Category Archives: Posts

And This All Happened Before All The Other Stuff That’s Happened Since…

It was Christmas Eve, the day my family celebrates Christmas, because the next day is the day the other side(s) of the families celebrate Christmas..and it sounds more complicated than it is.

Maybe.

Anyway, oldest son is divorced and since he has two little ones to get ready and out the door he’s often late to family gatherings. 

So, we weren’t concerned when the appointed hour for his arrival came and went.

Then, my phone rang.

“Mom? I can’t believe it, and it’s cold and I have my babies!” He was nearly hysterical on the other end of the phone.

“What happened?”

“I’m…I don’t know where we are…oh there’s a sign!”

“What happened?” I said, louder this time.

“On the toll road.  The car! Oh my God, I can’t believe this!”

At this point, I’m thinking he’s had a horrible accident and possibly a head injury.

“Are the kids okay?”

“Yes, I guess…I mean..it’s cold.”

“Did you get hit?”

“What?”

“Did.You.Get.Hit??”

“Oh…no..no…nothing like that.  The car’s engine just blew up.”

Oh…yeah, no problems there…riiiiiiiight.

“Oh..are you in the middle of the road?”

“No, I got it off the highway and am here in front of {location}…and I need a tow, and I have NO MONEY!” 

Of course he has no money, none of my grown children ever seem to have money for these things.

“Don’t worry about that.  I’ll pay for a tow.”

“I can’t pay you back, I lost my job.”

“What? You’ve worked there five years! When did this happen?”

“Mom, not right now.  It’s cold. I need to talk to brother and have him come get me.”

“Okay…we’ll talk when you get here.”

I hand the phone to his brother and in a few minutes he leaves to pick up everyone and bring them back to my house.

I called the tow company and arranged for a tow to the closest shop of the car.  I thought it was my son’s car, but it was actually my ex-daughter-in-law’s, because son’s car blew a tranny and he couldn’t afford to fix it.  But, I said I’d pay for it and I did.

Guess how much a 10-mile tow costs.

Guess how much it costs on Christmas Eve. 

Sigh….

In the end, son and grandkids made it to my house and the use of a loaner car his sister has was secured.  My pockets were a little lighter, but my heart was happy to see how my kids look out for one another as all manner of “Whatever you need…” was repeated over and over that night.  Son was totally shocked at the outpouring, and I (gently) admonished him for not believing we’d be there for him. 

He teared up and hugged me tight…”I love you, Mom” was whispered in my ear.

Best.Present.Ever.

FIRE!!!!!! WHA – ????

It’s 3:00 a.m., and the doorbell rings.

It rings again, and as hubby sleepily asks “Who’s at the door at this time of night?”, you realize it’s your phone’s ringtone you’re hearing and you tell hubby – “No one, silly, but baby girl is calling.”

By this time, you’ve missed the call so you drag your still half-sleeping arse out of bed and hit redial.

“Mom, are fireplaces supposed to be 24 hours?”

And as your brain goes from sleepy haze to adrenalin rushed you realize….

…you, my friend, have entered…the Panic Zone…duh..dun…DUNNNNNNNNN!

“WHA-?”

“I’m here and the place is dark and no cars are in the parking lot.”

Oh, fire station…fire station…she meant fire station….sigh, okay heart slow down their house is not on fire….

“Umm…yeah, pretty sure it’s a 24/7 operation at a fire station, honey.”

“Yeah, well NO ONE is here!”

“Wait…why are you there?”

“The baby…she’s sick and having trouble breathing and I want them to check her vitals and her pulse ox and make sure she’s okay and I don’t need to go to the ER with her.”

“Oh…well…..wait, in Smallville isn’t the fire department volunteer?”

“I don’t know, maybe.  But I left Smallville and am now in the parking lot of Muchlargerville’s main fireplace and there’s still no one around.”

“Well, they are on 24 hr shifts so maybe they’re asleep.  Did you check through the bay doors for lights on?”

“Yeah, there’s nothing.”

“Okay, well call the non-emergency dispatch number for Muchlargerville and tell them…”

“The what?” 

“Non-emergency dispatch number for police and fire.  Every town has one.”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s stupid.  You know what? I’m just gonna go back home.”

I could tell baby girl was exhausted and frustrated by this time.

“Okay, but is the baby breathing alright?”

“Well, she’s not blue or anything.  She’s just laboring.”

“Maybe you should – “

“Mom, that’s hubby on the other line.  I’ll call you back.”

That was five hours ago.

No more sleep for Mom, no more sleep for Dad.  No word on the baby, yet.

Oh look, there’s gray hair #2,365.

My New Battle Cry!

