Monthly Archives: April 2016

Is Your Life Too Hard?

Well? Is it?

Is it YOUR fault?

Tim Hoch, at Thought Catalog, thinks it just might be.

And, in many ways he’s right.

What say you?

What Fresh Hell is This?

I may have mentioned a time or elebenty hunnert that I live with an enormous amount of daily physical pain.

I’m beginning to think I may actually be a reincarnation of the goddess Odyne. Which reminds me, why can’t I be like Athena or even Artemis?  I’d like to be able to say I possess badassery or indescribable beauty because I’m a descendant of the goddesses of both, but nooooooooooooooo I have to be Odyne, the goddess of pain.  Oh well, at least I’m a goddess, even if I don’t rate more than a mere mention in mythology and lack a Wiki page of my own.

Is there a goddess of sleight?  Because I’m pretty sure Odyne has a valid grievance here, and I’d like to talk to someone about that.

And, I have gotten waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off track.

See, that’s what pain will do to your brain.

So, the sources of my pain are numerous and boring – eight ruptured discs, spinal stenosis, fibromyalgia, arthritis, blah, blah, blah…

Most of the time a liberal application of heat, and the liberal downing of pain medications I take, keep me upright, mobile, and not feeling all stabbity to the world.

This week, though, it’s been different.  And by “different” I don’t mean ‘oh joy and happiness, I don’t feel like I’ve been run over by a truck!’  I mean it’s been ‘holyfeckballsoffirebreathingdragons, what.the.feck. is going on?’

My sciatic nerve, heretofore a quiet little dude that I gave nary a thought to, is pissed.

Royally, royally, pissed.

He’s decided to show me how pissed he is by setting my right leg on fire, while simultaneously stabbing me from ass to heel with a hot poker.

This is going on all. the. time.

It’s actually a breathtaking kind of pain.  As in, I gasp with each wave of pain, am nauseated most of the time from it, and cannot focus on what anyone is saying to me until the wave subsides and I wait anxiously for the next.

Even upping the pain meds is not dulling it much.  And they are strong motherfeckers, let me tell you.   Sciatic-Bob (yes, I named him) is stronger.

I know the inflammation will pass, and I really wish I could take anti-inflammatories but they make me pukey, I just wish it would pass sooner rather than later.

This gettin’ old shit? Ain’t for wimps.

Drunk’s More Fun

Or so I’ve heard, not that I personally have any knowledge of what “drunk” feels like, or even how to spell the word, or that I’ve ever known anyone who got drunk.

Probably.

But, what is not fun is waking up, getting out of bed, and immediately falling down to your knees.

That.  That is not fun. That is painful.

It’s also quite startling for the dog lying beside the bed.

But, it’s what happens when you wake up, stand up, and are suddenly more dizzy than anyone has ever been since the beginning of humanity.  And, it’s what happened to me this morning.

The dizziness subsided a bit after I was up a while, but then driving to work I noticed my head was tilted to one side and it was difficult to keep it ‘tween the lines.  Good thing I drive a tank, and good luck to everyone around me.

As I sit here, typing at my desk, I feel like I’m on a perpetual roller coaster…or drunk…with much less funnage (it’s a word, now) than I imagine either activity creates.

No, I don’t know what’s wrong, but because OLD I suspect either I’ve got some inner ear fluid thing going on or my rocks ‘er off.    And, by “rocks” I mean the inner ear bones that keep the world from going all funhouse (no, that is an effin’ word Mr. SquigglyLine) on me have gotten out of alignment.

It happens, as I said, because OLD.  As we age those bones wear down and move out of alignment.  When that happens, BAM! drunken old person syndrome (DROPS) ensues.  If you do happen to get drunk, you can just tell everyone you have DROPS and because you’re old they will believe you and probably offer to buy you a ham sammich or something.

I just hope the nausea that usually comes with dizziness didn’t come with this funpack, and I hope this shit clears up soon.

Like I said, it’s no fun.  And, yes, if it persists or gets even weirder I’ll go see the doc.  Another not fun activity I try to avoid.

I Heart You Auto-Correct

The other day my son was texting me, gushing on and on about how I’ve helped him recently.

He’s been unemployed for 345 years, and I’ve helped with food, gas, and some minor bills along the way.

He kept telling me what a blessing I was.

It really was sweet.

Then he said he wanted to get in a position to “pay you back…” some day.

