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Really, kids?

Number 2 on the list of “top searches” that bring you kids to my site, utterly crushing your hopes of ever finding the elusive thing you seek, is this:

“we have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities”

Guess what number one is.

Yep, it’s “juke williams”.

Remember him?

What a guy.

Kids, I hate to have to be the one to break this to you…but…

 

There is no fecking ‘Juke Williams’, no bazillion dollars/dubloons/kittens just waiting for you to come and claim them.  Well, there may be a bazillion kitties, but I fail to see how that would make you rich.  That would make your house smell like a giant litterbox, and the kibble bill would be astronomical.

There is no free iPad/cell phone/rhinestone tiara/lifetime pizza giveaway, either.

Deal with it.

 

Hugs,

awesomesauciness, Crusher of Dreams and;

Dasher of Hopes

 

 

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Practically Perfect People are Perfectly Positioned Precisely

And that title has nothing much to do with today’s post – except I’m in a “Mary Poppins” state of mind.

I got this from the latest scammer the other day:

Dear Email user,

 

We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out scheduled maintenance and upgrade of our Email service and as a result of this our Email client has been changed and your original password will reset. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

 

To maintain your Email account, you must reply to this Email immediately and enter your current Password here

(                              ) Failure to comply will lead to the

termination of your Email Account.

Warning Code: 11XXTT8765

 

@Email ACCOUNT SUPPORT TEAM”.

©Email ACCOUNT ABN 31 0822 3766 504 All Rights Reserved.

Admin Team.

 

 

 

This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by MailScanner, and is believed to be clean.

To which I replied:

Dear Email user,

 

We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out scheduled maintenance and upgrade of our Email service and as a result of this our Email client has been changed and your original password will reset. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

 

To maintain your Email account, you must reply to this Email immediately and enter your current Password here

supercalifragilisticexpiealliedociouseventhoughthesoundofitissomethingquite

atrociousifyousayitloudenoughyoullalwayssoundprecocioussupercalifragilisticexpiealliedocious ) Failure to comply will lead to the

termination of your Email Account.

Warning Code: 11XXTT8765

 

@Email ACCOUNT SUPPORT TEAM”.

©Email ACCOUNT ABN 31 0822 3766 504 All Rights Reserved.

Admin Team.

 

 

 

This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by MailScanner, and is believed to be clean.

And I can just see the “Admin Team” sitting behind a glowy box and meticulously typing out that ‘password’ to hack into one of my e-mail accounts.  

Yes, I can just imagine….

Yuri:  It is a long password, Comrade Vlad

Vlad: It is indeed, Yuri, there must be valuable information to be had once we attain the many accesses.

Yuri: S-U-P-E…..almost there….R-C…

*Vlad slaps his hands together as Yuri completes the entry and clicks “Login”*

Incorrect Password or User I.D.

Please be sure your caps lock is not on and try again.

Yuri: *sighs* S-U-P-E…what the hell kind of password is this anyway, Vlad?

Vlad: I do not know, Yuri, but these Americans think they are so smart and here we obtained this magnificence with a simple request! Now keep typing!

Yuri: Okay. R…C…A….

*time passes as Yuri carefully types the password again and clicks “Login”*

Incorrect Password or User I.D.

Please be sure your caps lock is not on and try again.

 Yuri: Dammit!  More vodka!

*Vlad hands Yuri the vodka bottle and soon all else is forgotten as the next round is passed and the two men trade stories of  simpler password times*

Yuri: *slurring his speech* Tomorrow, Vlad, tomorrow we try again.

Vlad: BURRRRRRRRRRRP!

And again an American has defeated an Eastern Bloc attempt to hack into her e-mail account and find out her many secrets – she needs breast/penis/lip enlargements and her mortgage interest rate is waaaaaaaaay too high.

Whew! The world is safe for democracy…for at least until the vodka wears off.

 

**UPDATED (Before You See It!)**With Sincerest Apologies to Mr. Pratchett

But, I really couldn’t resist…..

From our English-challenged friend, Mr. Wayne:

From: Mr Hilary Wayne [mailto:foffice506@yahoo.cn]
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2013 7:10 PM
Subject: I AM ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS WHERE ARE YOU? URGENT

 

 

LEEWING TRADING COMPANY LIMITED

GOOD DAY I AM DIPLOMAT MR. HILARY WAYNE.

