this aisle here, by the vegetables.  And they are often called ‘chickpeas’.

Parrothead:  Chickpeas?

Me: Yep, and if you mash them up and add some oil, garlic, and lemon juice you’ve got hummus.

Parrothead: Hummus, huh?

Me: Yep.

Parrothead: Apparently, I need to watch a LOT more cooking shows. (walks away muttering to himself)

Me: (still standing there) And, I guess I watch way too many.

Probably The Worst-Kept Secret in the History of Secrets…

….is that I’m a right-wing conservative Christian, who adores Ronald Reagan.

Do NOT click on this link, unless you are curious about why I am the way that I am.

For those that didn’t click, I admire your restraint.