Do not beverage while reading this post. You have been warned.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID’S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN , THE BLACKSMITH, DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW, WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
The weather in Texas this spring has been….well, strange.
For instance, we’ve actually gotten a good bit of rain. And it’s not nine-hunnert-elebenty degrees outside, yet. That heat will come, and someone will remember to shut off the Texas rain…but I think all of Heaven is watching “Dancing With the Stars” or something, because no one has done it yet and it’s almost June.
We had most of the kids and grandkids over for a barbecue in the cloudy, gray, mid-80’s weather last Sunday. This was after two days of showers and wind and clouds and cool (ish) temps.
The backyard is huge and full of trees and all manner of fun hiding places for little kids to play in.
My only stipulation was that shoes must be removed before coming back inside, as I knew if there was one place where it was muddy then every grandchild would be ankle-deep in it.
And I have (the hated) carpet in the living room, where my back door is located. Not the best set-up, but I have a very small house and it doesn’t come with a mud room. Usually, we don’t need one. A dust room, yes. But a mud room? Not so much.
Anyway, all was going according to plan until two of my granddaughters – both of them 5-yr. olds – decided that they both had to pee..right NOW.
In they ran, muddy shoes and all, and left a trail from the door to the hall by the bathroom where I happened to be standing. I looked down at the black tracks on the tan rug and said, “Girls! You forgot to take off your shoes!”.
Both girls looked down at their feet, undoubtedly surprised to find shoes attached.
Both girls turned, in unison, and began to retrace their steps back to the door where they promptly removed their shoes.
And by “retrace” I mean run full speed and avoid the original tracks, making new ones.
I laughed till I cried after assuring them that carpet could be cleaned and everything was okay.
I didn’t laugh so much when later that night I spent nearly TWO hours cleaning up the mud from the (hated) carpet. All the while loudly proclaiming how much easier this would have been if we’d had the flooring I wanted to put down in the first place.
The upside is I think I’ve finally convinced hubby that getting hardwood floors is something we should do sooner rather than later. And, by “convinced” I mean he’s sick of hearing me bitch about how hard it is to keep the (hated) carpet clean with little kids around all the time, so he’s on the verge of cratering.
I think the final push will come when the next time it happens I make him clean up the mess.
I’m a conservative Christian – shocking, I know.
Sometimes, though, when I’m bein’ all growed up over here I forget the simplest of truths about my faith.
The other night I went to a pre-K graduation at a church-sponsored pre-school.
I’m looking forward to the day when there’s a cap and gown ceremony for kids who go from bottle to sippy cup, because we just don’t praise these little germ factories enough. But, that’s another rant for another day.
At the graduation, each little white gown and cap festooned 4 or 5-yr. old stands on stage, announces their name and says what they want to be when they grow up.
There were the usual aspirations – doctor, fireman, veterinarian, etc.
And the usual “cute” ones – fairy, princess, fairy princess, and pop star.
And then there was ‘Travis’ who told us all that when he grows up he wants to be……………………a dog. Personally, I think Travis is brilliant…and right on.
…hoo boy, my daughter is in for an interesting time with this boy.
Well, Sunday was his sister’s 8th birthday and she got a Lego set featuring princesses and a pool and playground. Apparently, it’s made up of elebenty-hunnert little pieces just waiting to make painful introductions to the bottoms of bare feet.
It was a big hit with the crowd, but went unopened as cake waited in the next room and it wasn’t going to eat itself.
As my daughter went to clean up the remains of wrapping paper and bags and stuff left after the present-opening carnage, the 5-yr. old walked up to her holding the Lego treasure in his hands.
Daughter: No, don’t open it. That’s sissy’s.
Son: I know, but I want to build it for sissy. (insert large grin here)
Lost in translation here was the momentary pause between daughter’s statement and her son’s reply. In that pause, I watched his little brain clicking away trying to find the right combination that would let him open and play with his sister’s gift all while making it look like doing so was a selfless sacrifice on his part.
He’s adorable. And dangerous. But, mostly adorable.
This could get interesting.
I’ve been away from here for a few days, for the three of you who may have noticed, and being around my grandchildren has brought some unexpected and hilarious theater which I’m about to share:
Five-yr-old-grandson: Oooh…oooh…I hurt my junk-junk! (after flopping face-first into the couch)
Me: Your ‘junk-junk’?
FYOG: (grabbing his crotch ala Michael Jackson) Yeah, mah balls! I hurt mah balls!
