Blog Archives

Things That Freak Me Right The Hell Out

We all have them, the things that you see or do or see others doing that freak you right. the hell. out.

Here’s a partial list of mine:

1.Getting a text from my dentist’s office about how excited they are to see me on such and such date.  Really? You look forward to inflicting pain?  Dentists are freakishly weird.

2. Having the vet’s office ask me which of my “kids” or “babies” I’m calling about, AND when I’m there and go into an exam room, they announce that so-and-so’s “mommy” is waiting in such-and-such room.  I’m pretty sure mating with animals is illegal…wait, it’s still illegal to mate with critters, right?  Tell me I’m right. PLEASE. Because, if it’s not then I’ve crossed over from freaked to full-on fecked up.

4. I skipped 3.

5. You just went back to look.

6. Drones.  I actually swatted at my hair the other night, thinking the drone overhead      was a swarm of bees trying to kill me.  In my defense, it was my first droney-bee           encounter, and it was high enough above me that I missed. Dammit.

7. My frat-boy neighbors, a/k/a  The Dronemasters.  They NEVER sleep. Never.  Go to       bed at midnight?  They’re up.  Get up at 2:00 a.m.?  They’re up.  4:00 a.m.? They’re             up! They do this every night, then all their vehicles leave during the day.  I think       they’re vampires…and now I’m really freaked out.  And lest you think I’m that             neighbor peering out my windows at the frat boys, may I remind you that I can’t see their house from the only window I have that faces them.  I have to go outside to verify this.  I’m just looking out for you.  You’re welcome.

So, what freaks you right-the-hell-out?

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I Require Adult Supervision

Most every time I go out in public, I end up with a story.

Earlier this week I went to a local Sprawl Mart to get a few things for the office.

It was a simple shopping trip.

But, we are a talking about me here.

I got to the self-checkout lane and rung up my purchases. I swiped my credit card, and that’s when things went horribly awry.

The screen read “Processing…Please Wait”, and it stuck there.

The helpful cashier monitoring the self-checkout lanes came over and tried to cancel, tried to suspend, tried…everything.

It didn’t work.

Instead, it got worse.

Slowly, I noticed cashiers and customers alike up and down the checkout lanes mashing buttons and cursing the gods of shopping as purchases were stuck in limbo.

Apparently, I’d broken Sprawl Mart.

Finally, after many minutes, one manager with long false eyelashes and nails started mashing on buttons at her console and the gods of shopping released their death grip on the machines.

I finished my transaction and booked it out of there.

I got in my car and noticed I needed gas, so I stopped at the nearest place and as the gas was pumping I decided I needed a vat of soda from their vast fountain selections.

I filled the vat with ice and diet soda, went to sit it on the counter so I could pay, and my miscalculations as to the height of said counter led to soda-launching as if from a trebuchet.

The now-drenched clerk waiting to ring me up stood there blinking at me, pieces of ice and rivers of soda running down her hair, face, shirt.

“Well, at least it’s diet…so…umm…you…uh…won’t….be…you know, sticky…” I mumbled as I backed away, intent on reloading refilling my vat…because, dammit, destroying the world is thirsty business.

When I came back to the counter, I had a new victim clerk waiting to take my money.

I paid, and got the hell out of there.

And this is why we can’t have nice things, and why I shouldn’t be allowed out without a chaperone.

Ever.

Practically Perfect People are Perfectly Positioned Precisely

And that title has nothing much to do with today’s post – except I’m in a “Mary Poppins” state of mind.

I got this from the latest scammer the other day:

Dear Email user,

 

We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out scheduled maintenance and upgrade of our Email service and as a result of this our Email client has been changed and your original password will reset. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

 

To maintain your Email account, you must reply to this Email immediately and enter your current Password here

(                              ) Failure to comply will lead to the

termination of your Email Account.

Warning Code: 11XXTT8765

 

@Email ACCOUNT SUPPORT TEAM”.