Honestly, if he’s been out of work for 345 years already what do you think the chances are that he’ll get a job between now and the revival of “Firefly”? (are you even listening Netflix??)

Yeah, me too.

Anyway, I quickly responded to his text whilst simultaneously doing some work-related task…probably curing cancer, just kidding, when I sent him what I thought was this:

“Don’t worry about it, I want you to just pay it forward some day.”

But actually was this, because Siri knows me all too well:

“Don’t worry about it, I want you to just pay for war some day.”

Because we are all about letting slip the dogs all up in hee-uhh, he didn’t miss a beat when he responded with:

“You bet I will, if the opportunity ever presents itself. BANZAI!”

Boom. (and no, we aren’t Japanese, at least I don’t think we are, but who says only the Japanese warriors can shout “BANZAI”?)

And Uh-One, And Uh-Two…

I love music.

No, I mean I really, really love music.

I have two genres that are tops on my list.

#1 – Blues and Swing; from Billie Holiday to Voodoo Daddy

#2 – Celtic; from the Celtic Women to..well, everyone else, it’s not a large pool here in the States

Numbers three through elebenty-hunnert include gospel, classic rock, Rat Pack, and country.

The other day, as I was shopping, I was listening to Pandora radio on my headset.  I have one station called “Thumbprint”.  It’s fairly new (to me), but I’m sure you kids have seen it.  It takes music you’ve “thumbed up” and lumps it all together in one station.

(An aside, you young’uns don’t remember but back in the day radio stations were mostly AM and most of them played a wide variety of music.  It wasn’t until electricity came along, and FM was born, that specific stations with specific music were created.)

I was getting my groceries to the crooning voices of Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra, and tapping my feet to the huge sounds of Voodoo Daddy and Brian Setzer.

I was in the produce aisle when a beautiful hymn called “Down To The River to Pray”, sung by the incomparable Alison Krauss, came on and I stopped and closed my eyes for a second.

Then I started to sing.

You know how when you have headphones on you think you’re being really quiet when, in fact, you’re being exceedingly loud and everyone around you notices only you don’t because you’re so caught up in the moment and sure at any second someone from a major label is going to spring up from the fruit display and offer you a million dollar contract on the spot because you’re the most amazing singer since singing was invented and angels weep every time you use those pipes?

Well, let me tell you, it’s every bit as interesting as finding out you left the house without pants again.  Except with fewer recording contracts.

Totally busted while belting out a song in the middle of the produce aisle?  Can check that one off my bucket list.

 

Sirius, Circa 1410..

roman firefighter

.…uh, Ceasar, this is Imperator Gaius Doofus and I’m lost…

I know the battle is in three days, that’s why I’m calling now!

Yes, yes, I did ask Sirius to find “Germania” , but apparently she doesn’t speak Latin.

Wait, let me get a stilus and tablet to write this down.

Okay, go north from Rome…turn right at…..

Guys, I Need Your HALP!!

I have a connudd, a conand, uh…I have a problem.

There’s this super-annoying coirker of mine that’s super. annoying.all.the.time.

She’s actually at a site miles from here, but in the power industry we’re all just one big dysfunctional family.

Anyway, she sent out a mass e-mail and from what I can gather she wants all the other secretaries, excuse me, “administrative support professionals” in the region to join her in a hand-holding session when things get “too stressful” for us.

A little background here – I work at a power plant.  We make electricity here – not nuclear generated or coal fueled; we use natural gas, so y’all just simmer down out there – and yes, there are times of high stress…like mainly Monday-Friday, but only during work hours.

The rest of the time is an alcohol-induced haze, so it may be stressful, or it may not. Hard to tell.  I’m kidding. Maybe.

So, Miss Annoying McAnnoyerson thinks we should “reach out” to one another, via e-mail, for stress relief.

She wants us to share “a funny picture” or an “inspirational quote” with each other as a means of support.

My gag reflex is on overload right now, guys.

I am a girl, no doubt about it, but I’m not a guurrrllll.  Apparently, I did not get that gene.

I loathe shopping, mani-pedis, lunching with the ladies, girls nights out, talking on the phone, and inspirational quotes/cutesy picture e-mails.

Which brings me to my original problem.

How do I tell her that not only do I NOT want to be part of her all-girl band, I don’t want to see anyone else’s “inspiration”, nor be a part of the stress-relief program?

No, really, how do I do that without coming off as a total beeyotch, which let’s face it I really am and she should know that by now?

HAAALLP!!!