HOW IS EVERYTHING AND YOUR FAMILY IS NOW OVER A MONTH THAT I HAVE BEEN WITH U.S.A CUSTOMS WHERE I WAS ARRESTED THAT I DO NOT HAVE A DELIVERY CLEARANCE PAPER AT WASHINGTON DC U.S.A BUT I THANK GOD THAT THEY HAVE RELEASED ME TODAY WITH YOUR PACKAGE WORTH THE SUM OF $2.5MILLION U.S.A DORLLARS BUT THEY NEVER KNOW THAT IT CONTENTS LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY.

SO IT IS THIS MORNING THAT THEY RELEASED ME WITH YOUR FUNDS.YOU ADVICE TO RECONFIRM TO ME YOUR DETAILS YOU KNOW I LOST THEM DURING WHEN I WAS DRAGING YOUR PACKAGE WITH SOME IMMIGRATION OFFICER HERE.

AND AGAIN YOU HAVE TO PAY THE SUM OF $105.00 FOR AIR WAY BILL PAPERS THEY SAID THAT IF I DID NOT HAVE IT THAT I WILL NOT ENTER FLIGHT TO YOUR OR TAXI SO SEND THE FEES TO BENIN REPUBLIC WHERE I CAN FROM THEY WILL GET THE AIR WAY BILL ASAP AND FORWARD TO ME HERE AND IT WILL NOT TAKE MORE THAN 4/HRS OR 5/HRS I WILL GET TO YOUR HOME ONCE YOU SEND THE FEES.

HERE IS THE INFORMATION TO SEND IT.

RECEIVERS NAME ……..Ngene Francis.
COUNTRY …….BENIN REPUBLIC .
CITY COTONOU .
AMOUNT $105.00
TXQ HOW LONG.
ANSWER 5 HRS DELIVERY.
SENDERS NAME
MTCN……..

PLEASE CALL MY DIRECTOR DHL DELIVERY COMPANY NOW NAME MR

PETER PALMER // NO +229-99 15 28 45.

 

 

PLEASE IT IS THIS MORNING THAT THEY HAVE RELEASED ME AND I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE ANY MORE LONG HERE AND I WILL DELIVER YOUR FUNDS IN 5 HRS TIME ONCE YOU SEND THE FEES TO THE MAN IN CHARGE.DO THAT FAST SO THAT THEY CAN NOT LOOK OVER THIS PACKAGE TO KNOW THE CONTENTS,

THANKS
DIPLOMATIC AGENT
MR. HILARY WAYNE

EMAILS:hdiplomat@rocketmail.com)

 

And, my reply………..

Dear Sir/Madam/Aircraft:

Being a native of Ankh-Morpork I am unfamiliar with the ‘DORLLAR’ of whence you speak. Is it, perhaps, in any way related to our very own knocker?  Because I have two of those, and while they are not large they are, shall we say, respectable.

Please advise if a pair of knockers would suffice for payment.

Sincerely,

A’Tuin

 It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, I tell ya….

And later that same day, Hilarywayneclintondhlbenin responded…….

Dear mr {redacted}

i receive your email and i want to let you know that is the only thing that delaying is sum of $105 and you have to go ahead and send it right now for air way bill paper i promise you. that is the noly fees you are going to send.

HERE IS THE INFORMATION TO SEND IT.

RECEIVERS NAME …….. NGENE FRANCIS.
COUNTRY …….BENIN REPUBLIC .
CITY COTONOU .
AMOUNT ……..$105.
QUESTION…… HOW LONG.
ANSWER ……5HRS DELIVERY.
SENDERS NAME…….
MTCN……..

To which I responded:

Do people really fall for this?   That makes me sad for the human race.

 Oh, and the Secret Service loves it when I string you idiots along.   I expect they’ll be in touch with you…very soon.

 Hugs,

A’Tuin

I think I may have ended my fun with Mr. Hillarybeninwaynemacaroniandcheese, though.    I’d love to keep playhing, but I just don’t have the time.   I have to go watch paint dry…or something.

