Monthly Archives: October 2015

It’s Me, Isn’t It?

I recently had cause to question the customer service skills of three separate companies in one week.

I think that’s a new personal best, but I’m not sure since I don’t normally keep track.

Anyway, the first was a pair of earrings I ordered from a site and it was not the only pair of earrings this site offered.  It was, in fact, a pair similar to a couple of others they offered…but waaaaay cuter.

When I received the earrings – clearly not as pictured on the site – my first thought was, “dumbass, you ordered the WRONG thing..again!”  Sigh…it’s not the first time it’s happened to me, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

I checked my order invoice, and sure enough I’d ordered the RIGHT earrings and they’d sent me the WRONG ones.

So, it wasn’t me? I guess?

I contacted customer service, via e-mail, and got an extremely effusive apology from a very perky (I imagined “Tina” as a 20-something college student about to embark on a personal quest to save all the whales, and unicorns, and garden gnomes in the world) “customer experience specialist” (really?) who promised to ship my correct earrings that day.

Me: Thank you, and please issue a return for these and I’ll send them back.

Tina: Already done, it’s attached in this e-mail.  Just print it out and put it on the envelope you got your earrings in and send them back.  Oh, and have a super day!

Me: Oh..okay, will do

And, I did, sending the wrong earrings back.

The VERY next day I received yet another package with what I assumed was the RIGHT earrings.

They were the same WRONG earrings I’d sent back.  I mean, not THE same earrings I’d sent, but another pair of the wrong thing.

Feck.

Me:  Hey, Tina, yeah I got the WRONG EARRINGS again.  Let me ask you, does your inventory match the SKU numbers on the site?  I mean, this isn’t rocket science.

Is it? Is it me? Do I not understand the intricacies of online retail? I wondered.

My cell phone rang about 3 seconds after I sent the e-mail.

“Hello”

“Hi, this is Tina, from (unnamed_retail_outlet)”…Sweet clothespin jeebus, she sounded exactly like I imagined she would… “and, I am SUPER sorry about the mix-up again!! Hold on a minute while I check something, okay?!”

“Okay”

She came back on the line after a minute or so, breathless, “Okay, I’ve got the RIGHT earrings in my hand now. I’m super-sure of it. I’m sending them out today, and you know what? Just keep those others for all your trouble!!”

“Oh..well…umm…thanks?”

The WRONG earrings are hideous people, like really, really ugly…but, they were free, so yay?

I did, in fact get the RIGHT earrings the next day.

I love them.

In episode 2, a popular online retail site for pet food and products screwed up an order for my cat’s special food.

Yes, I buy my cat stupidly expensive food because he’s diabetic and prone to puking if his system gets out of whack. And, you know what? Turns out I don’t like cleaning up cat puke.

I’ve been buying the same, exact-no-changes, food for three years now.  Every month, they send me the stuff and charge my credit card.

Until last month, and the automatic didn’t happen.  It was me, that time, as I’d forgotten to update my credit card after having to get a new one when someone in New York tried to buy $800 worth of parking on my stolen credit card information (high fives to my bank for catching that so quickly!).

When it came time for Bugsy, the Insane to get his food I got an e-mail telling me that my order wasn’t coming because of the payment issue.

I called immediately, explained the mix-up, and gave them the corrected information.

Fido: “So, we’ll just get that added to your account so it doesn’t happen again!!  And we are super-pleased you chose (unnamed_pet_outlet) for all your fur baby’s needs!!”

Me: “Uh..okay..thanks?”

I’m always confused and startled by the exuberance of most customer service people, and wish they’d all go work at the post office or the DMV…like, right now.

This month, I got an e-mail stating with sad puppy eyes that I wasn’t getting Bugsy’s-now-I-won’t-puke food…because my credit card was denied.

Huh?

I looked at the e-mail, it listed the last 4 digits of the card I’d canceled.

The one I’d replaced last month with Fido, over the phone, and he was super excited about it.

I called again, and explained again, about the credit card.  This time, Fido found the old notes and said he’d “definitely get this corrected right away”, and ship Bugsy’s food.

I got the food, but I have to wonder what next month will bring.

Is it me, or is it too much to ask that I give you information and you retain it somewhere?

It’s me, isn’t it?

