That’s A Big Hole

When a larger-than-life character departs from this world it leaves a big hole.  A ginormous, gaping wound of a hole if that person is someone you love-despised.

That someone, for me, was my mother.

She died on April 25th, 2016.

I just typed that my mother died and I still can’t wrap my head around it. Granted, she was not young nor in the best of health, but her death was very sudden (heart) and unexpected.  I mean, six hours before she left us I was talking to her and her last words to me were “I love you, baby”.  She was in the hospital, having been admitted that morning with chest pains, and we were still awaiting test results.  The EKG was normal and all they’d found so far was she was dehydrated.  Then they found her on the floor, unresponsive, and with no clear code status in place (no idea why, but that got missed on the admission questions to my nurse-sister) they resuscitated her for AN HOUR.  By then, the mom we knew was gone.  It just took another 24 hours for her body to catch up.

She was exasperating, exhausting, funny, mean, smart, vulnerable, beautiful and flawed.

And I loved her awful…and sometimes did a terrible job of that, but she knew and I knew in the way only mothers and daughters can know.  It’s that tie that binds, for good or bad.

R.I.P. Mom, and give ’em Hell up there.  Lord knows you are capable.

donna johnson 1968

Posted on May 9, 2016, in In All Seriousness, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. I’m so sorry about your mother. I have told mine many times she isn’t allowed to die. I plan on holding her to that.

  2. That is an enormous hole, and right now, it’s so much bigger than you could have imagined, and you’re probably hoping someone will offer to fill it in for you (because you don’t have the strength to try to fill it, believe me).

    We never “celebrated” Mother’s Day or Father’s Day growing up. I’m not sure why one parent didn’t MAKE us make a big deal of it for the other parent, so I guess, once we got out of school, it became just another “Hallmark Holiday” like Valentine’s Day. IMO, they all kind of suck, as holidays go. If you can’t manage to be sweet and kind year-round (given momentary lapses, like “bad days” that will happen because everyone is HUMAN), then you can’t make up for a year’s worth of “mistreatment” with one day of candy, flowers, a card, or a lunch date.

    My Mommy died ten years ago this year, in a car accident. The only one of us who got to say good-bye was my baby brother, her only son, with whom she had spent the night before. Not that he said good-bye forever to her; it was a day later that any of us knew what had happened!

    So I had a Digital Detox Weekend, that just happened to coincide with a non-holiday I don’t celebrate. It was nice to come back to Facebook and discover I had “missed” all the posts. I’m very VERY sorry for your loss, and for the timing of it. I’m here for you if you need anyone to talk with/chat to/yell at while you grieve. The hole DOES get smaller, over time. It will never be completely filled, but it does seem to fill, slowly, over time. This year is going to suck. Reach out if you need to, okay?

    • I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day either….Hallmark bullshit, IMO.

      As for Mother’s/Father’s Day, yeah we always did something and my kids always did something, and now my grandkids write me sloppily-drawn and heartfelt cards that make me weep, but then my relationship with my kids is good and always has been. Not so with my mother. She was difficult to say the least.

      I’m so sorry for your loss…the ones we don’t expect are the ones that keep us awake at night or catch us in moments of quiet reflection thinking…”I should have….” It’s when we can stop looking back at the might have beens that we can begin to heal.

      What totally sucks with Mom is that she left us a fuckton of shit to get through – financial and legal – so it’s like a constant weight pushing down on me. I woke last night in a panic, and I DON’T PANIC, but there it was. I managed to figure out how to calm down and felt better.

      I appreciate the offer, too…it’s extraordinary given that we only know each other here…that you’d be so gracious. I am truly touched, my dear.

      • Yeah, we had to go through the fuckton of bullshit with Grandpa’s death. With Mommy, we had to make a family decision whether to press charges against her killer (it was an accident, yes, but the distracted driver Did Kill Her). We all came to the conclusion that a protracted lawsuit would not bring Mommy back or alleviate any of our grief, so we let the state deal with the legalities of what happened.

        I’m glad you found a way to self-calm, considering you couldn’t actually reach out to any of us here. Also, didn’t know that you’re now officially an orphan, so you have already been through all the awfulness of grief with your father. I’m the one member of my family who has always found the silver linings in Mommy’s death, and ten years is a “good” long time, but I still have Daddy. When he goes, that’s going to be MY enormous hole.

        Whatever. I AM here for you and all your awesomesauciness. Take care of yourself.

  3. So sad to hear about your Mom. I know someday I have to face that. I did with my Dad 2 years ago, it was hard for me, we had a wonderful relationship. I will keep you in my prayers. They say time heels all wounds,but, I think in some ways its just as hard.Take care friend, keep your memory box alive.

  4. I have been where you are at. My mom passed away about 5 years ago. I loved her and I know she loved me…with that being said we didn’t have a sugary sweet mother/daughter “thing”. I always knew she had a favorite (and it wasn’t me). She didn’t have to ever say it out loud with words, it showed in actions…and it’s ok…I’m ok. She was a difficult person to live with and deal with. The last several years of her life she suffered from a type of dementia. She lived in TN and I live in CA and I visited her in the nursing home several times a year. We also had a phone installed in her room and I called her almost every morning and would talk about whatever was going to happen in my day or with my kids/grandkids. I don’t really know where I was going with this except to say I understand where you are coming from…love-despise-miss-grieve-etc…gentle hugs…

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