See Now I Haz A Disappoint, It’s Like He’s Not Even Trying Anymore..

Just read this, and I’ll pass around the aspirin.

 

 

FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC/ADDRESS 455 AGBOKOU,ANKPA
ROAD OPPOSITE TUNDE MOTORS COTONOU.
WEB: SITE.www.westernunion.com
MOBILE PHONE: +229-98-338-347

Attention:

This is to notify all our clients about the latest development concerning all the payment that are left in our custody. Which yours are inclusive besides, your where given a bill of $285.00 in order to receive your payment of $1.2 Million which we didn’t hear from you for some time now.

Hence, Our Western Union is now offering a Special Bonus to help all our customers that are having their payment in our custody due to high price. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $69 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.

Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and you have to comply and your funds shall be transfer to your destination address immediately without any delay.

But remember that after (one week) you did not make the payment we will divert your funds to government fund (ACCOUNT) to avoid problem or we will cancel the payment for this year until next year because this year is not last year,

Again after (one week) We will enter A new project for the year and that is the reason we decide to help all our customers before we enter the new project for the new year.

So be advise to send the $69 immediately, So that we can be able to re-new and re-confirmed your payment file here as I have told you earlier for you to start picking the fund up from any western union office near you same day $5000.00 per day.

Be advice that there is no time again for us to call you on phone unless you will call +229-93-22-6442.

NOTE; after the payment of $69 you will start receiving your money Five (5) times per week $5000.00 till the payment of $1.2Million is complete transferred to you through western union.

STOP DELAYING THIS FUND HERE.

REMEMBER THAT ONCE THIS NEEDED MONEY IS RECEIVED HERE AS I TOLD YOU, THIS FUND WILL BE RELEASED FOR YOU TO START PICKING IT UP FROM ANY WESTERN UNION OFFICE NEAR YOU SAME DAY.

Send this needed fee $69 now through Western Union Money Transfer with the information’s below:

1.RECEIVER NAME:….Peter Oforka
2. COUNTRY:….. Republic of Benin .
3. CITY :……… Cotonou.
4. TEXT QUESTION:……Honest
5.TEXT ANSWER:…..Trust….
6.AMOUNT:…….$69. 00 USD
MTCN NUMBER……
SENDER’S NAME SHOULD BE YOUR NAME.

WE ARE WAITING FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE TO ENABLE THIS OFFICE KNOW YOUR ARRANGEMENT FOR THE PAYMENT. YOU CALL US FOR MORE INFORMATION ON THIS CELL PHONE NUMBER: +229-98-338-347

NOTE; DO RE-CONFIRMED YOUR FULL CONTACT INFORMATION’S WITH YOUR DIRECT PHONE NUMBER.

BEST REGARDS,
MR.HARRY MUSA.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

This could not go unanswered, but rather than grade it for grammar, spelling, context, or sense-making, I took advantage of  my ‘Net buddy, TacoMagic’s, advice in a previous post I had about this and made a reasonable request in my reply:

Tell you what, just deduct the $69 from my first payment and then send me the remaining $4,931.00

 

Sound like a plan there, Sparky?

 

Good.

 

Oh, and the Secret Service of the United States wants you to give them a call.  I don’t know why, it may have something to do with their $69 fee.   If you’re smart, you’ll waive it in their case. 

 

…..aaaaaaaaaaaand we wait…and while we wait, go show some love to the multi-talented new Daddy, Taco Magic.

Sam’s Just A Good Guy, Ya Know?

I just love it when I don’t have to think of something clever to write about………..from my e-mail, I bring you…….

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Pet Care Credit America, (PCCA)

5425 Wisconsin Avenue

Suite 600, PM 614

Chevy Chase, Maryland 20815

 

Attention,

 

The Pet Care Credit (PCCA) was established in year 2000 as a non-profit organization to financially assist great pet owners and rescue organizations with veterinary medical costs in times of crisis. Our board members are a dedicated group of great pet owners and fanciers with extensive backgrounds in the breed. We are committed to providing funding resources for pets that are in dire need of medical attention and whose owner/rescuer finds they are unable to cover the basic costs of veterinary care.