And, lastly, my first order from another site (can you tell I shop online a LOT?) had two items in it.

I got one.

So, I sent an e-mail to my “bestfriend” @ (unnamed_vintage_site).com   Is it me, or is that presumptuous?

It’s me, isn’t it? I mean, who couldn’t use a BFF in online retail, right? Hello, discounts!

I digress, anyway I was asking about Thing 2, having received Thing 1 that day.

BFF: Wow, that was super fast!! And, typically our orders don’t come all from the same place so they arrive in different packages.  But, we know you’ll be super happy with it!

Me: Oh, okay. I was in no rush. It’s my first time ordering from you, so I was just wondering. I do love Thing 1, though.

BFF: We’re super happy about that!! Thank you!!

Me: …

I didn’t answer back. I was super tired from reading.

Is it me, or are these exchanges just a tad over-wrought with faked sentiment and the overuse of the word “super”?

It’s me, isn’t it?

Isn’t it? I’d be super happy if you agree!!!

Halloween

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who love ALL THE HALLOWEEN THINGS, and those who listen to One Direction.

I’m of the former.

This year All Hallows E’en falls on a Saturday.  This is like being told you just won the lottery and your check will be delivered by a half-naked Jensen Ackels.

Preparations for this year’s festivities have been going on in the family for weeks.  Make-up effects have been tested, costumes have been purchased, tried on, altered, and provided the correct accoutrement – be it badassery or cute – to enhance the experience.

I usually dress as either a witch or vampiress.  The makeup is the same for both, as is the hair, just the dress changes and the hat. What’s a witch without a hat, I ask you?

This year, in his grandfather-ly exuberance, the hubby has told ALL THE KIDS that we will attend their festivities.  These kids do not all live together in a big commune.  They’re separated by miles and miles.

Sometimes, he doesn’t think things through.

So, I’m forgoing a costume this year, given the fact that I’ll be in and out of cars and houses and running up and down streets with mass quantities of urchins following me.

Except, I have a Black Widow t-shirt so if I can find my black sweat pants I’ll be going as Natasha Romanoff, post workout.  I’ll even pull my hair back, add a bandana and scrub the make up off. I may even add my weighlifting gloves just so it looks legit. If I can find them.  Not that I don’t weighlift, I’m just so much a badass I don’t wear gloves, bitches.

And WordPress insists that Halloween, accoutrements, Ackels, and badassery are all a) not words and b) incorrectly spelled not-words.

I’ll give them all the above, so long as I can keep the Ackels.  Eff you WordPress, he’s mine.

In Which I Am Unprepared

I pride myself on always being prepared for pretty much every scenario.

Lock yourself out of the house? I’ve got keys hidden all over the place. Same thing for my office building. Keys. Everywhere.

Rip your breeches or lose a button?  I carry a mini-sewing kit.

Earache? I have drops for that.

Nausea? Intestinal distress? Headache?  Got, have, and got.

My purse is a veritable Mary Poppins replica.

But, what happened to the lawyer last week….well, let’s just say that nothing in my purse could have helped.

I work in a really beautiful setting. My office building sits on the edge of a lake, the parking lot being the only thing between me and the water.

Last week we had a team of auditors, and attorneys, come visit us to check out our environmental programs and permits.  It’s all part of the game when you generate power.

The littlest of the attorneys was all of five foot tall, but her three inch heels made her seem much bigger.  That and her incredibly fast mode of speech. I swear, in all my life, I’ve never, ever heard anyone say so much so fast.  And I understood every word.  Once she was done, it was all I could do not to stand up and applaud.  She was impressive.

During a break she got a phone call and headed outside to – I presume – have some privacy.

She walked to the parking lot, and towards the steep incline heading down to the lake.

You know that feeling you get when something really awful is about to happen, and you’re watching it, and you are powerless to do anything about it?

She was animatedly chatting a mile-a-minute on the phone and aimlessly wandering closer and closer to the water.

Then, the inevitable happened.

Her heel caught in the grass and she went Pradas over Marc Jacobs suit, tumbling down the hill.

I really wanted to laugh, but I was truly concerned she’d not stop before the water, so I ran towards her instead.

About the time I reached the top of the hill, I looked down and she had righted herself, stood up, and was still talking on the phone.

That woman, right there, is a badass.  I’m glad she’s on our side.