©Email ACCOUNT ABN 31 0822 3766 504 All Rights Reserved.

Admin Team.

 

 

 

This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by MailScanner, and is believed to be clean.

To which I replied:

Dear Email user,

 

We would like to inform you that we are currently carrying out scheduled maintenance and upgrade of our Email service and as a result of this our Email client has been changed and your original password will reset. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

 

To maintain your Email account, you must reply to this Email immediately and enter your current Password here

supercalifragilisticexpiealliedociouseventhoughthesoundofitissomethingquite

atrociousifyousayitloudenoughyoullalwayssoundprecocioussupercalifragilisticexpiealliedocious ) Failure to comply will lead to the

termination of your Email Account.

Warning Code: 11XXTT8765

 

@Email ACCOUNT SUPPORT TEAM”.

©Email ACCOUNT ABN 31 0822 3766 504 All Rights Reserved.

Admin Team.

 

 

 

This message has been scanned for viruses and dangerous content by MailScanner, and is believed to be clean.

And I can just see the “Admin Team” sitting behind a glowy box and meticulously typing out that ‘password’ to hack into one of my e-mail accounts.  

Yes, I can just imagine….

Yuri:  It is a long password, Comrade Vlad

Vlad: It is indeed, Yuri, there must be valuable information to be had once we attain the many accesses.

Yuri: S-U-P-E…..almost there….R-C…

*Vlad slaps his hands together as Yuri completes the entry and clicks “Login”*

Incorrect Password or User I.D.

Please be sure your caps lock is not on and try again.

Yuri: *sighs* S-U-P-E…what the hell kind of password is this anyway, Vlad?

Vlad: I do not know, Yuri, but these Americans think they are so smart and here we obtained this magnificence with a simple request! Now keep typing!

Yuri: Okay. R…C…A….

*time passes as Yuri carefully types the password again and clicks “Login”*

Incorrect Password or User I.D.

Please be sure your caps lock is not on and try again.

 Yuri: Dammit!  More vodka!

*Vlad hands Yuri the vodka bottle and soon all else is forgotten as the next round is passed and the two men trade stories of  simpler password times*

Yuri: *slurring his speech* Tomorrow, Vlad, tomorrow we try again.

Vlad: BURRRRRRRRRRRP!

And again an American has defeated an Eastern Bloc attempt to hack into her e-mail account and find out her many secrets – she needs breast/penis/lip enlargements and her mortgage interest rate is waaaaaaaaay too high.

Whew! The world is safe for democracy…for at least until the vodka wears off.

 

For Your Blindness………

Ima just leave you with this wall o’ text. Draw your own conclusions.  Me, I’m going with my initial reaction – that there’s a horde of cats, carrying SPAM, waiting for me at an undisclosed airport location.  I must bring CASH or those drug-addled terrorists a/k/a “cats”, will invade the residence of 3 Diplomats (apparently an obscure band I’ve never heard of – wonder if that makes me less-than-hip?) and wreak havoc, by letting slip the dogs of non-circumvention.  Now, I don’t know what any of that means, but I’m getting my torch and pitchfork mob ready because at the end of all this there just has to be a zombie mob.  There. Just. Has. To. Be.

