Blog Archives

Placemarker

I realize ‘placemarker’ is two words, but I’m kinda in a hurry.

So, I have posts to write about thinking I was shot, when it was only my car window thingy breaking.

About buying my first Kirby.

About the incredibly crazy young man who took me to the shop in the courtesy van to pick up my car after I realized I’d have to spend money to get it fixed and no one was shooting at me.

But, first…work…sigh….dammit.

I’ll get to all this later this week.

Probably.

Maybe.

I ain’t promising nothin’….

VOLVO!

Seriously, I could not stop laughing at these.

My favorite?  The Volvo one.

Of all the features on these smart phones, the autocorrect has to be the most awesomesauce.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Scene

Do not beverage while reading this post. You have been warned.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID’S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

I Just Want One of Those Hats.

A coworker is going to Cambridge – the one in England – to attend her sister’s wedding, eat scones, have ‘high’ tea, and do whatever else one does when one is across the pond.

She asked me today what I wanted her to bring me.

Aside from a Tardis, I could only think of one thing she might have a reasonable chance of getting.

ME:  I want one of those tall hats the guards in front of Buckingham Palace wears.

CW:  A what?

ME:  You know those big, black hats they wear?  I have no idea what they are called, but I want one.

CW:  Oh…yeah, I don’t know what they are called either, but I’ll see if any of the shops sell them…

ME: Oh, no…missy.  You don’t understand.  I want you to walk up to one of the guards and ask him to give it to you.  Tell him there’s a crazy woman in the U.S. that might go apeshit on you if you don’t.

CW: *blink, blink*

ME: I’m serious.

CW: I…umm….I’ll see what I can do.

ME: Remember – pics or it didn’t happen!

I’ll be modeling my new hat when she gets back in August.  I’ll post a picture for y’all…or, you know, it didn’t happen.

So…I went researching a bit after this conversation, because I was curious about what those hats are called.

Holy shit, people! Those Brits are serious about their military attire.

And now, I’m conflicted.   I mean, on the one hand…aww….bears!  And, on the other…it’s a moral imperative that I get one of these…immediately, because aww….bears.

I Can’t Be the Only One Who Does This

From my all-time favorite comic couple:

ch130611

Yep, this is how I tell a joke.   This is also why I don’t get asked to many parties.  Well, this and the fact that I tend to attack the buffet table like a squirrel in the fall.

I Don’t Think This is What Tchaikovsky Had in Mind

 

kids autocorrect

I could be wrong, though.

Church Wars

This is pure awesomeness.

church9

This Happens At Least Once a Week, Probably More

My mother calls me, and this is how it goes…

MOM: Hi there, honey, just wanted to let you know I’ve changed my e-mail address and it’s   thisisthe456thchange@yeehaw.com

ME: Again?  You just changed it.

MOM: I know, but AOL was pissing me off.

ME: You had Yahoo! mail, Mom.

MOM: Then Yahoo! was pissing me off.

ME: Okay.

MOM: And I need your cell phone number again.

*she’s just called me on my cell*

ME: Wha? You called me on my cell.

MOM: Yes, but I don’t know what the number is.

ME: I…wha…um….okay. (at this point, there’s no logic I can use to make her understand “Contacts”, so I just go along with it) I’ll e-mail it to you.

MOM: And while you are at it, can you send me all the kids’ e-mails too?  I lost the list when I changed e-mails.

ME: Okay, but I also mailed you a typed copy.

MOM: Yeah, I don’t know what I did with it.

*headdesk*

ME: Okay.

I send her the information she asked for and another week goes by…….

My cell phone rings.

MOM: Hi honey, just wanted to let you know that AOL was pissing me off, so I have a new e-mail account.

ME: *blink*

MOM: …and I’m going to need your cell number, and everyone’s e-mail address again.

ME: *unscrewing the flask and taking a giant swig*  Okay, Mom (I say way too brightly)

And another week goes by, and my cell rings again.

MOM: Hi honey, Yahoo! was screwing up my e-mails so I changed accounts…..

ME: *unscrewing the lid to the convenient economy-sized bottle of Xanax* Imagine that………

Wall O’ Text

Immajust going to leave this here, since I found it in my Inbox and don’t quite know what to make of it.

“room for rent with utilities includedight and sunny apartment for rentoversized and new family home great income pot live rent free inwood wash hts” lcd p isymphony hdtvmonitor gilbert,phoenix,http:phoenixcraigslistorgevlelehtml,, :: PM”got a tech? all boroughsand new pool tables central flaartist’s retreat dramatic penthouse in historic schoolhouse parking charlestowngreat bedroom bath gymindoor basketball court saugusfree recycling of the following pdx metro sw washgorgeous sq ft home in country club lexington nc heating cooling repair west valleyaffordable painting services low prices great service off paint all areasweekly rates from furnished studio – free utilities cable tv fairfield vacavillepool home with beds and baths fort myers beachluxury bedroom bath w fireplace north bethesda mapsublease master bedroom no deposit nw th st and th avetimber loft river north rooftop deck new kitchen stainless chicago river northft officewarehouse space concord north business park concord pleasant hill martinezft person all inclusive available now aventurahuge bedroom dog friendly community free rent north suburbs map”

I’ve studied the situation, and believe that the dichotomy represents a juxtaposition of man’s inherent value versus his inhumanity to his fellow man.

Or, someone drunk e-mailed me.

Definitely one of those.

Rain plus Dirt equals Mud

The weather in Texas this spring has been….well, strange.

For instance, we’ve actually gotten a good bit of rain.  And it’s not nine-hunnert-elebenty degrees outside, yet.  That heat will come, and someone will remember to shut off the Texas rain…but I think all of Heaven is watching “Dancing With the Stars” or something, because no one has done it yet and it’s almost June.

We had most of the kids and grandkids over for a barbecue in the cloudy, gray, mid-80’s weather last Sunday.  This was after two days of showers and wind and clouds and cool (ish) temps.

The backyard is huge and full of trees and all manner of fun hiding places for little kids to play in.

My only stipulation was that shoes must be removed before coming back inside, as I knew if there was one place where it was muddy then every grandchild would be ankle-deep in it.

And I have (the hated) carpet in the living room, where my back door is located.   Not the best set-up, but I have a very small house and it doesn’t come with a mud room.   Usually, we don’t need one.   A dust room, yes.  But a mud room?  Not so much.

Anyway, all was going according to plan until two of my granddaughters – both of them 5-yr. olds – decided that they both had to pee..right NOW.

In they ran, muddy shoes and all, and left a trail from the door to the hall by the bathroom where I happened to be standing.   I looked down at the black tracks on the tan rug and said,  “Girls! You forgot to take off your shoes!”.

Both girls looked down at their feet, undoubtedly surprised to find shoes attached.

Both girls turned, in unison, and began to retrace their steps back to the door where they promptly removed their shoes.

And by “retrace” I mean run full speed and avoid the original tracks, making new ones.

I laughed till I cried after assuring them that carpet could be cleaned and everything was okay.

I didn’t laugh so much when later that night I spent nearly TWO hours cleaning up the mud from the (hated) carpet.  All the while loudly proclaiming how much easier this would have been if we’d had the flooring I wanted to put down in the first place.

The upside is I think I’ve finally convinced hubby that getting hardwood floors is something we should do sooner rather than later.  And, by “convinced” I mean he’s sick of hearing me bitch about how hard it is to keep the (hated) carpet clean with little kids around all the time, so he’s on the verge of cratering.

I think the final push will come when the next time it happens I make him clean up the mess.