From one of the funniest wastes of time on the Web comes my new battle cry:

LOBSTER - AUTOCORRECT

Not to mention the fact that I nearly wet my britches laughing at the text, but no matter. 

Fear me, for I shall lobster ALL the fetish!!!

 

I’ll Admit It, This Terrifies and Fascinates Me

In the strange land of “reality” television lives a program called  “Finding Bigfoot”.   I have always had a fascination with the Yeti, Bigfoot, Sasquatch, or whatever you call it regionally, and distinctly remember watching the grainy footage from the late 1960’s over and over as a teenager.

Imagine my delight when flipping through the 586 channels on my cable box one day I found an entire hour devoted to nothing but the search for Bigfoot.  I watched the person who was soon to become my favorite – Bobo – trying to re-enact the stance and walk of a ‘squatch someone had seen somewhere in the woods of Northern Maine, and even though the too-skeptical Ranae and the too not-skeptical Matt get on my nerves from time to time, I am hooked and watch the show whenever I remember it’s on.   And, if I miss it it’s replayed like elebenty-billion times throughout the week, so I usually catch it at some point.

Now, comes an actual scientific study that may prove the existence of the ‘Squatch.  I’ll admit that hearing the DNA results both scared and fascinated me.  

I still would like to meet Bigfoot….maybe we could swap venison recipes….right after I recover from the heart attack.

Home, Home, Home…

As I walked in the fast-food place, the elderly couple and their elderly lady friend were coming out.

Lady 1: I’m so ready to go home.

Lady 2: Me, too! I’m going to go home and take my shoes off and put my feet up…

Gentleman:  That’s a good idea. I’m going hom-

Lady 2: (evidently the wife) No, you’re not.  You are going to The Home Depot and get that light bulb.

Gentleman: No, I’m not. I’m going to The Home Depot…to The Home Depot…lightbulb..

And, he smiled brightly as he realized that he’d just been told to go to the gigantic toy store for men.

They were soooooooooooooo cute.

From the Depths…

If you’re a conservative, like me, then this week has been a bummer…to say the least.

But, I’m a helper.

So, to that end I present Tugger.

You’re welcome, and cheer up…it’s only four years. 

We can survive, right?

Right?

Please tell me we can survive it.

*sniffle*

*sob*

Sam’s Just A Good Guy, Ya Know?

I just love it when I don’t have to think of something clever to write about………..from my e-mail, I bring you…….

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Pet Care Credit America, (PCCA)

5425 Wisconsin Avenue

Suite 600, PM 614

Chevy Chase, Maryland 20815

 

Attention,

 

The Pet Care Credit (PCCA) was established in year 2000 as a non-profit organization to financially assist great pet owners and rescue organizations with veterinary medical costs in times of crisis. Our board members are a dedicated group of great pet owners and fanciers with extensive backgrounds in the breed. We are committed to providing funding resources for pets that are in dire need of medical attention and whose owner/rescuer finds they are unable to cover the basic costs of veterinary care.

 

We have received tremendous donations from our Rich Pets Owners nationwide; the organization also began rewarding the pets via the Cash Relay Program. Through these two programs are to proudly help our pet owners re-unite, more than $50,000 was received from our rich pet owners to reward 100 Pets Owners.

 

Pets Care Credit America is building a nationwide network of animal and pet advocates through the use of the PCCA, the Facebook page, and other private efforts both online and offline to continue building our community and reuniting pets with their owners across the country. We are pleased to inform you today 25th Sept, 2012, you have been selected among the lucky members to receive our cash reward for your pets. We have pledge the sum of $1000.00 as gratitude to your pet. We are happy with pet lovers and we will like to send our support to you in form of a cashier check, please advise us on the name and address where we can send this reward to you. Also, this reward must be used as expenses for your pet only.

 

Your support allows us to grow and build our network as well as increase awareness and our capacity to help. Please use the form below to receive a reward payable via Money Order/cashier check to lost dog founder and be sure to share our site with others.

 

•Name on Check:

• Address:

•City:

•State:

•Zip Code:

•D.O.B:

•Home Phone:

•Cell Phone:

•Email:

•Gift Amount $1000

 

May we thank you publicly in our blog

 

Sincerely,

Sam Duncan

President, PCCA

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Awww…isn’t that thoughtful of ol’ Sam here?  Of course, this is just another scam in a looooooong line of scams, and you know what that means, right?

 

It’s time for “Fun With Scammers!”

 

Of course I checked out their Facebook page mentioned in the e-mail.  They don’t have one.

 

Shocking, I know.

 

Then, it was time to craft a reply:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sam,

I am so deeply touched and honored by your gratitude for my devotion to my pet rock.