This is an official notification of the availability of a package deposited in your name and it is not a sales solicitation or SPAM.We are Diplomats that use our immunity and status to safekeep special and valuable packages and baggage in trust for reputable clients that are honest and trustworthy.We work in collaboration with top firms and Governments of various countries as we have earned a name as a service whose hallmarks in reliability and confidentiality are revered.International missions, Fellow Diplomats and Embassies of the world have used our services to satisfaction.A benefactor whose identity can not be disclosed because of the Non Circumvention and Non Disclosure Agreement that was signed with the said benefactor when the packages were being deposited made you the beneficiary of a package containing some amount of money and stated clearly that you should only be contacted when the time signed for it to be in our care elapses and the time has already elapsed that is why you are being contacted.The Non Circumvention and Non Disclosure Agreement signed with the benefactor mandates us to fully divulge and disclose the benefactor’s identity 18 months after the beneficiary has received the funds.We confirm that these funds are fully free of any liens, or encumbrances and are clean, clear and non-criminal origin and are available in the form of CASH.You are hereby advised to send your Full Contact Information as well as the name of the closest airport to your city in the format stated below so that the funds would be brought to your Country of residence by 3 Diplomats who would accompany you to your bank (if you want them to) to deposit the funds in your name and submit all documentations that has to do with the origin of the funds in other to exonerate you from any form of investigations or interrogation and to authenticate the fact that the funds are clean and has no links whatsover with either drugs or terrorism.The Requested Information is to ensure that no mistake or error is made and it should be forwarded in the manner stated below:

Your Full Name: ______________________________ Your cell number:________________________________Your Complete Address: ________________________________ Name of City of Residence: ____________________ Name of Closest Airport to your city of esidence:_________________________________Complete the above and send back to me as soon as possible.Congratulations in advance.

Thank you and I sincerely Remain,

Stephen Herman

Email: herman200@barid.com

Email2:herman2000@barid.com

Cell:+447924428381

Yes, I Realize Valentine’s Day Was Last Week

But, if you had any idea what kind of week last week was for me, you wouldn’t be making such a big deal about my missing Valentine’s Day right now.

For that matter, if you knew how I really feel about Valentine’s Day we wouldn’t even be discussing it.   We’d be talking about the dynamic synergies of post-modern banjos instead, because that would be far less controversial.

Yes, I said ‘controversial’.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

Let me ‘splain.

When I was a kid I remember having Valentine’s Day parties at school.  We’d all bring decorated shoeboxes with little cutouts in the tops and set them on our desks. 

At the appointed hour, we’d go around the room dropping our handwritten Valentines in the boxes of our classmates – always reserving the fanciest ones, with all the glitter on them, for our super-not-so-secret crush.  

Then the teacher would pass out the heart-shaped candies, cookies, and cupcakes with red icing on it that wound up on your face, hands, and clothes.  Every.  Time.

It was fun.  Lots of fun.

I carried on this tradition with my children, until it wasn’t a ‘thing’ anymore and just like that one more party in school went ‘pfffffffft’. 

C’est le vie.

We still had Valentines and cupcakes at home.

Then one day about ten years ago, and my kids had long since grown out of Mom’s Valentine’s Day celebration and onto their own,  I happened to be at the store on Valentine’s Day.

I was getting ready to check out in the Express Lane (no more than 15 items, and God help you if you accidentally overlooked that lone lemon in the bottom of your cart which put you firmly at 16 items as the jackass behind you will LOUDLY proclaim), when I noticed a long, long, long line in front of me.

Everyone in the line was male.  Each was holding flowers, candy, and cards…in some combination – many with all three. 

Every one of them looked sad, depressed and anxious….as if they were in line for vasectomies, not simply to pay for the undying expressions of love they held.

That was when it hit me.

Valentine’s Day is one of those Hallmark holidays, made up to make men feel guilty and women entitled. 

From that day on, I told my husband that if he wanted to give me a card or flowers or candy he better NOT do it on February 14th.   Do it on the 13th, the 15th, or even not at all…just take out the garbage without my asking.  That tells me more about how you feel than any pre-packaged, wrapped in hearts and flowers, sentiment just waiting for you to pay more than it’s worth at the local store does.

It’s been freeing, if sometimes awkward when someone asks me what I ‘got’ for Valentine’s Day and I launch into my tirade about how I hate that day – incidentally, they don’t ask how I feel about too many things after that, so it’s a win!win! for me.

And you know what?  My hubby empties the garbage without my asking a lot more nowadays, too.   Now that, my friends, is romantic.

What the…? Oh Wait, Come Back Here!