Same FYOG: What if the world were made of peanut butter? (as part of a conversation with me and his big sister, the deathly-allergic-to-peanuts grandchild)
Me: Well, sissy would be screwed.
FYOG: *giggles uncontrollably*
Me: Of course, we could put her in a big plastic bubble to protect her.
FYOG: Then she’d be a hamster! (collapses in fits of giggles)
And then there’s the 13-mo. old who is learning to walk….
She is taking some tentative steps when she suddenly flops forward and faceplants on the only square foot of ceramic tile within 20 feet of her!
Much wailing ensued, and was assuaged with application of my frozen teddy bear ice pack for kids – which she promptly shoved into her mouth to soothe her inflamed gums from the four teeth she has coming in right now.
Conclusion? Being a baby is painful, and flopping on the couch face first will hurt your junk-junk.
I have seven grandchildren.
I love every one of them to pieces.
However, sometimes I wonder who they are…
Oldest daughter and I are on the phone, chatting about the upcoming Supreme Plate (can’t say the *real* name here, lest I want to get sued…because we all know that millions of lawyers for the NFL are watching this blog right now waiting for me to slip up. To them I say, ‘Neener..Neener’.) this Sunday. I hear smoochie noises in the background, and then….
Daughter: Son, are you making out with yourself in the mirror?
5-yr. old Son: *giggling*Yes, mama I am! *more giggling*
And then there was the time my baby girl and her oldest were at the grocery store, in the produce aisle….
5-yr. old Daughter: Mama! I just farted on the fruit!
Baby Girl: (without even looking up) Don’t fart on the fruit, honey.
Who needs a sitcom when you’ve got kids?
It’s 3:00 a.m., and the doorbell rings.
It rings again, and as hubby sleepily asks “Who’s at the door at this time of night?”, you realize it’s your phone’s ringtone you’re hearing and you tell hubby – “No one, silly, but baby girl is calling.”
By this time, you’ve missed the call so you drag your still half-sleeping arse out of bed and hit redial.
“Mom, are fireplaces supposed to be 24 hours?”
And as your brain goes from sleepy haze to adrenalin rushed you realize….
…you, my friend, have entered…the Panic Zone…duh..dun…DUNNNNNNNNN!
“I’m here and the place is dark and no cars are in the parking lot.”
Oh, fire station…fire station…she meant fire station….sigh, okay heart slow down their house is not on fire….
“Umm…yeah, pretty sure it’s a 24/7 operation at a fire station, honey.”
“Yeah, well NO ONE is here!”
“Wait…why are you there?”
“The baby…she’s sick and having trouble breathing and I want them to check her vitals and her pulse ox and make sure she’s okay and I don’t need to go to the ER with her.”
“Oh…well…..wait, in Smallville isn’t the fire department volunteer?”
“I don’t know, maybe. But I left Smallville and am now in the parking lot of Muchlargerville’s main fireplace and there’s still no one around.”
“Well, they are on 24 hr shifts so maybe they’re asleep. Did you check through the bay doors for lights on?”
“Yeah, there’s nothing.”
“Okay, well call the non-emergency dispatch number for Muchlargerville and tell them…”
“Non-emergency dispatch number for police and fire. Every town has one.”
“I’m not gonna do that.”
“Because it’s stupid. You know what? I’m just gonna go back home.”
I could tell baby girl was exhausted and frustrated by this time.
“Okay, but is the baby breathing alright?”
“Well, she’s not blue or anything. She’s just laboring.”
“Maybe you should – “
“Mom, that’s hubby on the other line. I’ll call you back.”
That was five hours ago.
No more sleep for Mom, no more sleep for Dad. No word on the baby, yet.
Oh look, there’s gray hair #2,365.
From “Letters of Note”, an oft-qouted favorite website of mine; I bring you a magical, whimsical, sweet reminder of what a genius Sam Clemens really was.
And, now I wish he’d been my daddy too.
*brushes cobwebs out of blog corners and dusts off keyboard*
Geez….I go away for a little while, and the place empties out like someone yelled “FIRE!” in a theater.
It’s that time of year – Christmas – where unbridled avarice and greed are the order of the day. Where credit cards are maxed and children turn into raging fonts of pure commercialization.
If you have one of those little *darlings*, or know one, here’s a very cool website you can go to and get Santa to send them a personalized video.
I’ve been doing this for years for my grandchildren, and the looks on their faces when Santa says their names is almost enough to make me forget the screaming and crying that comes with not getting the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip or the Barbie with color-changing hair on Christmas morning.