Coincidentally, rock’s name is “Rock”.  I toyed with using the name “Boulder” or “Granite”, you know something to boost his ego, but since he didn’t seem to have a preference I selected “Rock”, because I secretly suspect he’s a big Rock Hudson fan.

Whenever a movie starring Rock Hudson comes on the television, Rock sits very still the whole time.  I’d say that’s a pretty good indication he’s a fan, wouldn’t you?

Rock is also the best listener I’ve ever met. I can talk to him for hours, and I know he will listen intently, never interrupt me, and always be a solid buddy I can truly lean on.

I have several pictures of Rock, but if I send you one I know I’ll want to send them all, and you’re probably a very busy man who doesn’t have time to look at pictures of pet rocks all day.

If you do want a picture, though, just let me know.

There is only one thing about Rock that is slightly disturbing, and really I think it’s the reason most people don’t go for the pet rock thing. He’s a cannibal.

He eats pebbles, there I said it.  He’s also been known to eat gravel, and when I can’t afford anything else he eats sand.  He loves to nibble on sand, and I often give it to him as a treat when money is plentiful and the gravel and pebbles flow like wine..really clunky wine, but you get the idea.

Your $1,000 will go towards purchasing the finest river rock pebbles money can buy.  Rock really loves the smooth ones that are sold for decorative purposes. 

One more thing Rock loves is taking trips.  He sits on the dashboard of my car and never moves.  He’s truly an excellent traveler, so I think I may use some of the money to treat him to a long-awaited vacation on the beaches of Florida.  There, he can graze on the sand and soak up the ocean…literally. 

I cannot tell you how much this gift means to me and when I told Rock I believe he vibrated with excitement!

Or maybe we hit a pothole – we were in the car at the time – either way, I could tell how very excited he was.

Below is all my contact information, please forward my money order as soon as possible.  Now that I’ve told Rock about this honor, I don’t want to disappoint him.

Sincerely,

Natasha Bzychiewkski

2784569 Cellblock C

Leavenworth, KS 56890

01/01/75

No home phone

888-555-1212 – cell

anywho@yahoo.com

p.s. I tried to ‘like’ your Facebook page, but was unable to locate.  I think Rock’s been playing on my computer while I’m at work – he’s clever like that – and may have done something to the Facebook-thingy.  Whatever, I’ll figure it out, but you may thank me on your blog publicly so long as you mention Rock, too.

p.p.s. Are you sure you don’t want a picture of Rock for your blog?

Quick, Take a Guess!!

On what this is:

…oooooh…pretty….

And then tell me in the comments what you think it is……extra credit for, ahem, *creativity*.

I’ll tell you what it is on Monday.

No, you don’t win anything for this.

I mean, yes..yes you do.

You win the Internets!

Good luck with that.

Here Goes Nothing!

Last week, I took a poll to see if you people thought I should write a book.

According to the poll, I’ll sell at least ten copies if I can get this thing written and find a publisher interested in it.

No, I will NOT self-publish.

Yes, I’m a snobbish bitchy-writer who refuses to even consider vanity publishing.

I’ll keep you semi-posted, because I’m finding the task not so much daunting as painful.

I write a line, grab a tissue, wipe the tears and proceed.

I do this over and over.

I’m running out of tissues.

Thank you, really..no, really, thank you for believing I can do this. 

I’ll mention all of you on my dedication page.  You’ll know I mean you, because it’ll say “To all of You”.

So, here goes nothing and if my posts here are sporadic, remember you only have yourselves to blame….or thank.

Some Days the Funny Isn’t

As a writer, specifically a humor blog writer, I look for the funny in the mundane.

I often find the mundane in the mundane.

I also often find people I’m observing observing me to see why I’m observing them.

I haz a stalker’s heart.

Apparently.

Which is to say that nothing funny happened today, but there was plenty of mundane, so here take a look at a puffer fish that looks like a puppy, if you close one eye and have a realllllly good imagination.

RIGHT HERE THERE SHOULD BE A PICTURE OF A PUFFER FISH, BUT WORDPRESS IS NOT LETTING ME UPLOAD IT. NO, I DON’T KNOW WHY. YES, I DID MAKE SURE IT WAS A .GIF OR .JPEG OR A .TIF. WORDPRESS JUST HATES MY PUFFER FISH PHOTO, THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

 

So, let’s try this.  Here’s a child-artist’s rendering of a puffer fish that looks like a puppy named Nemo.

 

 

 

And now, I’ve made the mundane into a mini-rant on the difficulties of uploading pictures of puffer fish.

This shit writes itself sometimes.