You know how you can be driving along and all of a sudden the car in the lane next to you decides that right where you are is right where it needs to be right now?

Twice?

And, you hit the brakes, utter some expletives about the level of intelligence of the driver of said car and honk.

Twice.

And then, the car that almost caused a nasty wreck with lots of damage and plenty of pain for you pulls ahead enough for you to see the logo on the back of the car, and it says “Maserati”.

And you yell, “Come back, I didn’t mean it! Hit me, PLEASE!!!”

Just me, then?  Okay.

Apparently, I’m In the Process of Buying a New House

Well, at least the person who answered the phone at Major Plumbing Company thinks so.

For the record, I’m not.

Also for the record, I need a plumber.

And that’s why I called Major Plumbing Company in the first place.  The conversation went like this:

Major Plumbing Company Receptionist/Scheduler:  Hello, this is MPC, how may I help you?

Me: Yes, I need to get someone to come out and look at a valve in my tub.  I can’t turn the water on.

MPCR/S:  Address?

Me: 123 Everywhere, Anytown, TX

MPCR/S: *silence*

This went on for a few seconds, so I looked at my phone to see if it had dropped the call.  It hadn’t.

Me:  Hello?  Hellooooooo?

A few seconds later….

MPCR/S: And when do you close?

Me: What? This isn’t a new house or a sale.

MPCR/S: Can you verify your address again, because I’m not finding it.

Me: 123 Everywhere Court – or it could be Drive, depends on which map you are looking at, Anytown, TX

MPCR/S: *silence*

By now, I figured out the silence was actually my being put on hold.  I waited just a few seconds and she was back.

MPCR/S: What is your closing date?

Me: (what the hell, let’s have some fun) November 30th, 1997

MPCR/S: Uhhh….

Me: This is not for an inspection.  This is not a new house, this is not a sale.  I need a repair to the valve in my bathtub.

MPCR/S: And who is your builder?

Me: Jack.  Mine is the house that Jack built.

MPCR/S: Is it still under warranty?

Me: I wish…but, no.

MPCR/S: And when is your closing date?

Me: January 4th, 2027

MPCR/S: *silence*

I hung up, thoroughly amused and pissed at the same time.  Major Company lost out when I called Much Smaller and Local Company and scheduled an appointment in less than one minute.

Seriously, though, how stupid can a person be and still be employed.  Because, if that woman is the ‘bar’, then it’s scraping the ground right now.

And Then Everyone Ran Into Everybody

Walked outside yesterday morning at 4:00 AM to see hubby off to work, and heard sand hitting the cars, street, grass.

What the…?

Hubby looked at me and said..”It’s sleeting.”

Few things will cause me to seize with terror. 

“It’s sleeting.” is definitely on the short list for that.  

It’s not that I can’t drive in sleet or snow, I can.   What I cannot drive in is freezing rain or ice. 

I know my limitations as a driver.

However, I live in Texas and the last thing any Texan will admit is not having  a thorough, indisputable, knowledge of…….everything.  Including driving in the ice/snow/sleet.  This is a perfect example of a little knowledge being an extremely dangerous thing.

Any Texan, except me.   I prepared to go back inside and slip into my jammies and get back in bed.  Hubby, also a Texan – one with a massive four-wheel drive truck, prepared to go to work.

He said he’d call me when he got there and let me know how the roads were before I made any decisions.

At 4:45 AM he called me to say the roads weren’t bad…..yet.   And, if I wanted to go to work I better leave…..now.

I contemplated the question of whether or not I ever really wanted to go to work, and decided that was far too philosophical for 4:45 in the morning.  

I focused, instead, on whether or not I wanted to go to work driving on an ice rink.  And my car doesn’t have skates.

I decided to be brave, to be bold, to be stupid.

I left at 5:00 AM, and at first the roads were dry and clear.   I wondered what all the fuss was about.