 

We have received tremendous donations from our Rich Pets Owners nationwide; the organization also began rewarding the pets via the Cash Relay Program. Through these two programs are to proudly help our pet owners re-unite, more than $50,000 was received from our rich pet owners to reward 100 Pets Owners.

 

Pets Care Credit America is building a nationwide network of animal and pet advocates through the use of the PCCA, the Facebook page, and other private efforts both online and offline to continue building our community and reuniting pets with their owners across the country. We are pleased to inform you today 25th Sept, 2012, you have been selected among the lucky members to receive our cash reward for your pets. We have pledge the sum of $1000.00 as gratitude to your pet. We are happy with pet lovers and we will like to send our support to you in form of a cashier check, please advise us on the name and address where we can send this reward to you. Also, this reward must be used as expenses for your pet only.

 

Your support allows us to grow and build our network as well as increase awareness and our capacity to help. Please use the form below to receive a reward payable via Money Order/cashier check to lost dog founder and be sure to share our site with others.

 

•Name on Check:

• Address:

•City:

•State:

•Zip Code:

•D.O.B:

•Home Phone:

•Cell Phone:

•Email:

•Gift Amount $1000

 

May we thank you publicly in our blog

 

Sincerely,

Sam Duncan

President, PCCA

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Awww…isn’t that thoughtful of ol’ Sam here?  Of course, this is just another scam in a looooooong line of scams, and you know what that means, right?

 

It’s time for “Fun With Scammers!”

 

Of course I checked out their Facebook page mentioned in the e-mail.  They don’t have one.

 

Shocking, I know.

 

Then, it was time to craft a reply:

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sam,

I am so deeply touched and honored by your gratitude for my devotion to my pet rock.

Coincidentally, rock’s name is “Rock”.  I toyed with using the name “Boulder” or “Granite”, you know something to boost his ego, but since he didn’t seem to have a preference I selected “Rock”, because I secretly suspect he’s a big Rock Hudson fan.

Whenever a movie starring Rock Hudson comes on the television, Rock sits very still the whole time.  I’d say that’s a pretty good indication he’s a fan, wouldn’t you?

Rock is also the best listener I’ve ever met. I can talk to him for hours, and I know he will listen intently, never interrupt me, and always be a solid buddy I can truly lean on.

I have several pictures of Rock, but if I send you one I know I’ll want to send them all, and you’re probably a very busy man who doesn’t have time to look at pictures of pet rocks all day.

If you do want a picture, though, just let me know.

There is only one thing about Rock that is slightly disturbing, and really I think it’s the reason most people don’t go for the pet rock thing. He’s a cannibal.

He eats pebbles, there I said it.  He’s also been known to eat gravel, and when I can’t afford anything else he eats sand.  He loves to nibble on sand, and I often give it to him as a treat when money is plentiful and the gravel and pebbles flow like wine..really clunky wine, but you get the idea.

Your $1,000 will go towards purchasing the finest river rock pebbles money can buy.  Rock really loves the smooth ones that are sold for decorative purposes. 

One more thing Rock loves is taking trips.  He sits on the dashboard of my car and never moves.  He’s truly an excellent traveler, so I think I may use some of the money to treat him to a long-awaited vacation on the beaches of Florida.  There, he can graze on the sand and soak up the ocean…literally. 

I cannot tell you how much this gift means to me and when I told Rock I believe he vibrated with excitement!

Or maybe we hit a pothole – we were in the car at the time – either way, I could tell how very excited he was.

Below is all my contact information, please forward my money order as soon as possible.  Now that I’ve told Rock about this honor, I don’t want to disappoint him.

Sincerely,

Natasha Bzychiewkski

2784569 Cellblock C

Leavenworth, KS 56890

01/01/75

No home phone

888-555-1212 – cell

anywho@yahoo.com

p.s. I tried to ‘like’ your Facebook page, but was unable to locate.  I think Rock’s been playing on my computer while I’m at work – he’s clever like that – and may have done something to the Facebook-thingy.  Whatever, I’ll figure it out, but you may thank me on your blog publicly so long as you mention Rock, too.

p.p.s. Are you sure you don’t want a picture of Rock for your blog?