Halfway through my commute I noticed that hail/snow stuff called “grapple” or “gropple” or something like that was hitting the windshield.  It lay in waves on the road that moved back and forth as cars passed over.  It was quite fascinating to watch, but before long the roadway became wet with the melting of the snow/sleet as it came down heavier and heavier.

No problem, I thought, I got this…it’s just wet roads.

Then….the bridge…the first of many I had to cross loomed large in front of me.    It wasn’t wet.  It was white. It was frozen.  It was treacherous.

Contrary to the belief of every Texan who drives – that if you are on wet/slick roads, put the pedal to the metal  – I slowed down a little and instead of death-gripping the steering wheel lightly guided it with my fingers as I crossed bridge after bridge.  Each one was slicker than the last and heavily iced.

I actually got to work with no issues, but the instant I got out of the car I think I heard every Dallas PD and FD unit heading out and by 7:00 AM there were well over 100 car accidents in the DFW Metroplex.

Which just goes to prove my theory about Texas drivers – if the pavement is not dry, the sky not clear, and the temperature not in the 90’s, let’s all get in our cars and run into each other, the barriers, guardrails, restaurants, fences, houses, airplanes, skateboards, and whatever else we can see from our drivers’ vantage point, just as fast as we possibly can.

Circular Logic is Circular

Ahhh….tis the season….to park in the next county for the privilege of shuffling down short aisles full of children playing with Every.Toy.In.The.Store., as their harried parents pretend not to notice, just so they can get 37 seconds of peace and quiet before the next round of  “Buh..buhh..but I WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT IIIIIIITT!!”

And I choose to enter the fray.  Me. The old(ish) granny who really should know better.  Who should have finished shopping – all hail Amazon! – months ago. 

But did I?  Nooooooooooooooo…not me.

Sigh…oh well, if I had I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to bring you this little tidbit.

So, of course one of my many gran-chilluns just has to have a certain doll.  

It’s the “Happy-Go-Lucky-Empty-Adults-Wallets-As-I-Hold-Kids-Attention-For-Five-Seconds-Before-Breaking-Or-Child-Loses-Interest-Or-Both-Dolly”.

You’ve heard of it, I’m sure.  Of course you have.

It’s that one toy that will make life complete for the child, and the one toy that cannot be found ANYWHERE after July.

That’s the one I waited until December 16th to look for.

Armed with my trusty iPhone, I headed to the store that assured me (through electronic inventory, which we all know is absolutely based on numbers from 1997) the coveted, holy grail of dolls, was in stock.

Imagine my shock when I found it.  Not on the shelf with the tag and a picture of it, but in a completely different area.  And, I only found it by accident…after I’d all but given up.

Imagine my further shock to find that this doll in the store was $10 more than the online version of the identical doll at the same store’s website.

No problem, I’ll just buy it online. 

Right?

Wrong.

It was not available online.

I picked up the dolly, and headed to the checkout lane with a plan.  I would show the helpful employee in red shirt and khaki pants (three guesses as to the name of the store now) my phone with the price of the doll and get a discount when I paid.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

First helpful employee in red shirt and khaki pants understood my plight – I would buy the doll online if it were available online, but since it wasn’t and it was available at the store, wouldn’t the company like to be a ‘doll’ and give me the online pricing? – but alas, I had to go to “Guest Services” and talk to more helpful, smiling, employees in red shirts and khaki pants (two guesses as to the identity of the store).

“They’ll price match, no problem”, he assured me as I wheeled my cart over to the “Guest Services” counter.

I swear, just as I got close to the counter three other people jumped ahead of me.

Sigh…….my aching feet protested, but I reasoned that if I wanted my $10 off price on this doll I’d have to plead my case at the counter and pay for it there.

So, I waited my turn.

“How may I help you?” the smiling red-shirted, khaki-panted lady said as I approached her part of the counter (you’ve got one guess left, and really??).

I explained the price difference, and she said  “Let me see what I can do.”

“Good,” I replied, “especially since it’s out-of-stock online.”

Throwing her hands up, she exclaimed “I’m sorry, but we can’t price match out-of-stock items.”

Wha…?

“Wait, you mean you won’t price match on an item that I have to purchase in the store because I can’t buy it online? Not because I don’t want to buy it online, but…” I waved my phone in front of her.. “because I can’t buy it online?”

“That’s correct.”

“That’s insane…and stupid.”

“I’m sorry ma’am, but..” gesturing like a mime, she made a ‘box’ around her “…back here, that’s all we can do.”

“May I see…” I started as the manager on duty came up.

“How may I help you?” she asked.

Between red shirt and I we explained the situation.

“I’m sorry, but…” she started as I raised a hand.

“Don’t go through it again.  It’s not like it’s magically going to make sense if you say it again.”

“I’m sorry, ” red shirt began as she started to put the must-have dolly on the shelf behind her.

“Heyyyyy! I still want the doll!” I said.

“You do?”

“Yes, I do.  My granddaughter would never forgive me if I didn’t get it.”

So I paid the extra $10, and got the doll that will be forgotten before the last of the wrapping paper is put in the trash.

I also got a good laugh out of the irony of the situation as I giggled all the way home.

Well played, red-shirted, khaki-panted employees of big box uppity store wannabe.

Well played, indeed.

From A Fuh-bee Guy

This one came with a picture of ‘Juke’ attached!  SQUEE!!!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONETARY CRIMES DIVISION

FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON DC

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS J.EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING

935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

Ref: FBI/DC/25/113/13/2012

https://www.fbi.gov

 

Urgent attention needed

 We have been informed through our global intelligence monitoring network that the sum of $10.500, 000.00, has been released from a bank in Africa bearing your name as the beneficiary without dist certificate to clear your name and fund from every terrorist or drug or money laundering activities

The bank knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to make this payment from any part of the world to your account directly, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) method to make the payment. direct transfers are difficult and secret diplomatic transit payment (s.t.d.p) are not  usually made unless the funds are  related to terrorist activities and we ask why must your payment be made in  a secret transfer if your transaction  is legitimate.

 We do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your personal account, so it is our duty as an international agency to correct these little problems before this fund reflects into your personal account.

we advice you to contact us immediately, as your funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody, until you are able to provide us with the dist certificate within 3 days from the country that authorized the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive are terrorist/drug free or we shall have cause to impound the payment and subsequently prosecute you for cross border terrorist financial activates.

 based on our findings, our investigative department wish to warn you against some miscreants, hoodlums and touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of this wonderful country. By sending out fraudulent emails without our official logo and emblem we shall release your funds immediately we receive this legal document and we will ensure that you receive your payment without any further delay.

 Note

 We decided to contact you directly by email to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the huge amount involved. Be informed that the funds are now with a top bank in the united state in your name and under the monitoring/custody of the FBI. At the moment, we have asked the bank not to release the fund to anybody that comes to them, unless we instruct them to do so, and only if we receive the dist certificate this is to enable us carry out a comprehensive investigation first before releasing the fund to you.

 hence, you are to forward your  dist certificate to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, then  let us know so that we will direct you  to the  appropriate  authority to  obtain the certificate then you are to send  it to our office. And thereafter, we will instruct the bank holding the funds, to go ahead and credit your account immediately. If you fail to provide the documents to this office, we will prosecute you and take appropriate action against you for not proving the legality of the funds.

 Yours Faithfully

 SPECIAL AGENT  JUKE  WILLIAMS

FOR  FBI DIRECTOR

MR. ROBERT S. MUELLER.

 cc: general intelligence department (GID)

cc federal bureau of investigation (fFBIi)

cc .internet crime complaint center (ic3)

cc: Asia pacific group on money laundering (APG)

cc: international monetary fund (IMF)

cc: international organization of securities commissions (IOSCO)

cc: international banking security association (IBSA)

cc: world customs organization (WCO)

cc: inter-American development bank (IADB)

cc: national white collar crime center (NW3C)

cc: bureau of justice assistance (BJA)

cc: supreme court of South Africa(SCA)

 LEGAL NOTICE:

Unless expressly stated otherwise, this message is confidential and may be privileged. It is intended for the addressee(s) only. Access to this e-mail by anyone else is unauthorized. If you are not an addressee, any disclosure or copying of the contents or any action taken (or not taken) in reliance on it is unauthorized and may be unlawful. If you are not an addressee, please inform the sender immediately.

 

AVISO LEGAL:

Salvo que se indique lo contrario, este mensaje es confidencial y puede ser privilegiada. Se pretende a su destinatario (s)solamente. El acceso a este e-mail por cualquier otra persona no estб autorizado. Si usted no es un destinatario, cualquier divulgaciуn o copia de lacontenidos ni de cualquier acciуn realizada (o no) en la dependencia en que no estб autorizado y puede ser ilegal. Si no son unadestinatario, por favor notifique al remitente de inmediato

 _____________________________________________________________________________________________

And here’s the lovely and talented Fuh-bee guy, Juke Williams:

 I think he has a nice, honest face don’t you?

I don’t know why, but I was juuuuuuust a little bit skeptical about the offer mentioned above, especially since it was wrapped in a threat, and so I quickly got a ‘dist certificate’ and sent it to ‘Juke’ along with this……….

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Juke,

Is that your real name? ‘Juke’?  Kinda catchy.

Anyways, Juke, I really think that’s your covert ops name and your real name is probably something like Elmer or Homer, and your last name has got to be ‘Schmidlapp’.  It just has to.

So, Juke, you need a dist certificate, eh?

Well, just so happens I have one.  And I’ve attached it to this e-mail.

Don’t worry, it’s safe.  It’s just a plain, old, everyday, run-of-the-mill dist certificate.  Not like I just made it up on my computer during my lunch hour, or anything like that.  I assure you there was a fine institution involved in the making of this dist certificate.

Now, I understand you have some money for me?  And from your e-mail, it looks like I’m owed a whopping $10.50, right?

Wow.  I can get two of the Starbucks’ Venti Skinny Vanilla Lattes for that.  Those are my favorites, you know.  Well, not really my favorites.  My favorite is the Eggnog Latte, but it’s only available during the holidays and has like a bazillion calories. Probably, I may be guessing here.  I only allow myself one or two of them each year, so that probably adds to the enjoyment.

Doesn’t anticipation make everything better?

I think so, and I highly anticipate my $10.50 by return post.

Let me take a moment to thank you, ‘Juke’, for warning me about hoodlums and miscreants, too. 

Kids today! What with their baggy pants, and tattoos all over, piercings in places we don’t want to know about, and that crap they call music!  Don’t get me started on all that, but rest assured I’ve got my eye on them.  At least until the judge issues his restraining order. 

But, I’m getting off-track here and you are undoubtedly very busy dispersing these large sums of money to deserving recipients.

Besides, I just hate it when someone goes off on a tangent don’t you? One minute you’re discussing the theory of relativity and the next thing you know you’re caught up in a debate over Schroedinger’s cat or this year’s group of American Idol contestants.

So, anyways, please hurry with that $10.50.  I may need it for bail money.  That is, if the judge signs the restraining order.  Though, I don’t know why he would.  I can’t help it if those kids just happened to walk by – with their crazy piercings and baggy pants – just as I was vigorously sweeping the lawn with my new broom, and I decided right then and there to teach them about the game we played when I was a child.   It’s called ‘Chase’, and it’s what the name implies.  Although, swinging a broom was my way of putting my personal stamp on an old game.  I don’t call that ‘harassment’.  I call it ‘innovation’.  Some people have no vision.

I’m totally innocent here.

Probably.

Signed,

‘Violet Chamberlain’ (totally my covert ops name)

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And, we wait…….